SPOILER ALERT: This article about spoilers contains spoilers for the second episode of Game of Thrones, season four.
I know your job is hard. I know you’re all competing for clicks. I know it’s not in your nature to keep a secret. But please, please stop spoiling the shows I love. Or at least stop pretending you care about those of us who might still be in the dark.
Don’t get me wrong: you’re pretty much my best friend. But when I miss my favorite show, I need you to not give all the major plot points away within 12 hours. This Monday morning, having not seen the second episode of Game of Thrones’ new season, I felt like I was traversing a spoiler minefield online — every headline, article, image, and tweet a possible threat.
If you don't watch Game of Thrones and wanna know what everyone's talking about this morning, here's the big moment: http://t.co/RW2JMxQd1t— Vulture (@vulture) April 14, 2014
A big moment, you say? Hm.
Oh right. Those two were planning a wedding, weren't they?
Hopefully this one is less, erm, red than the last.
There are no words for "wedding anniversary" in Game of Thrones.— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 14, 2014
Westros Weddings are why I always wait a year to buy a gift #TheDeadDontNeedJuicers— Seth Meyers (@sethmeyers) April 14, 2014
Welp, that narrows it down.
It wouldn’t take a warg to figure out what transpired, but pretty soon I wouldn’t need to figure much at all.
A headline at Vulture read "Primer: He Who Plays Game of Thrones’ Joffrey." Not bad, but then you see the the sub-head: “You might not be seeing much of Jack Gleeson going forward.” Really, Vulture? Why is that? Over on Entertainment Weekly’s homepage, a few too many images of an exceptionally obnoxious-looking Joffrey were accompanied by a "Game of Thrones: the 9 most satisfying deaths" post. And then there’s Rolling Stone who did away with any spoiler-alerting effort with its morning-after post titled “George R.R. Martin on Who Killed Joffrey.”
As always, the coup de grâce was provided by BuzzFeed. The site wasn’t just interested in giving away the big surprise death at the end of the episode, but also forecast how the big death happened. A spoiler of future episodes! I didn't even know that was a thing.
Look, Internet, you're my favorite thing to do when I'm not off enjoying the TV and movies and music that I love talking about when I'm hanging out with you. These are the stories, characters, and sounds you and I care most about. So let's keep this relationship honest. You either tell me straight up what you saw last night (Rolling Stone-style) or do a better job of keeping it to yourself.
Slideshow: How the Internet ruined Game of Thrones this week