#CancerEtiquette: What To Say When Cancer Comes

As we reported our Living Cancer series we were struck by how hard it is for all of us to say the right thing when a friend or family member is diagnosed with cancer. So we asked some experts – cancer patients and their families– for cancer etiquette advice. Add your own in the comments section below, or share them on social media with #CancerEtiquette.

What was that one thing someone said that was probably meant to be supportive but actually felt hurtful, distressing, disrespectful, annoying, or dispiriting?

Mary Harris, the health editor at WNYC Radio

As a young cancer patient, my pet peeve reaction was “my grandmother had breast cancer.” The instinct to relate was so sweet, but it just didn’t acknowledge my reality, and it made me feel elderly. Don’t feel like you need to relate to me so much that you over-reach for common ground.

Mary Elizabeth Williams, senior writer at Salon

I think the worst have been the comments from people who meant well but said, "Cancer knows better than to mess with you!" or "You're so strong; you have such a great attitude; you'll get through it." My best friend and I went through cancer together, and she died. I find it so hurtful when people treat survivors like we somehow succeeded, in a situation that's so cruel and random. Would they have considered me a failure if I'd died?

Susan Gubar, distinguished emerita professor of English at Indiana University and the author of “Memoir of a Debulked Woman,” which explores her experience with ovarian cancer

I was not so much distressed as astonished when someone said to me, "How does it feel to be so close to death"!! However, I was more upset by people who said, "You look great and you'll beat this!"

Ryan Green, creator of the game That Dragon, Cancer and father of Joel Green who had terminal cancer

Sometimes people who care about me and don't want to see me in pain, make statements they believe are comforting like, "At least he is whole now" or "We rejoice with you that he's in heaven" or "Look how many people his life touched." these statements reflect their desire to take my pain away or shift my perspective to look for blessings, however I want to feel my pain. I love my son and I miss him, it should hurt me that he is gone. If it is time to mourn, let's mourn together, if it is time to grieve, let's grieve together.

Amy Green, creator of the game That Dragon, Cancer and mother of Joel Green who had terminal cancer

One question that we received often from very well meaning people was whether or not we had considered various alternative treatments. I know that when people suggested that we look into diets or alternative hospitals they were hoping that they could offer something new that might work, when in actuality their questions belittled the seriousness of our son's diagnosis. Their statements implied that we had not already researched and had long, heart-wrenching conversations with our son's doctors. As parents, we had exhausted the options available to us, and worked hard to do everything we could to help our son, so eventually the well meaning suggestions for alternative treatments feel hurtful when your child is terminal.

What was that one thing someone said that you really appreciated or the one thing you wish someone had said but didn’t?

Mary Harris

When you have cancer you still have a sense of humor. So when someone made a joke about my treatment, it made me way happier and more comfortable than if they tried to deeply relate to me, or feel my pain. Another thing that people don’t get: you might not want to talk about cancer all the time. Your friend with cancer is a lot more than that. She’s your Mom Friend and Work Friend and everything else. And sometimes it’s a lot more fun to talk about that stuff than your chemo side effects.

Mary Elizabeth Williams

I had to go to the hospital suddenly one day, and afterward talked on the phone with my friend who was also having a really tough time with her own cancer. She said, "I'm angry about this. I'm angry this is happening to us." It was such a relief. People want you to be cheerful and hopeful all the time, and it's really important to let yourself be sad or mad or scared too. I appreciated the people who understood that and didn't expect me to be their inspirational saintly cancer warrior.

Ryan Green

Early on one of our pastors gave us a good piece of advice. He told us that we would be getting information all the time, and it would change constantly, so he encouraged us not to let ourselves be moved by every wave of new information we received, to find a firm place to stand and try not to react to each piece of news as we got it.