Please Explain: Dating Etiquette

Friday, October 22, 2010

If you've ever wondered how long you should wait before asking for a second date, or if it's acceptable to split the check, or whether or not you should declare that you are in a relationship on Facebook, today's Please Explain will provide some answers. Thomas P. Farley and Diane Gottsman discuss the etiquette of dating.


Thomas P. Farley and Diane Gottsman

Comments [32]


a boy I met on a online dating site totally did ALL of these things.. ugh, thanks for the post and the bad memories :)

Dec. 08 2010 11:26 AM
Daniel Bernhard from Boston, MA, USA

Many years ago I did something I thought was novel: I will provide the first round of cocktails, once you are done, If you feel pleased with our time together, you order the second round ... she only ordered one drink, but did not ask me to leave - as a matter of fact, she did not say anything ... I went to the restroom, did not return ...

One, thing, guys and girls: shut off your phone, take out your ear-piece. Rid of the chewing gum. And, take off your Baseball cap, as soon as you see the other person approach.

Show some respect!

Oct. 24 2010 03:35 PM
Francesca Sphynx from New Jersey

Thank you so much for this program! It is so [so so] gratifying to hear an intelligent discussion amongst people who have surveyed a wide number and variety of daters and have found appropriate approaches to commonly stressful and uncomfortable situations in dating.
I have been searching for years for this such gauge for myself to go by when I'm on dates.

What a eureka of relief this is.

Oct. 22 2010 02:07 PM
equally shy woman

@ Shy man seeks Outgoing woman from NYC

what would you do if a shy woman you'd been mutually flirting with since late July sent you a note offering her contact information and a suggestion of coffee sometime? Should she follow up with you at some random later date or hope you'll eventually follow up...

Oct. 22 2010 01:56 PM

I think it really depends on the time and moment. Since I was a student some 40 years ago. Some women just want you to " Jump Their Bones" and some don't. Age does not seem to matter.

Just be honest- that's what's important

Oct. 22 2010 01:51 PM
Anonymous Female from Manhattan

What about talking about STDs like herpes? (Sorry if you discussed this already.) It took a good long while before I figured out how to talk about it on dates, and when. DON'T talk about it right away, is the upshot. Let a relations develop, if it's going to. But when the time comes to talk about continuing dating and/or or to become more serious, I finally came up with: "I don't know -- you may not be able to have sex with me." This sounded and felt better to me than "I have a problem" and/or "I might not be able to have sex with you." p.s. I had 100% integrity about telling my partner that I had an STD before ever they were at risk or might worry about having been at risk. So.... no kissing without first having shared the info, whether or not kissing is "dangerous" or not.

Oct. 22 2010 01:51 PM
Anne from brooklyn

regarding lying about age on a profile online at Match or wherever...
if you tell the truth you will not show up in the profiles of the men in your age range...they all look for younger women.
It is all about the chemistry anyway (!) and if I seem (for real) younger than my age I can go on a date and then we can see what it is like and if I want to see them again I make sure to "own up to the truth" eventually.

Oct. 22 2010 01:51 PM
Lisa from nyc

Isn't there a shred of decency in breaking up with a guy via email if you provide a full explanation? In many ways I think avoiding the confrontation of a face-to-face (yet very unbalanced) conversation spares his ego and allows him the time to collect his thoughts and possible respond in a way that maintains his sense of dignity.

Oct. 22 2010 01:50 PM

I think it depends. If you are dating an older guy I would think a younger women wants someone who tries to be like a "Carry Grant"

Just like an older woman would expect something different from a younger man.

Oct. 22 2010 01:48 PM
Gabriel from NYC

Who should pay for first dates? Is going "Dutch" an option for guys? If you internet date you can end up going on a lot of first dates and that can add up if you're not really meeting anybody worthwhile.

Oct. 22 2010 01:47 PM
Shy man seeks Outgoing woman from NYC

I LOVE it when women are confident and outgoing. Totally takes away the pressure. It's 2010. Women are equal partners. We're not dancing the Foxtrot, and I'd be thrilled if you asked me out.

Oct. 22 2010 01:44 PM

Well Cat, just date men who spend money on their own appearance! Problem solved.

You seem to be describing a dynamic in which men with no style date ridiculously high-maintenance women. That does happen, but it's not my world. Among my peers, the men and women are somewhat even in superficial investments.

In my own industry there is indeed still a slight pay gap and general entitlement of certain men. However, I don't date men in my line of work. I think that attitudes need to be adjusted on a case-by-case basis; if I'm dating a man who makes significantly less than I do and I want to eat in a fine dining establishment, of course I'm going to offer to get most of the bill!

Oct. 22 2010 01:41 PM
bob from huntington

the comment about "tweeting" during a date brings to mind the scene in woody allen's "bananas" where howard cosell is doing play-by-play commentary of woody allen's tryst with louise lasser.

Oct. 22 2010 01:39 PM
Maria from Manhattan

P.S. to my comment
Dating is a very American concept in part because of the importance of the social contract of marriage in a puritanical culture. That may be Latin languages, French, Italian, Portuguese, have no word for dating because the stages os relationships are more blurred.
Co-habitation is socially accepted as marriage in many other cultures ( actually, Scandinavian children are raised by both parents ( married or not) in much higher numbers than children living in the American "red" states)

Oct. 22 2010 01:38 PM
sb from nyc

Isn't it just plain old chivalry for the man to pay for the first date?

In my experience, whenever a man does NOT pay for a first date, it's because he is either only interested in a platonic relationship (or none at all) or he is flat broke! Any truth in this?

Oct. 22 2010 01:33 PM
Juli from Skillman, NJ

I met my husband at work 12 years ago. I work very well on projects with my husband. The only negative thing that occurred from the onset of our dating relationship was the fact that his boss flew into a jealous rage. Neither of us realized that he had feelings like that for my husband. But, other than that, I don't see any problems with dating those that you work with as long as you are mature about the relationship.

Oct. 22 2010 01:28 PM

When is the best time to make a move? How touchy feely or kissey can you get on a first date?

Should you just let it fly? I heard that unless its a blind date, women have already figured out that they would like to sleep with you because they find you visually attractive enough to go out with you and the date is just for the woman to figure out if you connect on other levels or not crazy.

Oct. 22 2010 01:27 PM
Maria from Manhattan

Guys, I love your show but I am shaking my head here.
As a long time expatriate and survivor of the so called dating scene ( there is no word for dating in my language) I never cease to be surprised by the fact that grown ups need tips on gallantry, civility, common sense. I guess that is why I almost never date native New Yorkers. When I brought up the fact that women older than 40 few invisible in New York, a famous American academic and writer told e the following:
She sat on a Central Park bench next to a chimpanzee ( I do not make this up) that had come to town in a supervised trip, from a university lab. NOBODY looked at her. "That's how invisible we are", she sighed. New York is not the world capital of romance, I tell you. By the way, I just donated more money to counter the appalling backlash about Juan "only black male on the air" Williams.

Oct. 22 2010 01:26 PM
barrie raffel from NYC

When my mom started dating after her marriage of 25 years ended, she struggled with what to do when someone asked her out who she didn't feel interested in. she was uncertain whether to lie (which makes her nervous) and say that there was another man in her life, or just be honest. One time she decided to try lying and she accidentally said I"m sorry, but there's another man in my mouth - I mean life..... He was truly way more interested in her after that so she is always honest now.

Oct. 22 2010 01:26 PM
Joe from Englewood, NJ

I feel the best excuse for not pursuing another date is to state that you don't feel that there is good MHC gene compatibility, which could be very much true.

Oct. 22 2010 01:25 PM
Jamison from Fort Green

How do you tell a fend that they need to go out lots of dates even if they dont think its the right girl and the right girl is not going to just fall in there lap??

Oct. 22 2010 01:24 PM
Cat from Park Slope

Women STILL DO NOT make as much as men. And women spend WAY more on our looks/grooming to keep the man interested. I feel a man should pay because he wants to impress me and care for me, not because he feels he must.

Oct. 22 2010 01:23 PM

The best first dates are free parties, gallery openings and where there is enough drinks and hor derves to go around. This way I am not out any money and the girl doesn't need to worry about what to order.

Oct. 22 2010 01:22 PM

I go dutch, and if we continue to date we just take turns. I'll never understand why in this day and age why women still expect to be paid for (and yes I am a woman).

Oct. 22 2010 01:21 PM
Maggie from nyc

Girls, don't ask the guy out. If the guy doesn't make the first moves asking you out, they are either uninterested, passive aggressive or need a mommy.

Oct. 22 2010 01:19 PM
Frank Grimaldi from East Village

I had a conversation with a straight male friend last night who said it was harder to date because he was expected to pay for a woman. He said it was easier for gay men because we go dutch. Aside from stating the grass is always greener on the other side,my response to him was that he would have to be honest and negotiate the date.

Oct. 22 2010 01:18 PM

Don't marry or date someone from work. Because if the company goes out of business you both get screwed

Oct. 22 2010 01:17 PM

What is the best way to ask someone out. Is it still a phone call or can you use email?

Oct. 22 2010 12:57 PM

Are these guys out on the dating circuit? And what if your goal is to be a "playa" and not looking for a lifetime commitment?

Oct. 22 2010 12:47 PM

Are these guys out on the dating circuit? And what if your goal is to be a "playa" and not looking for a lifetime commitment?

Oct. 22 2010 12:46 PM
Rebecca from Manhattan

I constantly argue with my friends about this: after a first date isn't it proper etiquette for a man to call the woman to say no thank you? If you had a pleasant time but you are not interested it is the right thing to do to tell the woman so she is not sitting and waiting by the phone for the man to call. What do you think? Does one date require a rejection phone call?

Oct. 22 2010 12:43 PM
Liam from East Elmhurst

A long protracted flatulence is ill-advised in dating situations especially if it is odorous.

However, it happens.

Oct. 22 2010 12:06 PM

Leave a Comment

Email addresses are required but never displayed.

Get the WNYC Morning Brief in your inbox.
We'll send you our top 5 stories every day, plus breaking news and weather.