The War Back Home

Monday, May 24, 2010

William Finnegan and Sergeant Troy Haley talk about the strains that deployment puts on marriages and families.

In his article “Love and War,” in GQ magazine’s June issue, Finnegan speaks with several soldiers (including Sergeant Haley) and looks at how cell phones, satellite phones, e-mail, texting, webcams and Skype give soldiers an open line of communication to their spouses, families and crumbling lives back home.


William Finnegan and Sergeant Troy Haley

Comments [8]

VICTORIAGIA from Astoria, N.Y.

I can't believe so many women cheat on OUR military men who are out there risking their lives out on a battle field.
I would be at church praying and crying till he would come home I would be calling IRAQ going to IRAQ or to the white house demanding to bring back my husband.
I would be devastated my heart would be broken. But what a welcome Home I would give HIM.

It is incomprehensible to me how these women cheat on these soldiers the stories are shocking, yet true.
How can you cheat on your husband who brakes his back at work and on the battle field in WAR to support your HOME,
No respect for the vows it is a discrace.

I have never cheated and never will, ever

This is a sad story how men at war have to carry around a 800lb gorilla as SGT Troy Haley said thinking about if his wife is cheating back home that is a sin.
These women do not deserve these HONORABLE MEN

Aug. 27 2010 07:15 AM

TO all the soldiers if your wife or girlfriend cheats on you it is because she does not love you. I had a long explanation but it got lost. that is the root to the problem.

I have friends of my mine that cheat on their husbands I am against this totally I tried to stop them but they wont listen. From talking with them i picked their brains like a surgeon the answer stems down to one thing only
she does not love you

I would rather die than cheat or lie or be disloyal.
As my mother would say look at your fingers on your hand all your fingers are different, that is so with people not everyone will think or be the same way.
i used to go to my mother and ask why do people do the things they do.

So soldiers if she cheats she does not deserve you find someone that does
I wish I was married to a soldier I would kiss the ground they walk on

Aug. 27 2010 06:40 AM


Aug. 27 2010 06:27 AM

My last post should say: "The Supreme Court ruled businesses were liable if they didn't work to address harassment."

I'd like to add, in the face of DADT repeal, can you imagine how much harder it is to have a relationship that you have to hide, a partner that can never become involved (as SGT Haley said was important) and without the benefit of the services the military offers straight couples.

Jun. 14 2010 10:35 AM
Veteran from USA

The military does have sexual harassment problems, as do workplaces yet it is not the same, they also have assault problems like many families do.

Those raped, assaulted or harassed in the military have LESS protection and options than in any other workplace. Instead of viewing these crimes from the point of view of the "business", or even worse the criminal let's view it from the POV of the men and women targeted. A business may stop these crimes because it is bad for business but the military can pick and choose when to punish, there is no real oversight. This is like allowing a business to police itself. Instead, in the civilian world someone who is assaulted or raped at work can leave and can sue if the business does not take steps to correct the problem. This seems rather rare in a business- how many work places/businesses do you know of that count rape as a problem? In this way the military is very different.
Not to mention in the military you cannot quit if you are raped even if your boss makes you live and work next to the person who committed the crime. The Supreme Court ruled businesses were liable if they did work to address harassment. In the military however you can't sue. Congress doesn't even seem able to get the task force in charge of addressing this problem to meet.

So no, Mr. Lopate, it is NOT like any workplace.

Jun. 14 2010 10:15 AM
Burtnor from Manhattan

It's really surprising in 2010 that the conversation on Lopate is still so often sexist -- not in a malicious way, I think, just unconscious. The interview with the military people today was a case in point: 1) The wall of shame posts photos of wives and girlfriends who have cheated. Are there no photos of male Marines who have cheated? Are they not as shamed? 2) The women at home are bereft because men usually fix things around the house. Women don't fix things themselves? Are they not capable of picking up the phone and calling the A/C repair service themselves (which most men would do in any case)? 3) Spouses of both sexes at home are also under stress because they are raising children alone, often while working another full time job. And children are missing a parent. Does no one think of the stress on children -- and not just because other kids at school don't have deployed parents. 4) Women in the military are under stresses that men do not endure. Yea, don't you think? And that situation, with four women among nearly 800 men in an isolated foreign war zone, is NOT just like "any other work environment." And sexual harassment has NOT gone away.

Finally, not related to gender, people are at war, independent of politics, because "it's a job." Really? They never think about what they are doing there and why? That's absurd. We all make choices every day about what we do.

May. 24 2010 12:56 PM

There are a great many people -- millions -- in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan who have never "gone to war" but understand all too well what it's like to be in a war, probably better than Sergeant Haley.

May. 24 2010 12:35 PM
Snoop from Brooklyn

While I appreciate the strain that military deployment puts on families, I think it's important to remember that we have an awful lot of civilians deployed to these same war zones who also have families at home. We almost never talk about them.

And, unlike those who serve in the military, many of these civilians are contractors for USAID, the State Department, the UN, and others. As contractors, they don't get health insurance or any of the other benefits that employees usually receive. Imagine how expensive treating PTSD (which can affect civilians too-- I've seen civilians crack during attacks) can be without the support of military health insurance.

Civilian deployments tend to be longer and recur more often because, unlike military personnel, once civilians are home, they are unemployed... nobody pays a civilian expert on Iraq or Afghanistan for the time they are at home. Many civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan have been on the ground there for years... 3 or 4 or 5 years straight is not uncommon.

I don't want to take away from what the military is doing, but we have decided (and military doctrine agrees) that civilian contributions are essential to the present war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan. It would be nice to talk about them a bit more.

May. 24 2010 12:19 PM

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