Jane
16
Title: Of Death and Deception
Note: This is a play. Scene Directions that should have been italicized are in brackets and parentheses. Dialogue appears below capitalized descriptions/names. The formatting was messed up by the form, but the studio has a pdf version. Thank you for your understanding.
------------------------------------------
The sun rose and everything fell. [This, a boy’s voice says in the darkness. Lights on, and Act I, Scene 1 begins.]
Act I
Scene 1
[Bedroom. Spotlight on couch where an OLD LADY reclines. ALEX stands at the window facing away from her.]
ALEX
The sun rose and everything fell.
OLD LADY
Alex, please be a dear and stop being so dramatic. While you’re at it, close those balcony doors. This isn’t English class, and you’re no Juliet. Not pretty enough, for one thing. If only you went to the first of the makeup tutorial sessions that I booked for you, the ones with the nice drag queens.
ALEX
What use have I for makeup lessons? I’m no girl. And I thought the calligraphy lessons were senseless. At least those were pretty fun, and I can now forge my doctor’s signature like nobody’s business.
OLD LADY
Don’t worry. Have I ever told your parents anything you didn’t want me to?
ALEX
The session was yesterday afternoon, Grandmama. I have better things to waste my time on. Like being with you.
OLD LADY
You never know, sweetheart. Being able to accent different features and contour your cheekbones is an essential skill. And you thought that calligraphy lesson was useless, too. Look what you can do with it now.
ALEX
Grandmama, you do realize that you’re dying. Of lung cancer. There are far more important things than something you signed me up for in a fit of pique.
OLD LADY
Like bad poetry?
ALEX
I’m composing something for your tombstone. Mother and Father are bound to fu-fudge it up. The least you could do is not criticize every line I could up with.
OLD LADY
You make it so easy, darling. Of course I know I’m dying, sweetling, like I can forget, with you, my daughter, and the family dog reminding me. Knew I shouldn’t have kept with practicing my smoke rings, but I just had to beat your Grandpapa at one more thing.
ALEX
How about the ‘The sun rose and everything came to a stop’? What rhymes with ‘stop’?
OLD LADY
Alex, I’m hardly about to die at exactly sunrise. Just put something like ‘Bounty Hunter, Adventurer, Pirate’—No one cares.
ALEX
‘Liar’ would also be appropriate. I care.
OLD LADY
I prefer ‘Storyteller.’ ‘Liar’ is far too limiting. But sure, you can put that.
ALEX (turns to her)
How can you be so calm? How can you just joke around like that?
OLD LADY
Child, once you’ve seen as much as I have of this world, leaving would be a relief.
ALEX
Then I just won’t see that much. Is it because you miss Grandpapa?
OLD LADY
Silly Alex. Take advantage of your time on this world. And I, former society girl and opera singer, miss the crotchety soldier’s snoring and smelly socks?—Just a bit.
ALEX
I think I understand now.
OLD LADY
Alex, if you think you understand, you probably don’t. The heart is something that cannot be understood. Now fetch some tea for this old bag of bones.
ALEX
Sure.
[ALEX pauses at door.]
ALEX
Grandmama, aft-after all this, I’ll start going to the makeup sessions.
OLD LADY
Thank you, dear. That’s definitely a relief for this senior citizen.
[ALEX exits stage left.]
Scene 2
[Same bedroom. OLD LADY does not appear to have moved. ALEX enters stage left, with a mug of tea.]
ALEX
Here, Grandmama, just the way you like it.
OLD LADY
Thank you, Alex. I knew I would succeed with one child, at least. What did your mother want this time? Self-absorbed harpy.
ALEX
Funny, she said the same thing about you.
OLD LADY
In her shrill voice, too. I could hear her from here. Twenty-five years and I still don’t understand where she got it from. Not me, for sure.
ALEX
She wanted to know if you updated your will.
OLD LADY
Of course she did. That’s all she wants to know these days. And that husband of hers was hovering in the kitchen doorway, I presume? Fat tub of lard, that man.
ALEX
How did you know?
OLD LADY
Let your grandmama keep some of her secrets, darling boy. Lord knows she won’t have any after she passes on.
ALEX
Please?
OLD LADY
Oh, alright, but just this once. Your grandmama, she used to do a little something for the FBI. Learned more than one would think evading capture.
ALEX
Hah. I’m too old for those bedtime stories. If you didn’t want to answer, just say so. My mother is not brainwashed from enemy spies, Grandpapa wasn’t from the M16 sent to capture you, and you’re not a reformed bandit. Did I get most of your more ridiculous stories?
OLD LADY
Retired, not reformed. Huge difference there, sugar. Remember that.
ALEX
Whatever. Your stories keep changing, Grandmama, as I grew up. Just because I liked racecars once when I was five, doesn’t mean you once drove an Audi off a cliff. And my pirate stage, ugh, Grandmama, I can’t believe I actually believed that you had a swordfight on the British flagship.
OLD LADY
I keep telling you, don’t listen to your Grandpapa. He doesn’t know anything. And I signed you up for fencing lessons, didn’t I?
ALEX
That doesn’t exactly make me keep believing you. You don’t know any of the rules of fencing. It was Grandpapa who had to practice with me.
OLD LADY
Having rules in that sport is simply horrible. Stifles creativity, it does. Just stab your opponent with the pointy end, I say.
ALEX
And that’s why you’re not an Olympic fencer.
OLD LADY
You don’t know that. I could have been.
ALEX
I looked you up before. There wasn’t anything. You didn’t save the queen, or steal the flag from our President’s office, and those things can’t be covered up. But Grandmama, why would my mother ask about hidden treasure? Did you tell her those stories? Why would she believe them?
OLD LADY
So many questions. I think your mother may not have all the lights on upstairs. After all, my stories are just stories, aren’t they?
ALEX
Grandmama. They’re really nice stories. You pay great attention to detail, even if you start mixing them up on occasion.
OLD LADY
That’s me. Detail-oriented.
ALEX
Grandmama, stop distracting me. Mother was really demanding about this one.
OLD LADY
How about we, how do you kids say it nowadays, mess with her a little? My last wish, Alex. You can’t deny a dying woman her last wish.
ALEX
Not your last.
OLD LADY
Help me up, sweetheart.
[They exit.]
Act II
Scene 1
[Hospital room. OLD LADY lies on hospital bed, being assisted by NURSE. DOCTOR, ALEX, WOMAN, MAN enter. Soft beeping.]
NURSE
Please cooperate.
OLD LADY
I’m old, boy, not infirm. I’m already as high as a kite. I don’t need more.
DOCTOR
I beg to differ. The results of the newest scans show a marked regression in progress, and you’re clearly in pain. Please let my assistant administer the painkillers.
OLD LADY
Shut up, Doctor Bore. I’m not paying for a new wing in this God-forsaken place for you to disagree with me. Somebody’s messing with the dosage.
ALEX
Stop being so paranoid, Grandmama.
DOCTOR
It’s Doctor Moore.
OLD LADY (slurring)
International secrets in this skull, y’know. Very dangerous. Nowhere is safe. They got my poor Howard, y’know. Hah! Now me, I know the truth. My Howard would never leave a cigarette…(goes silent)
WOMAN
Speaking of payment for services rendered, Mother, there are a few items that must still be settled.
OLD LADY (to NURSE)
She’s adopted. They tried warning me, y’know. Not the same as blood children, but I didn’t listen. She was such a sweet child, and then she got kidnapped. Couldn’t find her, nobody could find her. Had to pay a ransom and everything; she’s still not一
Beeping from heart rate monitor increases in volume.
NURSE
Please remain clam. There, there, just breathe in and out.
OLD LADY
I’ve fooled lie detectors before, you numbskulls. I think I know how to breathe.
WOMAN
Mother, the money…(trails off meaningfully)
DOCTOR
And yet the resemblance between the two in sheer obnox-doggedness is startling.
OLD LADY
Nice substitution there.
DOCTOR
I coughed.
OLD LADY
I’m betting five thou you initially thought of a different noun.
ALEX
Grandmama, the good Doctor’s only trying to help. Let him help.
MAN
Be that as it may, my wife is your legal heir, am I right?
OLD LADY (to DOCTOR)
I still don’t understand why she settled for him. Breaks my heart, it does.
ALEX
Stop being so dramatic, Grandmama.
[Shrill beeping from machines.]
NURSE
We’re losing her.
DOCTOR
I have eyes, woman. Quick!
NURSE
You seem to have mistaken me for someone else. I’m male, boss. This stereotyping, seriously, I’m tired of it.
OLD LADY (struggling up)
So this is the service I get. A blind doctor, and an activist nurse.
NURSE
I’m so sorry, ma’am, please focus on breathing. Doctor, there’s nothing we can do.
WOMAN
We’ll just let the professionals handle this, Alex.
[WOMAN and MAN exit.]
ALEX
How much longer?
DOCTOR
She has a strong will. That’s something. But I’m afraid she’ll only last a few more hours, at best. We’ll try to stabilize her, but you will need to say your goodbyes soon. Make sure your parents know.
OLD LADY (coughing)
Alex, remember what I told you. Fly forth, little bird.
ALEX
Yes, Grandmama. I love you too.
[ALEX exits.]
OLD LADY
Cheeky little brat.
[Lights fade.]
Scene 2
[Same hospital room, OLD LADY on bed, NURSE and DOCTOR working on her. ALEX, WOMAN, MAN enter.]
WOMAN (to MAN)
I’ve got the will that lists us as heirs locked up safe. The family lawyer knows. It’ll all be fine.
OLD LADY (coughing blood)
Alex, they’ve been watching us and they’re coming. I’m sorry. You’re not safe. There’s cash in the breadbox I keep in my bedroom. The cache of treasure is buried...
[Beeping. OLD LADY dies.]
DOCTOR
Well.
WOMAN
Why have I not been notified of this?
MAN
Cupcake, we still have the will.
WOMAN
No, no, no. I must have the treasure. You don’t understand, honey buns. My adoptive mother has amassed great unrecorded wealth from all of her illegal activities and such over the years...oh yes, I’ve overheard many of her conversations.
MAN
There’s only so many places she could have hidden it.
WOMAN
She would have kept it in the manor.
MAN
How can you be sure?
WOMAN
Too many enemies outside. Come along, Alex.
[WOMAN and MAN exit.]
ALEX (aside)
And too many enemies within. Grandmama, just how much of what you told me was true?
[Lights fade.]
Act III
Scene 1
[Bedroom from Act I, now torn up. CONSTRUCTION WORKER cleaning up. WOMAN and ALEX enter.]
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
There’s nothing there, ma’am. I don’t know what else to say. I can keep digging, if you want, but it’ll cost extra.
WOMAN
No, you’re dismissed. My husband will be waiting for you in the great hall to check if you’ve taken any silver. He’ll know what to do with you. I know exactly what sort of person goes into construction. All felons and drunkards, the lot of you. You probably didn’t even graduate from high school.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Now, I’m not paid to listen to this crap. Mark my words, I’m telling everyone I know not to work for you.
WOMAN
See that you do.
ALEX (aside)
That sounds ominous. Sometimes I can really believe that she’s been brainwashed by enemy spies into being a b-witch.
[CONSTRUCTION WORKER exits.]
WOMAN
Where else is left? We’ve had the entire first floor uprooted and the dungeon searched. This was the last place I could think of. There’s no way she would have left it in any bank, and she wouldn’t have trusted anyone to hold it in her stead, and those she would have trusted are disposed of. This manor has the best security of the world; she would not have kept it in a safe house that could be broken into.
ALEX
Mother, this is getting ridiculous. You’re spending all this money trying to find whatever Grandmama left, and you’re destroying the manor. Will you even have anything left after you’re done?
WOMAN
I know what I’m doing. The treasure will be more than enough to cover repairs. Where else haven’t I thought of?
ALEX
But what if you don’t find the treasure?
WOMAN
I know the senile fool too well for that. Huh, perhaps she hid it in the walls. Clever, but I’ll just have them knocked down.
ALEX
Mother…
WOMAN
What do you care? You’re almost eighteen. You have your own trust fund; you don’t need my money. I’m not paying a cent on your upkeep anymore.
[WOMAN exits.]
ALEX
Did you know this would happen, Grandmama? That some sort of madness would take over the girl you took into your arms? What does she even want the gold for?
[ALEX exits.]
Scene 2
[Dusty manor hall. ALEX, holding a piece of paper in his hands, is standing in front of a closed doorway, in front of which hangs a faded sign, “aLeX’s Playrom: evrEybOdy KEeP oUt (bUt GrANdmaMa).”]
ALEX (eyes closed)
“Darling boy, if you’re reading this, happy eighteenth birthday. Your Grandmama is doing well with your Grandpapa, and don’t worry, I’m getting a great tan. Hell is a better vacation spot than Hawaii, but please refrain from visiting for a while, dear. Remember when I told you that I was once a serial killer who sewed jewels into the stomachs and eye sockets of people? You were so scared, but still you wouldn’t leave me for your mother that afternoon. Alex, all of my stories have a little bit of truth...your chubby tea party bears have a little something for you.”
[Hollow crash.]
ALEX (continues, eyes still closed)
“And if you ever want to know the truth, and you’re willing to take up the family business, there will be consequences. You can take what I left you and not think about it, or you can also find my colleague, Dentist Sterling. He may still have a practice outside Moscow. Alex, I have failed your mother, but perhaps there is still hope. I have trained you well, my little liar. I’m sorry I will not be there in person to see the chaos you create. Destroy this. There are indeed people out there, Alex, who are looking for my legacy. They had ferreted out most of my secrets, but they’ve lost, Alex. They’ve lost, because my legacy isn’t Smaug’s hoard. It’s a sweet, sweet child with far too much cynicism for his age. I’m so proud of you, honey. You know what to do.”
ALEX
The only time that old bat would apologize, and I have to destroy the proof. One last prank, huh, Grandmama? Be honest, you’re far too ambitious for one last prank. I fear the joke’s on me. You always did like convoluted plots. Really, I should have known. Can you hear me, Grandmama? What else will I find? The only thing I’ve absolutely sure of now, is the ‘Bounty Hunter, Adventurer, Pirate, Storyteller’ that’s going on your tombstone. Those were the occupations that you were most fond of, right?
[ALEX stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.]
