The Brian Lehrer Show Satire Slam!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 - 12:00 AM
Charles Esser from Newark,NJ
Marriage with all its legal burdens has for too long been the responsibility of heterosexuals, while homosexuals were left free of such worries or fears. To this I say, No More! In order to ensure our nation’s moral strength we must put an end to the homosexuals’ effort to subvert our notion of family, by insisting that if they live together, raise a family together, care for one another, that they too must endure the legal ramifications of marriage.
How many young men and women have been seduced into the worry free life style of homosexuality? The ease of life that results from an avoidance of marriage is too seductive a trap for a young unformed mind to avoid. We must close for all time this method of recruitment by the homosexual legions, and enforce the burdens of marriage upon them!
We must let homosexuals know their free ride is over. That they too must purchase the bovine if they wish to enjoy the dairy. The heterosexual community will no longer stand idly by while the homosexual is free to enjoy their relationships unburdened by legal recognition. If we do not force marriage upon the homosexual community, who will?
Erin F. Slattery from Astoria
Welcome to the AIG 2009 Rebranding Party/Family Reunion ™! We are delighted to see so many of you again, and looking so very focused! Please leave all small-arms ammunition, pointy objects, ATM cards, and shoes with our Collective Collateral Representative before participating. We regret that lawyers, accountants, and members of Congress must remain outside.
Note that your state-of-the-art RFID leg-cuff grants you easy access to all activities, and may be adjusted for optimal comfort with the use of wire cutters.
9:30-10:30: Healing Bikram Yoga (Troubled Asana Relief Program). (Please provide your own mat and squeegee.)
11:10-11:15: Opening Remarks by CEO (Chairman of Extreme Optimism!). Lobby broom closet. Seating for two.
11:15-11:18: Rebranding/Renaming Acronym Fiesta. Our new brand, AIU, deserves a thoughtful, catchy, visionary definition. Please vote for your favorite:
Averting Imminent Unease
Arty Individuals, Uniquely on
Арте́льный горшо́к гу́ще кипи́т
11:20-11:30: Wearable Credit-Derivatives Eco-Chic. Time to get crafty! Credit default swaps easily transform into prêt-a-porter wear for all* seasons. Because we care.
*Not applicable in all scenarios.
Noon-12:30: Bailout Smorgasbord. Please provide a hot or cold dish to serve 70. (Take-out menus available from Fran.) 12:30-12:35: Closing Remarks and Exit Interviews. Please have your checkbooks ready!
Stuart from Manhattan
Following on the heels of his successful campaigns to eliminate smoking and trans fats in restaurants and term limits in government and in keeping with his recent moves to limit sodium in foods, Mayor Bloomberg has announced a number of other initiatives he will be implementing throughout his 3rd and 4th terms. These measures will include but are in no ways limited to restrictions on:
Wearing stripes with plaids Playing ball in the house
Laughing too loudly in public
Riding Western style
Eating before bedtime
Having pizza two days in row
Calling people “Honey”
Ripping a piece off a bagel before you get home with it
Getting too sweaty
When pressed for comment on the ambitious breadth and scope of his plans, Mayor Bloomberg simply responded, “I have only the interests of all the people…hey are you chewing gum? What have I told you about chewing gum…”
Gerry Segal from New York
Jacques: The Wall Street Tailor
Music and Lyrics: Gerry Segal ©2008
Jacques The Wall Street Tailor
Can talk trade and baste hems all night
Jacques The Wall Street Tailor
these pants just don't fall right
Got into some bad housing derivatives
Then the floor fell through
I'm leaving Town
Drop the cuffs down
then I'll call you
Jacques, the crotch is a bit tight
Ooooh, It's beginning to pinch
The Justice Department got me in their sites
Cooked the books at Merill Lynch
They don't care that Madoff made off with my annuity
No more Sacks Fifth Avenue
I got my visa
I'm off to Ibiza
I'll text you
Oh how wonderful life was back in the spring
All anticipation, no regulation
We all just lived like we were kings
Jacques I heard that you're closing the business
and your name is Julius after all
Give my kind regards to your family
They’ll get food stamps in the Fall
Me I'll muddle through on the Islands
The Tarp will see me through
Jacques don't be bitter
I found a new fitter
His name is Drew.
Jim Sparks from Manhattan
Republicans Call Keynesian Economics “Just a Theory,” Propose Job Creationism:
Top Republican leaders today called Keynesian economic principles in the Obama stimulus plan, “Just a theory.” In a news conference from Capitol Hill, Republican Minority Leader John Boehner said, “The idea that Federal construction projects will create jobs in this country is utter malarkey. It is a well known fact that spending by the government in the 1930s actually prolonged the depression and that the thousands of jobs created by agencies like the WPA weren’t real. Keynes has never been proven right and he was, after all, a poofter,” the Ohio congressman said.
Instead, Republicans will propose a Job Creationism Tax Cut that will stimulate investment and hiring by the business owners who are the party’s base. It will include provisions for a full tax credit for lobbying expenses, and a $1000 child tax credit to companies that hire heterosexual parents. It will also eliminate the death tax because it is believed that under Creationist Economics, good Republicans actually can take it with them. An IRS spokeswoman declined to confirm such deductions are possible.
Dave and Jon Zornow from Nyack, NY and NYC
Federal prosecutors, working in conjunction with the Treasury Department, have arranged a plea bargain with Bernard Madoff, the convicted felon whose fancy financial footwork cost investors billions of dollars. Madoff will see an early release from prison and will complete his sentence doing community service as director of the Social Security Administration.
The undersecretary for the Bureau of Retirement On Key Entitlements says the former head of NASDAQ brings unique qualifications to the job. “We’re in bad shape," says Les Funds. "By 2017, Social Security will be paying out more than we take in. We need someone with a ‘magic touch’ to grow the system while still allowing us to burn the candle at both ends.”
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says that putting Madoff in charge of Social Security is either a publicity stunt or a good example of government learning from the private sector. Bloomberg told WNYC’s radio audience last January that “Madoff's isn't the biggest ponzi scheme ever. – that’s social security." When asked to comment on today’s announcement, Bloomberg rolled his eyes and said he’s running out of political parties to quit.
Don Arrup from New York, New York
Why We Don’t Have Universal Health Care
I asked the guy standing next to me at the bus stop why we don't have Universal health care. He said it was because I smoked and he didn't want his tax dollars covering my oxygen tank. I told him he was fat and I didn't want to pay for his triple bypass. The diabetic woman with three kids was asking people passing by if they had any candy while promising her kids ice cream when they got home. The church lady refused to pay for people with more than one sex partner while the drunk announced he needed a drink and a new liver. The girl who had come out of the tanning salon said that if the bus didn’t come soon she’d get skin cancer which caused the junkie to laugh so hard he stumbled into the street where he was hit by a skateboarder not wearing a helmet knocking the junkie in front of an SUV driven by a guy engrossed in his cell phone. Then the SUV swerved and crushed a Smart car.
The fat guy turned to me and said, “You see, this is why I don’t exercise.”
Quinn Raymond from East Village
THIS I BELIEVE
Call me crazy, but I believe that these tea-bagging parties are just a guerrilla marketing campaign sponsored by Lipton.
I believe that given current events, Pittsburgh should probably rename its baseball team.
I believe that if given the choice, I would rather have mass transit than new stadiums.
I believe that when you die, and your are at the pearly gates, St Peter pulls up a list of all the comments you posted on various blogs. I'm looking at you, "Babyhitler17".
I believe that if a lowly billionaire can work his way up to become the mayor of the greatest city in the world, then truly anything is possible.
I believe that if we're ever going to get to the bottom of the torture scandal, we're going to need to take Cheney into a room and torture him. Daily Show reruns perhaps?
I believe that Bobby Jindal is the future of the Republican party. Literally I believe he is from the future, and part of a complex plot to convince the government to stop monitoring volcanoes.
Finally, I believe that Satire Slams should have a wrestling component.
This I believe.