Savage Opinions

Monday, May 19, 2014

Dan Savage, sex advice columnist, host of the weekly podcast Savage Lovecast, host of the new web series It Got Better and the author of American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics, expands beyond just sex advice, offering his opinions on Obamacare, religion, gun control, gay marriage and other issues of the day.


Dan Savage

Comments [40]

Mr. Bad from NYC

@ Just Sayin from Manhattan

let's examine the paragraph that started it all, shall we? I'll just out pick the key phrases:

You wrote:

"What is in the closet is.... forcing people into ... our whole "moral" landscape ... I share what I want with people on my terms .. I am jealous that gay sexuality is acceptable ... Cheating DOES save many relationships ... to feel alive again ... I am stuck in a relationship with a moralist ...we all "back in" to relationships ...Our sexuality begins when we are children... !!!we have a private sexuality and a social sexuality!!! that we tune to the partner we are with... a sexuality that has been growing inside a person all their life...

The "!!!" are mine. I mean that sentence says it all doesn't it? We have a private and a public sexuality? Hmmmm. Maybe. But given all the other stuff you've written my guess is that you're a closeted homosexual who has entered into a sham heterosexual union because you feel you have to and that shame is the source of your narcissism. Now you are cured. Go be free and be gay, nothing wrong with it. I'm guessing you're an African American woman between 33 and 47? Amiright?

May. 19 2014 03:27 PM
jgarbuz from Queens


No woman ever broke my heart. Only my balls.

May. 19 2014 02:38 PM
jgarbuz from Queens

Becky wrote"

>"Bitter Much" jgarbuz? She really broke your heart.<

Ha! I married her to save my baby from being aborted.

May. 19 2014 02:32 PM
Mr. Bad from NYC

Isn't is amusing how "Just Sayin from Manhattan" & "Jill R from Queens" have the same sort of writing style, the ellipses, the CAPITALIZED words, and even use the same metaphors (hint hint the scat based stuff like "sh*t flinging ape" and "your $#@! does not stink" ? Quite a coincidence. This is what happens when you tick off a Narcissist, the narcissistic rage is all consuming for them. It's classic. Does this list ring any bells kiddo? Use a different handle to reply next time...
1.)Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
2.)A lack of psychological awareness
3.)Difficulty with empathy
4.)Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
5.)Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
6.)Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
7.)Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
8.)Pretending to be more important than they really are
9.)Bragging (subtly but persistently)
10.)Denial of remorse and gratitude

May. 19 2014 02:25 PM
Just Sayin from Manhattan

"Mr. Bad is REALLY sensitive about all this .. TOO sensitive ... something tells me Cuckold is written all over his life ..
Oh by the way...... I own my condo so no one can send me packing ...

May. 19 2014 12:54 PM
Jill R from Queens

Mr bad you have some real ISSUES . don't be an ape in the zool flinging feces because you are caged. The only loser here is the one calling others a loser

May. 19 2014 12:50 PM

I agree with Truth and Beauty. Monogamy is the solution to safe sex without protective devices. Who wants someone else's germs to mess up a good life? I also agree that masturbation is great (and often much better than awkward/boring/unsatisfying... shared sex) but still unfortunately frowned on by many in our society (remembering that Clinton's Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders was forced to resign when advocating masturbation as a solution to unsafe sex).

May. 19 2014 12:31 PM
The Truth from Becky

"Bitter Much" jgarbuz? She really broke your heart.

May. 19 2014 12:15 PM
Mr. Bad from NYC

This thread is full of completely deluded losers, more so than usual. A "marriage" is not something that should be saved if one partner is cheating on the other, it's a broken contract, that's all. End it. Or don't get married in the first place, bang anyone you want! Or if you discover midlife you're some sort of polyamory enthusiast more power to you, get a divorce and bang anyone you want but don't delude yourself that you're "saving" something by defrauding your partner - That's just messed up.

May. 19 2014 12:12 PM
JM from Manhattan

@jgarbuz are you saying you have more butt experience?

May. 19 2014 12:07 PM
Mr. Bad from NYC

@ JM from Manhattan

Yes, any sexual urge must be acted upon and gratified and anyone who says different is a fascist and human rights violator... you're pathetic.

May. 19 2014 12:06 PM
jgarbuz from Queens


I've probably had more experiences in life than all the men here put together, including Bryan. I know wereof I speak. But who cares? Everyone has to learn with his own "tuchis" as we say in yiddish. Life gives you your stripes on your butt.

May. 19 2014 12:03 PM
JM from Manhattan

Message to Jgarbuz : We are not Birds ... Bird infidelity is not about being horny or randy... Cheez talk about "a little learning is a dangerous thing " you just don't get the fine points do you ?

What makes you Randy is testosterone do some research on the differences in serum levels of testosterone between males and females .. ever heard of chemical castration? Ever watch a "Low T" commercial..
Get more educated on the "endocrinology of sexual arousal" before you leap..

here is a tip for you and "Mr.Bad"

copy "endocrinology of sexual arousal" and paste into you might LEARN SOMETHING

May. 19 2014 11:59 AM
jgarbuz from Queens


You're wrong. WOmen LOVE It. And seek it. But have to be more circumspect and quiet about it. But the male chauvinist nonsense that women are somehow morally superior to men makes me scream with laughter and disbelief.! It's all MOMMYISM. Being raised by a female in whom we've put some much trust and beliefs. Only religious women are more trustworthy, to a certain extent.

May. 19 2014 11:59 AM
Mr. Bad from NYC

@ Just Saying from Manhattan

You've responded in exactly the way a narcissist would. You are not stuck in a relationship, you have attached yourself like a lamprey to another person and you blame them for all your shame and self loathing. It's sick. This person is most certainly not in need of your help, it is rather the other way around, and if they knew how you really feel they'd send you packing.

May. 19 2014 11:59 AM
John from Over There


You are nuts. You had a bad marriage. So what? Don't generalize it to every topic on this program and cite Brave New World as your factual source for all things to come. Get out of your apartment in Queens and gain some real world experience, and don't assume history just repeats itself and everyone else is a liberal idiot.

May. 19 2014 11:58 AM
john from office

"we all have butts"

HE SAID ANAL!!! Giggle Giggle

I want to wash my hands after this segment.

May. 19 2014 11:56 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

"Love" is just another four letter word to describe an irrational set of emotions that will eventually pass. But hate goes on forever.

May. 19 2014 11:56 AM
John A

Guest by saying a straight coming out by child was stressful may be unwittingly confirming some widely held opinions that gay parenting may add undue stress to the straight child.

May. 19 2014 11:56 AM
Amy from Manhattan

On the WNYC/NY Post comparison: Sorry, Brian, but there's a major fallacy in your question. WNYC is worth an infinite number of times what the NY Post is worth to me, because the Post is worth nothing to me & I'd never buy it. So if I went by your measure, I wouldn't contribute to WNYC, because infinity times zero is zero. Luckily, I know my math, & I do contribute to WNYC!

May. 19 2014 11:55 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

Scientific studies made on some species of birds proved, to the horror of many researchers. that the females of the species had more outside "affairs" the the males, only they were so, so sneaky and guarded about it that they were able to get away with it far more often than not. The idea that males are "randier" or hornier than females is UTTER RUBBISH. Men crow or cannot hide well their perceived "conquests" whereas females have evolved to be so much more craftier, sneakier and totally mum about it that men are clueless by and large. Women want it and are gonna get it and the more schmuck will either be in the dark or incapable of ever proving it. Unless he can hire a really good private investigator.

May. 19 2014 11:51 AM
Truth & Beauty from Brooklyn

Really? A story about a kid from a gay home who struggles about revealing his heterosexual orientation? Isn't that part of the plot of La Cage aux Folles?

Re: Having a physical relationship outside one's marriage or committed relationship: I suppose that with the knowledge and consent of a spouse who is no longer able to engage in sexual activity (unless that spouse is comatose or brain dead), maybe, but from a strictly health viewpoint, not such a great idea as there is a great number of people out there carrying STDs that you don't want to take home with you, and from a sociological standpoint, even penguins and geese have monogamous relationships. If they can do it and we human beings are supposed to be the ones with the brains, why can't we do it?

Wake up, People, and take responsibility for your actions. You want to step out on your spouse, say so or take your lumps. There is no excuse for sneaking around - except for damaging a family - and what responsible adult would want to ruin his/her family that way?

May. 19 2014 11:50 AM
Anonymous from Uptown

men are more promiscuous period, no matter who the partner: male, female, black, white, short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly - they are NOT monogamous, they are "born cheaters"

May. 19 2014 11:50 AM
Just Sayin from Manhattan

@ Mr Bad you see the problem with people like you is you ASSUME and you are wrong. People like YOU make me sick. Keep your judgements to your self. I am chained by my compassion for my partner who has no way to take care of them self at the moment. The only narcissist here is you who thinks you have the answers for everyone because you think your $#@! does not stink.. let me tell you .. your's is worse than any one else you have ever encountered

May. 19 2014 11:49 AM
Donald from Grammercy

Brian hasnt read the nypost in years, the cover price is not 50 cents

May. 19 2014 11:49 AM
Amy from Manhattan

I'm surprised to hear Mr. Savage say different-sex couples only have 1 kind of sex. I'd think a sex columnist would know better.

May. 19 2014 11:46 AM
JM from Manhattan

@jgarbuz why be married ? why is it your concern? if they want to go in and out of monogamy , marriage , whatever leave your beliefs to you and your partner and let people have the freedom and "pursuit of happiness" to enter into what ever relationships they choose. It's THEIR business and NOT OURS. There are partners that restrict and take offense to masturbation. Face it its all about CONTROL .. NO you don't own your body any more its your "partners" . NO preaching about love. You don't need marriage for love. Love and SEX are as separate as oil and water you can shake it up and make an emulsion but when things settle they will always separate back to their respective place in our lives...

May. 19 2014 11:46 AM

I prefer adult clubs. Everyone is married or committed to the person they came with. Lots of sex is had with lots of different people. And in the end, the couples leave together, happily ever after. And no one feels like they're cheating.

May. 19 2014 11:45 AM
Mr. Bad from NYC

@ Just Saying from Manhattan

ROFL. You wrote:" I am stuck in a relationship with a moralist"...

No, you are a narcissist. How are you stuck exactly? Chained to a radiator by this moralist? Give us your address we'll send help.

Let me guess you're not the breadwinner... ? So many people like this in the world, makes my skin crawl...

May. 19 2014 11:44 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

As usual Bryan reaches for the WRONG conclusion, that females are more pro-monogamy!:) WRONG! Females feel weaker and often feel the need for a protector, or at least having another female companion if no male wants her. The idea that women are "more monogamous" is simply more male silliness that somehow still wants to be put on some moral pedestal. Something every human still has is a mother (often unfortunately) and that's why this pro-female bias that even most males harbor. Mommyism.

May. 19 2014 11:44 AM

Our friends the Clinton's have been open for 30 years now, still no divorce in sight.

May. 19 2014 11:43 AM
JM from Manhattan

Come on lets get real Men are hornier than women most of the time and that is why gay men don't have as much problems they understand each other and they match better in terms of sexual adventure. There are sexiually adventurious women but they are condemned in this society ... STraight men are in a straight jacket...

Now cue up the "sexual disease" slut shame group to shame us back into the box..

May. 19 2014 11:39 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

Why even be "married" at all? Such a ridiculous, parasitic, irrelevant relic of the pre-21st century era.

May. 19 2014 11:36 AM
Mr. Bad from NYC

Ugh, Savage is sooo wrong. Plenty of fish in the sea. People who are married and "cheat", i.e. not tell their partner they're messing around, are just scamming their partner, have no sympathy for them. It's an indefensible position.

May. 19 2014 11:36 AM
Just Saying from Manhattan

Jealousy ( which is possessiveness multiplied by insecurity ) is the reason for these problems. What is in the closet is that some people NEED multiple sexual relationships and we need to stop condemning them and forcing people into unrealistic monogamy .. Our whole "moral" landscape is ful of minefields like this and that is why it is actually immoral. My body is my own I share what I want with people on my terms .. but I do what I want and any partner/s should be able to do the same.

I am jealous that gay sexuality is acceptable in enlightened circles but promiscuity among heterosexuals is not

Cheating DOES save many relationships it gives one of the partners their ability to feel alive again . I am stuck in a relationship with a moralist and it's hell this is not my nature but we all "back in" to relationships and are in the thick of it before we really know it. Our sexuality begins when we are children we have a private sexuality and a social sexuality that we tune to the partner we are with. How can any partner think they can completely dismiss a sexuality that has been growing inside a person all their life long before they knew the partner ever existed?

May. 19 2014 11:35 AM
Mr. Bad from NYC

@ jgarbuz from Queens

No, but it ain't for everyone and that's the problem. I'm sure this guy means well but I don't think most gay relationships work the same way most straight ones do. "Love" and "commitment" are great and all but humans are animals, highly evolved, but still animals, and there has to be an edge to make it last, sexless or not.

May. 19 2014 11:32 AM

Marry your masseuse

May. 19 2014 11:30 AM
Lisa from Manhattan

I trusted that my husband loved me, so I didn't freak out when he 'cheated' on me. I understood the circumstances.
When I cheated on HIM some years later, he could not handle it and insisted we divorce. On the one hand, I was shocked that he didn't believe in MY love, but I suppose in retrospect I gave him too much credit.

May. 19 2014 11:29 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

What about masturbation? Masturbation can be good.
Cheating will always lead to divorce sooner or later.

May. 19 2014 11:26 AM
jgarbuz from Queens

More nails in the coffin called "marriage."

May. 19 2014 11:14 AM

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