Streams

Satire Slam!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Submit a (no more than) 200-word piece of satirical writing below by noon on Thursday, April 23rd. We’ll choose the semi-finalists to read their essays on the air next week and then listeners will be able to vote for the contestants they think should join us in the new WNYC performance space on May 5th for the finals!

Entries should:
Make us think...
Make us feel...
Make us laugh...
Be relevant to the news... Submit your entry below, and remember to keep it to 200 words max! Deadline Looming! Only entries received by Noon on Thursday will be considered!

Comments [250]

henrylow


Having been a part of the Online Universal Work Marketing team for 4 months now, I’m thankful for my fellow team members who have patiently shown me the ropes along the way and made me feel welcome

www.onlineuniversalwork.com

Dec. 28 2009 06:38 AM
markBrown from sos-newdeal.blogspot.com

This was posted elsewhere on the wnyc site by accident.

Here is a repost... (I will find where the first version was posted, so you will agree it was posted in time:

A sonnet:

Dick Cheney, who was our country's veep
Said we gotta get 'dem guys 'dat like to torture
Decided he'd get (info from) our enemies on the cheap
It's so hot in Iraq, its a scorcher.

The best way, he'd thunk...
To avoid further slaughter
Was to give them a dunk
In a tank full of water.

Soon Dick'll see his day in court
If some guys over in Italy
Catch him in a foreign resort
Sentence him for his crimes, quite wittily.

And perhaps, his consort,W. Bush
Will also get soaked in his tush.

Apr. 23 2009 05:57 PM
christopher allen yager from park slope brooklyn


the rose gardens been pardoned now cut the carbon

Obama​ ya wanna​ fire it right​ don'​t ya
think​ twice​, thats right
Obama​'​s gonna​ set fire to our kites​
Cuz Obama​'​s quite brigh​t
Ediso​n'​s medic​ine was fine for his time
key on his high
Now let us enlig​hten who's left in line
Send a sign.​.​.​
Take on and over these white​ knigh​ts
They'​ve made a killi​ng
Write​ a bill to full fill the willi​ng
vote for him and a day lights shilling​
Up on the hill of savin​gs n' loan
Call out for all the cows to come home
Affix​ them to the missi​on
And fix our fight​s in sessi​on
So we the peopl​e may be alrig​ht
Raise​ the media​n wage
Save the aging​ of our age
Deny the right​ to abuse​ arms
and chose​ a car causi​ng less harm
Engag​e in promi​ses made
Dis side and provi​de for aids
Ride the divid​e in parad​es
O Obama​,​ come on na
Decri​minal​ize marij​uana eyes
clear​ some over head
clear​ some sky
or Credi​t the marke​t inste​ad
do somet​hing were all fed

Obama​ son
You won the world​ over
Every​ones on your shoul​ders
Stand​ tall and be bould​er

than that bush push over

Apr. 23 2009 01:05 PM
Mike Leung from Jersey City, NJ

re: my post 206 and its 244-revision: sorry, I still can't tell which one is closer to the truth than the other. Please be kind.

Apr. 23 2009 12:54 PM
Mike Leung from Jersey City, NJ

Please disregard post 244! I think I got it right the first time (damn this is all convoluted).

Apr. 23 2009 12:39 PM
Brad from Pelham, NY

Still searching around Manhattan looking for that perfect photo of girls standing at a street corner. One group with their skirts and Uggs and another with their jeans and flip-flops. Just the fashion contrast I want to encapsulate. OK what about those girls walking around midtown in a blow out rainstorm in their flip-flops? Those big puddles they are stepping in are not just water. There’s petro-chemicals in there, run off waste from the nearby fast-food joint and crap from the demolition half a block up.

Petro chemicals everywhere. There will be no green energy unless gasoline is $4.50 a gallon or more just like it has been in Europe for decades. They got their train infrastructure. Clean Coal is nothing more than the Department of Redundancy Department joke. Just like Ethanol – it costs more to make than it’s worth but some one is selling it. I realize selling mortgages to folks that can’t afford it is bad business but you can still make a commission – what the hell. But then the mortgage derivatives can be nothing more than slight of hand and trickery. Shucks they are like WMD Weapons of Mass Destruction. Poof. They are just not there.

Apr. 23 2009 12:38 PM
Mike Leung from Jersey City, NJ

[my post 206 needs revision for accuracy]

This Is Just To Say

My bet on your
bank's solvency
was staked by
your 401k

with which
you were probably
saving for retirement

Forgive me
I had a triple-A rating
sweet bailout
I'm too big to fail

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Is_Just_To_Say
personal site-plug: www.king-spot.com

Apr. 23 2009 12:30 PM
Emily Bracken

Many of us come to W-Anon, a group dedicated to helping you get over the George W. Bush years, filled with despair and hopelessness. And many of us would not have voluntarily walked through the doors if we were not in some sort of crisis or pain that forced us to seek help. Though we may not have labeled it this way, we come to W-Anon because our lives have become unmanageable -- and we come seeking relief. W-Anon's 12 Steps to Recovery (based on the tenets of Nixon Anonymous) are listed below:

1. We are not alone. Millions suffered silently along with you, though some, like Bill Maher, suffered not so silently.

2. Accept and admit to ourselves that we voted Bush into office. Twice.

3. Understand that, first and foremost, Bush is a politician. One symptom of this vocation is an uncontrollable desire for power; and the longer Bush continued to rule, his desire for power increased.

4. Being a Bush is a family disease. If one member is afflicted, then the whole family suffers.

5. Put your needs first. Because when we don't we allow the president to put his needs first--namely, going into Iraq so he could kill the man who tried to kill his father.

6. We tried to condone Bush's behavior and now are trying to make up for it or excuse it. But we know only have ourselves to blame and feel emotionally disturbed ourselves.

7. Humbly ask the world to forgive us for our shortsightedness, selfishness and isolationism.

8. Make a list of all the people (Muslims) we allowed to be detained without due process, and ask for their forgiveness.

9. Agree it's a good idea to have direct talks with the Middle East, except when to do so would be unwise.

10. Have a cultural awakening as the result of these steps, and try to carry this message to the rest of country by supporting the policies of Obama and the Democrats.

Apr. 23 2009 12:28 PM
Adrienne from Manhattan

[Resubmitting a tweaked version to fix typo and word count.)

Bo here. Listen. Ever since I got here, all I hear about is water. You’re even writing memos about it. Please! Have you forgotten that I’m a Portuguese Water Dog? Water is my middle name. Leave the water policy to me.

You’re playing some kind of game called water boarding, I guess to train humans, but they’re not having fun or behaving better. I’ve never heard of water training and I don’t know what you’re doing with boards. Are you pushing humans off of diving boards? That’s mean and scary! No wonder they don’t like it. Would you? As for me, you don’t have to push. I’ll jump right in. You can’t imagine how cooperative I can be after a dip.

Sure, some submissive types might do anything to please, but us Porties won’t play that game. We’re known for our intelligence and high-spirited nature. Apparently some humans have those qualities, too. Don’t bother trying to use water to get them to behave or punish them. Reward good behavior. Try treats.

Bottomline: There’s a global water shortage! Why waste it on humans? You’re barking up the wrong tree. All of this water talk is just killing me. It’s downright cruel.

Apr. 23 2009 12:27 PM
Peg Kennedy from Willseyville NY

We are so pleased to announce that our superior, two year-old grandson has been accepted to Call of the Wild, a prestigious private preschool for training in survival skills in the emerging post carbon society. Knowing that our grandchild will be one of the few privileged children from the city to learn skills such as marksmanship - using knives, spears and firearms - gives us a profound sense of assurance as we approach these very difficult times predicted for the earth’s near future. There will also be instruction in simple methods for filtrating and purification of drinking water, how to recognize and prepare edible weeds and other skills like trapping, butchering and cooking simple rodents such as common city rats. This type of intense curriculum makes us feel secure that our grandchild will be quite prepared and in fact more prepared than mere run of the mill children trained in carbon based skills such as reading, writing and arithmetic. We are absolutely certain that he will be more than “all he can be.”

Apr. 23 2009 12:23 PM
Christine LaBastille from New York

We weren’t quite sure what to expect upon my son’s return from Iraq. Jack had been a platoon leader, daily patrolling in a dangerous area of Baghdad.

We were pleased when he quickly found an apartment, acquired furnishings, and bought a car. Jack had grown up!

And then…he came home to visit us. One simple request, asking Jack to clean out some twenty-odd years of belongings, proved to be his undoing. A remote-controlled car missing a wheel? Still had life in it. Plastic dinosaurs in various states of mutilation? A neighbor kid might want them. A book with crayoned, ripped pages? This was a childhood treasure!

This continued for a week. Finally, my husband jokingly said “Jack, this is a direct order. Throw out some of that stuff!” And to our surprise, Jack did exactly that. Half-completed coloring books, mangled stuffed toys, and blurry VHS tapes started piling up in the garbage can. Stained, button-deficient clothing joined alongside.

This was the new way to communicate! It was tempting to consider what else could be accomplished now that we’d found the secret. “Jack, find a nice girl and get married! And produce grandchildren for us!” “Call home weekly and let us know what you’re up to!” THESE ARE DIRECT ORDERS!

How far can we go with this? We’ll let you know…

Apr. 23 2009 12:21 PM
Gustav Rech from manhattan

Congressman John Boehner, the Ohio Republican, in a press conference today, followed up his criticism of the EPA’s ruling on carbon dioxide by noting that much of “so-called global warming” was due to humans breathing, and called for Americans to hold their breathes for one day a week. “This will cut emissions by a lot and save jobs here in America.” He then proceeded to hold his breathe, ignoring questions from the media. Prior to passing out, Rep. Boehner had revealed the Republican’s new budget proposal to eliminate the budget deficit by holding up a Post-It note with 2 zeroes on it. When questioned as to the specifics, Mr. Boehner stated that the first zero represented taxes (“Heck, no one has jobs anyway”) and the second zero represented government spending. “It’s that simple. Maybe too simple for all those liberals to understand.”, he said. A reporter that pointed out that this did not take into account Mr. Boehner’s salary was answered by Mr. Boehner stating “Well maybe we’ll run a deficit of a couple hundred thousand but it’s a lot better than what the Democrats have put on the table.”

Apr. 23 2009 12:20 PM
Peg Kennedy from Willseyville NY

We are so pleased to announce that our superior, two year-old grandson has been accepted to "Call of the Wild," a prestigious private preschool for training in survival skills in the emerging post carbon society. Knowing that our grandchild will be one of the few privileged children from the city to learn skills such as marksmanship - using knives, spears and firearms - gives us a profound sense of assurance as we approach these very difficult times predicted for the earth’s near future. There will also be instruction in simple methods for filtrating and purification of drinking water, how to recognize and prepare edible weeds and other skills like trapping, butchering and cooking simple rodents such as common city rats. This type of intense curriculum makes us feel secure that our grandchild will be quite prepared and in fact more prepared than mere run of the mill children trained in carbon based skills such as reading, writing and arithmetic. We are absolutely certain that he will be more than “all he can be.”

Apr. 23 2009 12:18 PM
Jay Dobkin from Manhattan

THE NEWS FROM NANTUCKET: TODAY'S NEWS IN LIMERICKS
April 23, 2009

ANTI-MARRIAGE CONSERVATIVES OUTRAGED AS RIGHT TO WED SPREADS

Right wing bigots say "we never saw
That opposing gay rights was a flaw
We''ve recycled the same
Rationale used to name
Segregation as God's Holy Law"

REPUBLICANS BLAME ECONOMY ON OBAMA, SAYING ALL WOULD BE OK IF ONLY McCAIN WERE PRESIDENT

My friends, had I won, it is clear
That today you'd have nothing to fear
And middle-class plumbers
Could still afford Hummers
On less than 5 million a year

MAY 1 TO MARK SIX YEARS SINCE "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED IN IRAQ"

Sadaam and his fellow abusers
Have been caught and have faced their accusers
Because after the war
What the trial was for
Was to punish all crimes (of the losers)

OBAMA PROPS UP FAILING SYSTEM OF PREDATORY CAPITALISM BY BAILING OUT BILLIONAIRE MULTINATIONALS WITH TAXPAYER DOLLARS

His name gives his foes reservations
They fear he'll betray western nations
But the facts on the ground
Prove their theories unsound
For like Bush, he serves corporations

Apr. 23 2009 12:14 PM
Adrienne from Manhattan

Bo, here. Listen up. Ever since I got here, all I hear about is water. You’re even writing memos about it. Please! Have you forgotten that I’m a Portuguese Water Dog? Water is my middle name. Leave the water policy to me.

You’re playing some kind of game called water boarding, I guess to train humans, but they’re not having fun or behaving better. I’ve never heard of water training and I don’t know what you’re doing with the boards. Are you pushing humans off of diving boards? That’s mean and scary! No wonder they don’t like it. Would you? As for me, you don’t have to push. I’ll jump right in. You can’t imagine how cooperative I can be after a dip.

Sure, some submissive types might do anything to please, but us Porties won’t play that game. We’re known for our intelligence and high-spirited nature. Apparently some humans have those qualities, too. Don’t bother trying to use water to get them behave or punish them. Reward good behavior. Try treats.

Bottomline: There’s a water shortage! Why waste water on humans? You’re barking up the wrong tree. All of this talk about water is killing me. Now that’s cruel.

Apr. 23 2009 12:09 PM
Aaron and Zack Friedman from New York, NY


Despite the fledgling economy’s damage to Social Security and the Arts, here's octogenerian rapper, J-Grizzle Goldstein:

I'm gonna school y'all- class is in session
My old ass lived through the Great Depression.

I love Beyonce – with her sexy curls
But I also like Blanche from The Golden Girls.

I'm a badass grandpa and I'm on health care,
If you like Metamucil wave your cane in the air.

My hearing is bad, my testicles sag.
I’d trade my .45 for a colostomy bag.

I like Jay-Z and half-sour pickles
For your birthday I'll give you a handful of nickels.

[In my day a nickel was a lot of money.]

I like my bitches down and dirty,
I like my dinner at about four-thirty.

Prune juice- damn! That's some mighty fine stuff.
I complain cause me kids don't call me enough.

I like to get jiggy, have a warm cup of tea
I don't like The Girl 'cause she steals from me

I can still bust a rhyme, even though I'm old
I got false teeth, but they're all gold.

Pop a cap in my ass if you think you’re a sniper
That bullet’s gotta get through my adult diaper

Word!

Apr. 23 2009 12:04 PM
Quinn Raymond from East Village

THIS I BELIEVE

Call me crazy, but I believe that these tea-bagging parties are just a guerrilla marketing campaign sponsored by Lipton.

I believe that given current events, Pittsburgh should probably rename its baseball team.

I believe that if given the choice, I would rather have mass transit than new stadiums.

I believe that when you die, and your are at the pearly gates, St Peter pulls up a list of all the comments you posted on various blogs. I'm looking at you, "Babyhitler17".

I believe that if a lowly billionaire can work his way up to become the mayor of the greatest city in the world, then truly anything is possible.

I believe that if we're ever going to get to the bottom of the torture scandal, we're going to need to take Cheney into a room and torture him. Daily Show reruns perhaps?

I believe that Bobby Jindal is the future of the Republican party. Literally I believe he is from the future, and part of a complex plot to convince the government to stop monitoring volcanoes.

Finally, I believe that Satire Slams should have a wrestling component.

This I believe.

Apr. 23 2009 12:03 PM
dg

Finally a Miss California with balls. For her to proudly stammer through her dodgy answer concerning same sex marriage took something you just don’t see much anymore from today’s beauty competitors; a little something called guts! Ever heard of it America? Miss California, representing historically one of our glorious union’s gayer states, has the guts to live, not politically correct, but, biblically correct. And, being a woman of her convictions, I was so pleased to hear her follow through to now live biblically correct. Now, I know to be biblically correct she should “technically, be publicly stoned to death for speaking her mind especially without first consulting a man. I remember as a young boy hearing the old bible yarn about a woman speaking her mind on a stage in a white string bikini – it brings a tear to my eye, the one that wasn’t gouged out for coveting my neighbor’s wife to listen to this woman give a smack down to Perez Hilton. I can’t believe the Hilton hotel chain would allow him to speak on their behalf but I guess Paris’ brother can do whatever he wants and the liberal media will just bend over for him.

Apr. 23 2009 12:02 PM
Jacob G. from Queens

“Interrogation” Reports Released

Case No. 4689 – Former VP Dick Cheney v. Room Full of People Who Kind of Look Like They Have, At the Very Least, Thought About Al Qaeda.

Notes:

VP Dick Cheney was walking back from Chik-Fil-A (VP Cheney was very amused by the “Eat Mor Chikin” Cow posters) when he saw several young men with beards and Che Guavara shirts on, sitting on benches. Some were listening to iPods (probably a loop of a person screaming).

VP Cheney spoke into his wrist and said “Hey, C.I.A., I need you to do a sweep of the mall lawn. I’ve got some interrogatin’ to do.” He then laughed for about seven minutes and was then told by his security detail that he did not have a microphone or any kind of wireless device in his shirtsleeve, so he was talking to no one.

Cheney then took the matter into his own hands and caught all the “suspects” in a large net he was carrying in his briefcase (Note: it was the ONLY thing in his briefcase).

Cheney then took the suspects to a Super 8 motel and tried the following methods of “interrogation”:

-Singing Patsy Cline off-key
-Milkboarding (same as waterboarding, just with milk)
-Grimacing at them for an hour
-Dancing shirtless and yelling
-Reading them his manuscript “Oversteppin’ My Boundaries” (This worked)

Apr. 23 2009 11:58 AM
VKK from Bridgewater, NJ

Op-Ed: Keep the Open Seas Open

Soon they'll want to regulate outer space or the moon - the open seas are the ultimate free market. Regulation will kill competition on the open seas - one person's pirate is another person's entrepreneur.

"Ever since the blip with the housing market, every one is jumping on the regulation bandwagon", says Dr. Paul Ronson of the Open Seas Liberty Council, an advocacy group for maritime entrepreneurs. "Are you going to regulate the moon next and criminalize taking rock samples - whose moon is it anyway?"

Don't stifle market forces on the open seas - allow the free market to innovate. Let shipbuilders build faster ships and allow innovation of deterrence technologies that will benefit the world.

Apr. 23 2009 11:58 AM
Andrea Clark from New York, NY

2010

United States of Pzifer Presiident Jeffrey Kinship announced today that Exxon Mobil Bank will play a key role in his plan for Health Care reform. President Kinship gave a press conference from his home, the former state of Rhode Island. After a brisk game of fetch on his 400-mile beachfront with his trusty dog Celebrex, President Kinship said, "Seventy-five per cent of Americans are in foreclosure and can't afford medical coverage. Today, Exxon Mobil Bank has courageously offered to take title to the homes of those in trouble and, together with GlaxoSmithKline Investing, sell them to developers. Each homeowner will receive a hefty .05% of the net profit from the sale of their home to put towards health insurance. If that doesn't cover the entire premium, HMOs will now take credit cards." Joining the effort, credit card companies have agreed to the President's request not to raise finance charges above 29.99%, in exchange for Hawaii.

Switching topics, he reported there was no trace of the Obama and Biden families, as well as other key Democratic legislators. "However, I assure you it has nothing to do with their harsh views about prosecuting those implicated in the Bush torture memos."

Apr. 23 2009 11:57 AM
Neil from Astoria, Queens

MY MILLION TREES

More damn work to do. What right does the Mayor have to plant two dozen of his million trees down my street? "Do we have to water them ourselves?" my neighbor asked. Yup, sure do. Be a citizen! Take up the mantle! Waste your time! Your task (should you choose to accept it) is to make sure our new arboreal babies are fed and watered. Great, another mouth to feed. Or roots to moisten.

God bless the Home Depot for my new $5 watering can investment. This way I can help out the Chinese economy too!

Then I just had to buy more flowers to embed next to the freshly planted new trees. A bonus chore. More civic responsibility. I'll probably be away when they bloom in the summer too. Assuming my nemesis - the vindictive squirrel - doesn't get to them first.

If it hadn't been for GreeNYC then I'd be far more content watching the birds and the bees (and the leaves) on my widescreen. Surely that's more healthy?

Who asked for these new trees anyway? Ah yes, I did.

Apr. 23 2009 11:56 AM
Kelvin Domovs from Morris Plains, NJ

For years we've enjoyed lnternational peace,

[Doubletalk sung or spoken sanctimoniously:]
Lilliburlero bullen ala,

Since we elected the Godfather World Chief of Police.

Lilliburlero bullen ala.

You must make a great sacrifice to gain great success,
So sacrifice honesty: Don't sacrifice less!

We of true faith really welcome our fight,
Since we truly believe only right can make might.

So winning the fight is the proof in our sight,
That since we have the might, we must be right.

[passionately sung or orated:]
Lero lero lilliburlero, lilliburleo bullen ala;
Lero, lero; lero lero; liliburlero bullen ala!

Apr. 23 2009 11:56 AM
John Krigger from Helena, Montana

The Micronuke® packs 25 kilowatts of clean electric power in a sturdy dayglow plastic container no bigger than a carry-on. Compare our reliable compact power source with large ugly solar electric collectors producing a few meager kilowatts of intermittent electricity.

DOE has tested the Micronuke and declared it “cost-effective renewable energy”, qualifying the Micronuke for stimulus funding. GM’s famous quality-and-cost accounting ensure that the Micronuke will cost no more than $50,000.

GM is producing Micronukes in distressed car plants located in urban-enterprise zones. Timothy Geitner has funded this renewable energy project with two-billion dollars of Bailout Funds. The Micronuke® will soon be a featured sustainable-energy resource for LEED and Energy Star buildings.

Secretary of State Clinton has insisted that we share this emerging technology with Mexico in order to stimulate Mexican workers with human-scale nuclear power. The Mexican government is re-opening some recently closed machiladora border plants to assemble the reactor cores for shipment north.

GM seeks qualified investors for their Micronuke® Project, which promises huge profits. Call GM today to find out if you qualify to invest in the screaming green technology of the future.

Apr. 23 2009 11:54 AM
Gennady from woodhaven

I would like to petition U. S. Congress for a bail-out loan, which would help to prevent the collapse of me as a result of the current crisis.
I would like Congress to consider the effects my collapse would have on the economy and the universe in general: the decline of housing demand, consumer purchasing power, number of good people per sqr mile, good deeds per hr etc. etc., as well as the depression my roommate’s cat would suffer if I stop playing with him.
Should Congress wish me to make my plea in person, I would convey myself to their presence in a humble and environmentally-friendly way on a bike or a skateboard, not on a private jet to rub it in to hard-working public servants and leave a trail of green gases for hundreds of miles.
In view of the pattern of reckless spending and broken promises that marks my life, esteemed congressmen may doubt the seriousness of my intentions. To these critics I have only one simple argument: my very, very, very honest word, as good as that of any CEO or CFO. Please bail me out. I’ll be good. Honest.
P. S. Bail-out or not, please don’t get me fired like you did my fellow petitioner Rick Wagoner of General Motors. I bet he wishes now he went to Washington on a skateboard.

Apr. 23 2009 11:54 AM
Charles from Brooklyn

The repeal of term limits is the best thing to happen to this city since the advent of New York style pizza. Just as we all know the disappointing feeling of biting into a bread like substitute, we can now rejoice again in perfection: we have finally found perfect government officials. To be honest, I did not think this was possible. I am happy to be proven wrong like a Boston pizza. It just comes to show that nothing is impossible; nothing! Except, of course, making a more perfect New York pizza. I don't know about you, but I am thankful New York's unique democratic experience is finally over. We have found our perfect pizza; and therefore no need to change the formula. We've done it, and I don't know about you, but I'll take three slices, please.

Apr. 23 2009 11:53 AM
Joris Stuyck from Inwood, New York City

Rich Is the New Poor

People used to avoid poor neighborhoods because they were afraid of getting fleeced. Now it’s the rich you have to watch out for. Forget about,“Hey, buddy, can you spare some change?” With them it’s, “Hey, buddy, can you spare 90% of your 401(k)?” Doesn’t anyone ever teach them right from wrong? Every time you turn on the TV there’s another rich guy in a suit and handcuffs hiding his face from the cameras. Plus they stink up the place with their private jets and their yachts and their eight-mile-a-gallon limos. I say round them all up and send them to reform school (the ones who aren’t already in prison, that is) and teach them some lower-class manners. Maybe then the rest of us wouldn’t have to keep our hands on our wallets every time we walk by a gated community.

Apr. 23 2009 11:53 AM
Kenneth McPherson from Bloomfield NJ

In an ironic turn of events, Pfizer Incorporated makers of “Viagra”, turned in less than projected numbers for this quarter and were forced to apply for a piece of the “Stimulus Package”. For the makers of the wonder drug that has arguably single handedly reinvented the sex lives of thousands of males, and left hundreds of “cabana boys” seeking new employment this quarters returns came as a bit of a surprise.

“We are the Stimulus and the Package!”, remarked an unknown source representing Pfizer.

Congress is made up of 443 males most of which are chronologically in the demographic that Pfizer targets. This bill request should be met with little opposition.

“Pfizer’s request needs immediate action to be taken, like by 9:00pm of this Friday” –Steny Hoyer (D-MD)

Pfizer’s CEO Jeff Kindler arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday to a heroes welcome. As he walked down the aisle to sit before congress Mike Doyle of California and Jeb Hensarling of Texas raised Kindler onto their shoulders and carried him to his seat, where Ron Kind of Wisconsin and Kendrick Meek of Florida soon doused him with a container of Gatorade.

Apr. 23 2009 11:53 AM
Sue from West Village

The following was sung by the Cupcake Cadet Corps as part of a performance event, Unison Fetish, that I produced last spring and fall in the West Village park opposite the Magnolia Bakery.

God Bless Magnolia
(with apologies to Irving Berlin)

God bless Magnolia
Cupcakes we love
Stand in line here
For a time here
Buy a treat Carrie Bradshaw would love.
Bless Ralph Lauren
And Marc Jacob
All the global luxury brands!
God bless Magnolia
Temptations so sweet...
God bless Magnolia
And the New Bleecker Street!

God bless the West Village
Boutiques galore
Trendy clothes to wear
Watch celebrities there
Never think of the Middle East war.
Shop at Intermix
Shop at Tommy
Coach and juicy, Juicy Couture!
God bless the West Village
Upscale shopping delight
God bless the West Village
Upscale shoppers unite!

God bless the tourists
Euros and yen
Foreign money to spend
U.S. economy mends
They bring one suitcase
But leave with two.
Standing lost on Village corners
Does West 4th Street cross West 10th?
God bless the tourists
They flock to our shores
God bless the tourists
Please shop at our stores!

If selected, God Bless Magnolia will be performed by members of the Cupcake Cadet Corps in full dress uniform.
Thank you!
Sue in the West Village

Apr. 23 2009 11:47 AM
Jorge Pataki from White Plains

I was so happy when Obama won. “Thank god,” I said, “finally.” I know he’s a true progressive even though his talking points would worry me once in a while. To all my friends I plead for you not to focus on his language about the military, or commitment to the war on drugs, and not holding government officials accountable for war crimes because remember he’s one of us. He will always do the right thing. We are together behind him and moving forward after all considering he is, well, you know, and talks like, well, you know. Of course we are not racist country, and he will never call us that. And the bank laws that got us in the position of having to hear only about the economy every day on every page of every paper still in publication, don’t worry if Obama is reluctant to change those bankruptcy laws back. He will get us through. My credit card company has been calling me, and I know they are worried about my welfare, like my government. To pay off my debt they even offered me a job picking organic food, cotton, and tobacco on plantations run by Mastercard.

Apr. 23 2009 11:47 AM
Roberrt D.Meenen from paterson, New Jersey

FOOLISHNESS

c 2001, Robert D. Meenen, all rights reserved
_____________________________________________________________
How foolish to donate funds to the poor,

They waste or lose what is left at the door,

Unhealthy, by disease are certain to fall

Share gifts with friends more irresponsible

Send you no thankful reply by return mail,

Come again only upon a renewed travail.

How foolish for poor girls to eagerly give birth,

Unaware enough people now populate the earth?

A child is a treasure, a vital bit of life,

Reward for a husband, fulfillment for a wife

Important for grandparents and all relations,

But irresponsible girls bear young in isolation.

How foolish to educate that vagrant unworthy,

No skills are learned by a mind so unsteady,

Such youth are all but thieves and liars,

Upon puberty, become prostitutes, connivers;

Perhaps Military, to gain our glory at war,

If lost, missing, then, but a name on a wall.

How foolish to give free care to the sick,

Promote a new complaint from each goldbrick,

Testing and checking each withered little girl

To know the malady, be it feigned or real;

Rather a punishment, a penalty or to Jail,

Will better accomplish the remedy and heal.

Apr. 23 2009 11:46 AM
Rachel Abrams from New York, NY

As a graduating senior without skills or experience, I'd like to say one thing to all the pundits who've whipped every potential employer into a frenzy: thanks, guys! Like we're all not FREAKED OUT enough!
Stop YELLING at me, Wolf Blitzer; I know it's going to be hard! We're all considering failing our basic math requirements now so we can be "stuck" in school for longer, far away from CareerBuilder and the rest of the bright lights. Our options are limited to teaching English in Korea or dancing on the subway for nickels -- not dimes, you'd be lucky to have a job at all, and high salaries are for the Experienced Employees.
What we students need is a national day of silence about all of the financial trouble. Just one, I promise; we won't ask for anything else after that. Except maybe a job. But even without experience we're industrious and charmingly optimistic -- despite everything, we'll network in the breadlines and knit welfare checks out of hemp. But listen, if all you talking heads could just chill out a bit so Citibank and/or my dad might consider giving me a loan, that would be... awesome.

Apr. 23 2009 11:44 AM
Jim O'Grady from Brooklyn

PENNILESS PIRATE NOT THAT BUMMED TO GET FREE PLANE RIDE TO NEW YORK

Soterios Johnson: Abduhl Wali-i-Musi, you are charged with large crimes. Why the smile?

Abduhl Wali-i-Musi: You know where I’m from, right?

SJ: A goat-herding region of Central Somalia.

AW-i-M: Three months ago, I’m brushing my teeth with a stick. Now I’m breathing the same air as Adam Yauch and the Olsen Twins.

SJ: You’re not homesick?

AW-i-M: Not so much. Not a lot of alt-comedy in Central Somalia, or indie rock, which I’m into.

SJ: I saw Calexico at Coachella.

AW-i-M: Oh yeah, rub it in. You know my situation?

SJ: Grim. They convict you on piracy, you’re looking at years in jail.

AW-i-M: Could be worse. They could’ve caught me with a dime bag outside a nightclub. Your Rockefeller Drug Laws make sharia look like the guidelines at a Park Slope Montessori School.

SJ: Good one!

[They high-five.]

AW-i-M: I became a pirate to get some money for my family. That’s my defense. Plus the whole “swashbuckling anti-hero” thing.

SJ: That would be catnip to a Bronx jury.

AW-i-M: Right? By the way, what kind of name is Soterios?

SJ: You should talk.

AW-i-M: Fair.

Apr. 23 2009 11:42 AM
Sara Barron from Brooklyn, New York

While the rest of you bemoan the slumped economy, I’ve adjusted, no problem. I’m resourceful that way. I embrace the recession! I’ve gotten rid of my cable, and so started tearing through Hulu instead. I canceled my gym membership and have been running outside and doing bicep curls with cans of refried beans as an alternative. Also, I’ve canceled my on-line dating account. I’m holding onto that eighty bucks the renewed membership would’ve cost me and turning to Facebook instead. It’s great! So many men, so little time! And the best part is, I know all of them from high school. And college! Of course, when I originally decided to move to New York, it was in part because I cared to expand my social circles, but so what? I’ve got two dates next week, one with a quasi-stoner from Freshman P.E. who used to speak only in quotes from “The Outsiders,” -- “Stay gold, ponyboy!” – and another with a guy from Hebrew school who’s since started his own business. It’s this Boerum Hill sushi joint where all the maki rolls contain lox and cream cheese! Life sure feels full of possibility.

Apr. 23 2009 11:40 AM
Chris Keating from Brooklyn NY

Quarterly Report
All things considered, we feel that a 3% decline is not a reason to hang our heads in dismay. Our market share remains strong, and we are well positioned to make headway in the coming quarter.
Highlights:
*Procter & Gamble renewed their contract, at an expanded rate.
*Our new Platinum Elite service completed beta testing. Post-beta testing is targeted for February, with gamma testing tentatively scheduled for August.
*The emergency alarm system has been repaired, and will no longer blurt vicious expletives at random.
*An elk got loose in the building again — kudos to the IT guys for trapping it the large conference room before it did much damage.
*Our Toronto affiliate is still buried under several feet of ice and snow, a situation we are hoping to resolve soon. Assuming a few of them are still alive, their figures will be included in our full-year results.
If anyone in the Toronto office is reading this: We wish you well.
This is also an excellent opportunity to address the growing rumor that there is something mysterious buried underneath the premises of our main headquarters. These rumors are unfounded, bordering on silly. There is not a dark entity imprisoned beneath the office. Should anyone discover that there is, please submit a ticket to the help desk.

Apr. 23 2009 11:39 AM
Silvia Hines from New Haven

A Glitch in Time

I disembark from the first time machine of the millennium into the glory of ancient Egypt, where I’ve been dispatched to mediate the dispute between Egypt and Israel. I quickly explain my credentials: my MSW with advanced studies in conflict resolution and dialogue. Both sides look skeptical, so I throw in my love of falafel. They appear distressed so, anticipating that Moses is readying to walk out (God willing), I access my empathy skills: “What I think you’re feeling, Moses, is that you must have your freedom. And Pharaoh, I intuit you like things the way they are.” I acknowledge Pharaoh’s reluctance to embrace change and suggest a role reversal exercise. They seem confused, so I explain I am a cultural relativist; I cast an admiring glance at a wall panel of hieroglyphs, adding I think I’ve seen it at the Met. They stare into the distance, so I tell of a future at stake: flying machines slicing into buildings higher than the Pyramids in a country not yet discovered. They gesture wildly. I comb through my clinical skills until I realize the truth: I have forgotten to bring an interpreter.

Apr. 23 2009 11:38 AM
R.K. Scher from Lower East Side, NYC

From the novel, THE PERMANENT OBSERVER, by R.K. Scher

“In reply to Israel’s statement on the Protection of Children in Armed Conflict, the Representative of Palestine said that the use of child suicide bombers was justified by the special noise originating from Israeli children, together with the immoderate use of candies...” The Ambassador paused in his dictation, and took a long pull on his pipe. My typing did not flag. I always removed lines like these later, when I was correcting his English.
His next words issued from a cloud of smoke, “Stop typing for one moment and listen. Why are they worried about child soldiers and protecting children? Children are so easy to produce. But 62 years of maturity for a person like me. That is who needs protection.”
I didn’t laugh. I barely smiled. I tried not to breathe. This is my job and this is how I keep it... I react to my boss’s comments only in the most extreme circumstances. I am the only person in America still working in second-hand smoke. I am Secretary to H.E. Count Raimundo de Fluvia y Zacosta, Ambassador and Permanent Observer of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta to the United Nations. H.E. for His Excellency, HE my shorthand for Him.

Apr. 23 2009 11:37 AM
Jim O'Grady from Brooklyn

PENNILESS PIRATE NOT THAT BUMMED TO GET FREE PLANE RIDE TO NEW YORK

Soterios Johnson: Abduhl Wali-i-Musi, you are charged with large crimes. Why the smile?

Abduhl Wali-i-Musi: You know where I’m from, right?

SJ: A goat-herding region of Central Somalia.

AW-i-M: Three months ago, I’m brushing my teeth with a stick. Now I’m breathing the same air as Adam Yauch and the Olsen Twins.

SJ: You’re not homesick?

AW-i-M: Not so much. Not a lot of alt-comedy in Central Somalia, or indie rock, which I’m into.

SJ: I saw Calexico at Coachella.

AW-i-M: Oh yeah, rub it in. You know my situation?

SJ: Grim. They convict you on piracy, you’re looking at years in jail.

AW-i-M: Could be worse. They could’ve caught me with a dime bag outside a nightclub. Your Rockefeller Drug Laws make sharia look like the guidelines at a Park Slope Montessori School.

SJ: Good one!

[They high-five.]

AW-i-M: I became a pirate to get some money for my family. That’s my defense. Plus the whole “swashbuckling anti-hero” thing.

SJ: That would be catnip to a Bronx jury.

AW-i-M: Right? By the way, what kind of name is Soterios?

SJ: You should talk.

AW-i-M: Fair.

Apr. 23 2009 11:37 AM
Dan Kilian from Sunnyside/Chelsea

Environmental Anniversary Proposal: “Day-After-Earthday.”

As “Fat Tuesday” provides a feast before Lent, “Day-After-Earthday” will provide a much-needed binge of environmentally hazardous behavior after Earthday. The environmentally minded will make a pilgrimage in SUVs (one to a car, please) tossing a stream of litter on the highways as they make their way to the beach, where they shall hunt dolphins, bludgeoning them to death with empty plastic water bottles that they do not refill.

After that it’s time to shop at the mall (Don’t forget to get a plastic bag for that purchase!) and have dinner at the drive through parking lot with the motor running. Then a typical Day-After-Earthday Celebrant might wind down the night reading a good book by a non-fluorescent light bulb. Just before bed, the new tradition will be to kill a panda.

Indulging in this way will be crucial to the Green Movement. For how will people ever become environmentally conscious if they aren’t plagued by monstrous guilt? Of course, there is the chance that people will acquire a taste for this destructive behavior, and therefore doom our planet. That’s okay too. Because if our appetites destroy our world, EVERY day will be Day-After-Earth Day!

Apr. 23 2009 11:36 AM
Carol Scudder from Brooklyn

Power of Prayer
A short play by: Ann O. Nimus

Dear Lord-God-Our-Father in Heaven,
I know you’re busy. You must be busy, considering the state of things.
Sorry. I don’t mean to complain, but … what happened?
Have mercy on me Father. For who am I to question thee?
But gosh. The president is a Muslim Terrorist, who’s probably at this very minute performing abortions and stem cell research IN THE WHITE HOUSE! The Gays are getting married! And Socialism?!
Soon we’ll be French. I can’t eat that bread Father … it is so chewy.
I cling to my faith and hope that soon all will be revealed. Then again, I know “God helps those who help themselves”.
Huh. Wait a minute. Are you telling me to help myself to one of my husband’s semi’s and pop one into those smug liberals I see down at the Shop-A-Day, asking for “organic this” and “polenta that”? That’s what the communists eat. I know that. I wasn’t born yesterday.
If that wasn’t your wish, then why would I have thought of it, right here in the middle of my prayer? If I’m right, send me a sign.
(doorbell rings)
“I’ll get it!!!!”

Apr. 23 2009 11:36 AM
Roberto Wong from NYC

Dick Cheney is a hero. He assassinates terrorist, use interrogation techniques that crosses the line, and has a willingness to break the rules to protect the country. Sounds exactly like the things Jack Bauer does every week on 24.

It also describes what James Bond does in all his movies. Just imagine Dick Cheney looking all suave in a tuxedo with a martini in his hand, shaken not stirred of course, seducing Pussy Galore.

Wouldn’t it be something if it turns out his personal assassination squad was a trio of femmes fatales. That would make him Charlie from Charlie’s Angels.

Now the media is saying that some of Cheney’s policies were wrong and that he crossed the line. I think we should all cut him some slack since all he was trying to do was protect our country the best he could, just like Jack Nicholson’s character Col. Jessup in A Few Good Men.

Apr. 23 2009 11:33 AM
Tom Nevin from Brooklyn

Breaking news. A joint a task force from the Departments of Treasury, Trade and the S.E.C. announced another bailout to combat a new national financial disaster. Government statistics noted a tremendous decline in revenues of fashion designers, champagne importers, luxury goods manufacturers and salons. The I.M.F tied this to slow business for large hotel chains. Therefore, our government decided it has no choice but to bail out Paris Hilton.

“She’s too big to fail,” said Naomi Bergman of the Department of Weights and Measures. There are two dozen construction contractors currently expanding her shoe closet. “If she declares bankruptcy, they would have to scrape out a living on public works projects.”

“What about my bailout?” asked steel worker, James Sawyer. “Maybe I want to go to a salon or two.”

Richard Fellini from Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms defended the government intervention. “Giving money to ordinary Americans would mean they’d just pay down debts or prevent home foreclosure. When Paris Hilton goes on a shopping spree, the entire American Economy benefits.”

Asked to comment, Miss Hilton replied, “I’m going to cut back a little, but I’m contractually obligated to pay bonuses to my publicist, my nutritionist and my astrologer. Thanks America.”

Apr. 23 2009 11:33 AM
John from New York, New York

Ann Coulter Huggy Doll Hits Stores

GODLESS CITY, NY -- Stores in New York City were packed today as the Ann Coulter Huggy Doll went on sale. The doll has been greatly anticipated, as it is rumored to offer a glimpse into Coulter's "softer side."

"Ann just really needs a hug, but don't squeeze too tightly! She just might call you a worthless piece of loser!" said a spokesman for Blasbro, Inc., the company releasing the doll.

“The doll also comes with a plush belt of faux dynamite in a vibrant red velour,” said spokesman, “Oh, and guns, too. Lots of soft, cuddly guns, all in a shade of pink that lends a feminine touch."

The doll has already been disemboweled in streets of the city by liberals and conservatives alike.

"She's all warm and fuzzy on the inside," said one, as he kicked stuffing from the doll, whose remains littered the street. "It's nothing like what you see on TV," he added.

Some are even burning the doll in effigy. "After countless makeovers and dye jobs, Ann Coulter's finally hot," said one customer, who seemed eerily pleased with his purchase.

The doll itself also speaks, and it delivers classic Coulter lines, such as "Liberals are driven by Satan and lie constantly," and everyone's favorite, "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

All proceeds for the sale of the doll go to the Ann Coulter Foundation, which benefits Ann Coulter.

reported in jest by John Eischeid

Apr. 23 2009 11:31 AM
Samuel Feldman from NYC

BREATHLESS DAY April 20, 2009: President Obama announced today that in order to reduce greenhouse gases he is asking all Americans to observe April 22, Earth Day as "Breathless Tuesday" by not exhaling. When we exhale we emit carbon dioxide which contributes to global warming. If the results of this day prove successful, the President will ask Congress to pass legislation permanently banning human exhalation. He admits he will have a difficult time convincing other nations--especially China, India, Russia and Belize. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was unable to answer the question as to how the President will deal with animal compliance. He said that the President will appoint "First Puppy" Bo to chair a presidential commission on animal compliance.Reaction on Capital Hill was swift. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she was thrilled with the idea. She named several members of Congress whom she would like to see stop breathing. Republican Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania , who is facing a primary challenge form the right said that he was uncertain if he wold vote for or against the proposal. In a rare show of agreement, both FOX NEWS and MSNBC, fearing a reduction in viewers, editorialized against the plan.

Apr. 23 2009 11:26 AM
Mike Leung from Jersey City, NJ

This Is Just To Say

My bet on your
loan default
was staked by
your 401k

with which
you were probably
saving for retirement

Forgive me
I have a triple-A rating
sweet bailout
I'm too big to fail

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Is_Just_To_Say
personal site-plug: www.king-spot.com

Apr. 23 2009 11:25 AM
Dan Kilian from Sunnyside/Chelsea

Environmental Anniversary Proposal: “Day-After-Earthday.”

As “Fat Tuesday” provides a feast before Lent, “Day-After-Earthday” will provide a much-needed binge of environmentally hazardous behavior after Earthday. The environmentally minded will make a pilgrimage in SUVs (one to a car, please) tossing a stream of litter on the highways as they make their way to the beach, where they shall hunt dolphins, bludgeoning them to death with empty plastic water bottles that they will not refill.

After that it’s time to shop at the mall (Don’t forget to get a plastic bag for that purchase!) and have dinner at the drive through parking lot with the motor running. Then a typical Day-After-Earthday Celebrant might wind down the night reading a good book by a non-fluorescent light bulb. Just before bed, the new tradition will be to kill a panda.

Indulging in this way will be crucial to the Green Movement. For how will people ever become environmentally conscious if they aren’t plagued by monstrous guilt? Of course, there is the chance that people will acquire a taste for this destructive behavior, and therefore doom our planet. That’s okay too. Because if our appetites destroy our world, EVERY day will be Day-After-Earth Day!

Apr. 23 2009 11:25 AM
Shari Garretson from South River, New Jersey

New Sport Launched

Several U.S. mortgage and investment firms, wishing to do their part to mitigate the financial crisis, put their best minds to work on it and concluded that the fundamental source of the country’s economic woes is not, as popularly believed, shaky mortgage lending practices and reckless investing, but rather the increased longevity of the general population, which is draining the health care system as well as government programs like Medicare, Social Security and unemployment insurance.

They’ve found a solution that not only meets the problem head-on, but will also provide a new source of popular entertainment (and jobs!). They call it “luge-thanasia.”

Once a quarter, anyone old enough to qualify for Medicare will be strapped to a bobsled and released onto an elevated track headed downward at an incline approximating that of the last fall’s stock market plunge, ending at the edge of a cliff overlooking an abandoned open pit mine. Participants will briefly experience the glory of flight before meeting a mercifully quick demise. Bulldozers will be standing by.

The best part is the low cost: The whole nationwide event can be underwritten for the equivalent of one AIG bonus!

Organizers are currently seeking a sponsor.

Apr. 23 2009 11:25 AM
Ruth from Manhattan

Welcome to the first meeting of VOPGP, Very Open Parents of Gay Pets. Hi ...you look lost! Oh, the Alternative Breeding meeting is down the hall…in K-9 KIDDING!it's 3A!

I was asked to start this group when Missy and Rachel had puppies. Yes, Missy IS called Missy after Melissa Etheridge, and like Melissa, she was totally fine with her Rachel's puppies being fathered by Karl, who's, like, the David Crosby of his breed! He's blonde, too.

While searching for a meeting topic, someone suggested "Will my pet ever stop being gay?" The person who suggested that - a person who happens to be my mother- is a person who just does not get the point!

The point is "acceptance". So that's the topic for today. In fact, it's not a topic. It's the whole thing!

Acceptance. Everybody loves a 6-toed cat or a 2 legged dog on a cart! Nobody likes to see a dog hurt in a movie. If we demand acceptance here in the pet world, maybe the people world will stop the hurting, too!

Love is love, no matter what stripe….or spot …it comes in.
Thank you all. Snausages and coffee in the back.

Apr. 23 2009 11:24 AM
suzan heller from work

Here is a limerick on abortion

The concept of abortion is so easy.
Done legally in the hospital, not sleazy.
Just open your legs
Let go of your eggs
And you'll never have to think about the baby.
And you'll never have to think about the baby.
And you'll never have to think about the baby...

Apr. 23 2009 11:18 AM
Carla Nordstrom from New York

It’s been eight years since Bush v. Gore,
And now that we’ve shown them out the door;
I’ll have to admit,
As I quietly sit,
I expect that they’ll torture us forevermore.

The Bushies didn't torture, no need to blame,
Enhanced interrogation is what they claim
Got them the goodies,
From under the hoodies,
Preventing attacks was their primary aim.

Is Cheney looking into my brain?
Where lefty ideas are how I sustain,
A balance in thought,
Where ideas are sought,
To clarify what they need to explain.

While they have tortured excuses galore,
Their moxie I have come to adore;
To take on a cue,
From the liberal pew,
To explain the acts that liberals abhor.

Apr. 23 2009 11:12 AM
Brandon Lacy Campos from New York, NY

A report issued today by the General Roundtable on the Economic Encouragement of Negros (GREENS) stated that, “Due to the impact of the collapsed credit market, the dissolution of the banking and finance sectors, and the implosion of the domestic auto industry, blacks, who have a four hundred year history of making due with next to nothing, are finding their survival skills are now in high demand.”

The GREENS institute study determined that even when the U.S. economy is thriving, most of the black community lives in recession.

From Soul Food cooking classes to boot leg CD sellers, black folks survival skills are in high demand by the formerly wealthy.

GREENS Director, Miss Betty Collards commented, “Real incomes for black folks declined in the late 1990s when America was at the height of its so-called boom.”

She concluded with, “Boom? Boom is the sound that those white folks jaws made when they saw the big board at the stock exchange this morning.”

In the end, the GREENS report concluded that the African-American community will weather this recession with the same creativity, passion, and hamhocks that has kept it solvent for the last 400 years.

The GREENS report agreed.

Apr. 23 2009 11:07 AM
Fred Polvere from Yonkers, NY

Political Life Imitates Farce
=============================================

I am sorry if the blind man was upset when I berated him for wearing sunglasses indoors.

I do not recall accepting $25,000 from the lobbyist to change my vote on the missile project. It was almost 10 months ago and I vote on countless bills.

We do not torture and the information we got from doing it saved lives.

Yes – everyone can now see that mistakes were made.

Some people want to allow terrorists to immigrate legally into the United States but I am firm in my commitment to provide a strong national defense.

Those E-voh-ultionists say that life came from nothing. How do they explain that?

The only way to fix this financial crisis is by paying huge bonuses to retain the people who didn’t know what they were doing when they got us into it.

I could not conceive of a situation in which I would do that.

I was shocked, shocked to find such greed on Wall Street.

My state abhors the oppressive hand of federal government and we are still waiting for more help from FEMA in hurricane debris removal.

Apr. 23 2009 11:07 AM
Mark from Westfield, NJ

Dick Cheney, who was our country's veep
Said we gotta get 'dem guys 'dat like to torture
Decided he'd get (info from) our enemies on the cheap
It's so hot in Iraq, its a scorcher.

The best way, he'd thunk...
To avoid further slaughter
Was to give them a dunk
In a tank full of water.

Soon Dick'll see his day in court
If some guys over in Italy
Catch him in a foreign resort
Sentence him for his crimes, quite wittily.

And perhaps, his consort,W. Bush
Will also get soaked in his tush.

Apr. 23 2009 11:04 AM
Jerry Klein from Manhattan

Dogs understand me. We chat.
At the age of eight a failed effort to bring home to a Brooklyn apartment, my Aunt's garden housed chihuahua taught me to heed dogs appeals. Tomthumb thanked me with his slobbering tongue for restoring him to his garden. Ever after, in part to spare myself wet licking, I only communicate with other people's pets.
At issue now is whether Bo Obama will understand why I am often left of left and why I joined hands last year with people waving anti-bank and anti-Wall Street banners, proudly hoisting Karl Marx photos and berating Paulson for handing taxpayer dollars, with no oversignt, to the perpetrators of the economic collapse.
Will Bo appreciate my signing petitions from Kucinnich and Wechsler for the indictment of the cagbal that scoffed at the rule of law, endorsed torture, tossed checks and balances out the window and gave free reign to greed.
Years of writing, emailing and phoning politicians has taught me that even when acknowledged, at times with expressions of agreement, little ever changes.
But...now..I have a new hope. Bo Obama will be my spokesman, or, inasmuch as I haven't been informed of the Whitehouse's newest occupant's gender I will observe the political correctness of addressing my new "spokesperson".

Apr. 23 2009 11:03 AM
O from Brooklyn

Cheney’s Canine Consternation
In a recent interview with Fox News, Former Vice President Dick Cheney continued with his public admonishment of the Obama Administration: “The safety of American citizens is weakened by bringing a maritime threat so close to home,” said Cheney. When asked if he was overreacting to the Obamas’ recent acquisition of a Portuguese Water Dog, Cheney sneered and suggested that the breed is resistant to even the most extreme forms of interrogation. “It’s in confidential files, I’m sure he’ll release them to the New York Times.”
The former vice president has been an outspoken critic of Obama’s economic and foreign policies since the President assumed office, though this recent criticism of the White House pet took many in the Beltway by surprise. When reached for comment, Robert Gibbs cited the canine genera of the pet as being incapable of plots more intricate than “being cute to get a treat,” and also the long amiable history of U.S. – Portugal relations. After briefly adjusting his pink tie, Gibbs wondered aloud if maybe Cheney is a cat person.

Apr. 23 2009 10:55 AM
Gwen Baer from Brooklyn, NY

"BROKEBACK CHENEY"

ANNOUNCER: And now, from Ang Lee, the acclaimed director of the epic American love story "Brokeback Mountain," and from The Administration That Couldn’t Shoot Straight Productions ... it’s the controversial film everyone is talking about ... "Brokeback Cheney." Starring former Vice President Dick Cheney and Harry Whittington.

WHITTINGTON: Hey, Cheney, is that a 28-gauge shotgun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

ANNOUNCER: "‘Brokeback Cheney’ crackles with a breathtaking homoeroticism!" raves Jeff Gannon of the Washington Press Corps and Hot Horny Military Escorts.com."

CHENEY: I wish I knew how to quit you, Whittington.

WHITTINGTON: Well, you sure ’nuff better try, Cheney. You mean old drunk bastard. Stay away from me.

CHENEY: I ain’t queer, ya know.

WHITTINGTON: Yeah, sure you ain’t.

CHENEY: Even if I was a homo, that would be, uh, classified.

WHITTINGTON: (chuckling) Yeah, just like them torture memos, huh, Dick?

CHENEY: Go f#%k yourself, Whittington!

SFX: GUNFIRE, BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMS.
ANNOUNCER

Joel Siegel gushes: "‘Brokeback Cheney’ is a stunning cinematic achievement that pierces straight into your heart like two hundred or so birdshot pellets!" ‘Brokeback Cheney’ ... coming soon to a theater near you!

Apr. 23 2009 10:46 AM
Kate McLeod from New York

Hi and welcome. I'm Nick Done, CEO of CO2 Bites, the company that promises you CO2 elimination wherever, whenever, whomever.
We’ve brought Mama Bear down from the arctic—Wow, Boys, she’s really . . . Ow, Ow, (Polar Bear roars) Get her off me. Get her off me. Whew! It’s OK, I’m fine. (Under his breath.) Get that monster outta here.
At CO2 Bites, we’ll go the distance to eliminate CO2. CO2Bites holds the patent for the software that shuts down any internal combustion engine that’s still running—globally. The Chinese are back on their bicycles and I believe that it was CO2 Bites’ promise of total CO2 elimination that prompted the government to build a 3,000 mile monorail to connect New York to LA.
Humans emit CO2, a problem that no one—not President Obama, not the Sierra Club, not the Brian Lehrer show has taken on. Today CO2 Bites is proud to announce that we are launching a program today to shut down CO2 emitting humans.
No we’re not talking about the final curtain; we’re just going to put you on hold a few minutes every day. Over the course of one year, we can save the planet

Apr. 23 2009 10:44 AM
Marilyn Recht from Manhattan

THE R TRAIN

So I’m sitting there feeling un-put-together and I’m obsessing how to save my outfit. Across from me are three young women friends. One is kind of pinched looking—even her feet are swelling out of her pointy shoes. The middle one is nondescript. The one holding forth is obnoxiously pleased with herself. She keeps smiling widely showing off her perfect teeth inside perfectly lined and painted lips. She’s leaning forward to share all her good news, twirling her highlighted permed hair with engagement rock ring finger. My hostility is swelling forth like her friend’s feet. I hate her for not suffering, for of course having a fiancé, for being chosen and entitled to happiness. Why must there be women like this who consciously cultivate their looks since babyhood so they’ll be assured of hooking a good catch and a good-looking career where they shmooze with clients/producers/agents smug that style is all while other people hover on the edge of interior and exterior reality unsure of the face they show the world, unsure of success and glamour and money, their feelings too jagged for the smooth oiled machine of corporate media.

Apr. 23 2009 10:44 AM
Sarah Van Arsdale from Manhattan

Finally, a use for Twitter: the helpful geeks at NYU have devised sensors that can read a houseplant’s moisture and then send a message to Twitter.

Plant Twittering will go a long way toward contributing to the illusion of importance and popularity begun by Facebook, Blackberries and cell phones.

Your phone will bleat, and you’ll squint at it in concern. “Water me!” your plant will Tweet, and “I’ve got to take this,” you can say, straightening your tie. You don’t even have to rush home to water the damn thing; you can send a Tweet to your dog and enlist his assistance.

You don’t even have to have a plant. Through word-of-mouth only, the original Twittering plant has more than 2,300 followers.

Plant Twittering could really help cut down on the loneliness created by all our screens and tiny hand-held devices. It could stave off the existential moment late at night, when otherwise you may be inclined to talk to your husband or call your mother. Instead, you can get a message from someone else’s plant, and feel like you’re actually engaging in a relationship, without ever having to say to the human being next to you, “Water me.”

Apr. 23 2009 10:43 AM
Marilyn Recht from Manhattan

THE R TRAIN

So I’m sitting there feeling un-put-together and I’m obsessing how to save my outfit. Across from me are three young women friends. One is kind of pinched looking—even her feet are swelling out of her pointy shoes. The middle one is nondescript. The one holding forth is obnoxiously pleased with herself. She keeps smiling widely showing off her perfect teeth inside perfectly lined and painted lips. She’s leaning forward to share all her good news, twirling her highlighted permed hair with engagement rock ring finger. My hostility is swelling forth like her friend’s feet. I hate her for not suffering, for of course having a fiancé, for being chosen and entitled to happiness. Why must there be women like this who consciously cultivate their looks since babyhood so they’ll be assured of hooking a good catch and a good-looking career where they shmooze with clients/producers/agents smug that style is all while other people hover on the edge of interior and exterior reality unsure of the face they show the world, unsure of success and glamour and money, their feelings too jagged for the smooth oiled machine of corporate media.

Apr. 23 2009 10:41 AM
Dan Helming from Maplewood NJ

Entry 2

How ‘bout the Yankees spending millions on players, or as we call it annually in New York, the “Perennially Losing Players Bailout”.

They have crazy rules at the new stadium… you’re drinking beer and you can’t hold it, so you go out to pee at the 7th inning stretch, and they stop you. How the heck are you supposed to then not have excessive movement?

They’re appealing to the Supreme Court, which nowadays looks like a Flomax commercial, I guarantee you the case will be heard…. and felt… And thank God, there is an authority in this world bigger than George.

By the way, in a symbolic move, Cheney has turned off his pacemaker, which he received through socialized medicine. If he needs a shock, the Secret Service is instructed to read him Obama’s latest popularity ratings…

But seriously how can they ever punish Cheney. If they send him to prison, to him he’ll feel like he’s in his basement.

And on the environment, there is reduced songbird activity, word is that there is unemployment because so many Tweets are being done online. And Al Gore is demanding refrigeration units for computers…

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

Apr. 23 2009 10:41 AM
JRB from New Jersey

Rudolph Giuliani made it official this morning by declaring his candidacy for New York Governor.

The decision to run is another step on the path to political recovery for the former New York City mayor, whose 2008 campaign for the presidency came to a disastrous and expensive end early in the process.

Giuliani’s advisers took a gamble by forgoing the early Republican nominating contests to pour all of their resources into the January 29th Florida primary.

"It's an unconventional strategy,” Giuliani said at the time, “but I've never followed conventional wisdom before; it's always worked."

Except it didn’t.

Which is why Rudy is revamping his strategy for the 2010 gubernatorial race.

“In 2008, we made the mistake of campaigning in only one of the 50 states,” Giuliani said in his announcement statement. “Today, I stand here to say, ‘Never again.’ We have learned from experience and this time, we will campaign in TWO of New York’s 62 counties.”

The crowd erupted with applause, chanting, “Two for Rudy! Two for Rudy!” as Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” blasted from the loudspeakers.

A source within the Giuliani campaign says they expect to spend their $35 million budget in Rockland and Sullivan Counties.

Apr. 23 2009 10:38 AM
Peter Plimpton from da Bronx

OH CANADA!

Twice, the United States has invaded Canada.

So why did we really wish to conquer Canada? So that we could share with them the benefits of American Democracy? To rape their resources “three ways from Sunday”?

But none of that really matters, because considering everything:

Wouldn’t it be better if Canada conquered us?

1. In 2000 and 2004, where did EVERY American liberal dream of escaping to?
2. When Hollywood wants to make a movie about America, where do they go?
3. And where, oh where, do we buy our Viagra from?

California you say? NOPE, it’s CANADA!

Think about it; Obama doesn’t have to reinvent the wheel to solve all our problems because Canada has already solved them!

• UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE? THEY ALREADY HAVE IT!
• OCCUPATION OF FOREIGN COUNTRIES? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A CANADIAN SHOT ANYTHING OTHER THAN A MOOSE?
• ENERGY PROBLEMS? CANADA EXPORTS OIL!
• GLOBAL WARMING? CANADA IS THE GREENEST COUNTRY IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE!
• ECONOMIC WOES? CANADIAN BANKS DON’T NEED BAILING OUT BECAUSE THEY NEVER GOT INTO TROUBLE!

Talk about a silver bullet!!!

Can you hear our President thinking? “OH, CANADA!”

OR AS HENNY YOUNGMAN WOULD SAY, “TAKE MY COUNTRY…. PLEASE”

Apr. 23 2009 10:36 AM
Danish Nadeem from Hicksville,NY

Barry goes to Washington by Danish Nadeem

Seventy million friends said go Barry Go. Barry was the best they had seen in age. When Barry arrived in Washington everyone threw him a party where everyone stood up and applauded. Except Mean Ole Rich, he just sat there. Rich was ready to pounce on anyone who dare speak of Hope, the tooth fairy, or Acorn.
Barry went all over the world and said "Yes We Can". But mean old Rich and his friend Mr. Insanity started calling him a fraidy cat. At the same time Rich's friends started wasting perfectly good tea by doing funny things with it, like putting it on their hats.
But Barry ignored them. Mean Ole Rich kept showing up on t.v with Mr. Insanity, but Barry's friends knew that they were just angry cause Barry was healing America.
One day Mean Ole Rich and Mr. Insanity realized that nobody was listening anymore, so they decided to buy a cottage in Wyoming and when a car drove by they would yell at it. And that's how it ends with Barry in Washington Helping Americans, and Mean Ole Rich and Mr. Insanity screaming at cars.

Apr. 23 2009 10:35 AM
Anna from NY

In a flagging economy, what’s a struggling artist to do? Working at Bed, Bath, and Beyond doesn’t showcase the talents of an artist. And prostituting yourself can get, well, demoralizing. But for the lucky art world elite, there’s the ever-popular partnership with a clothing company. Takashi Murakami, a Japanese pop artist, is famous in America for his revolutionary reworking of the Louis Vuitton logo (it’s different, I swear! See, it’s multi-colored!). People will spend $15,000 on a single piece of luggage covered in the new monogram.

Mr. Murakami has parlayed his relationship with Louis Vuitton into a show at the Brooklyn Museum, and in 2008, an art auction at Louis Vuitton. How convenient! The art show featured brilliant prints by the artist, including some prints that were similar to those used in Louis Vuitton designs. Except . . . the print were just leftover scraps stretched into a frame. And for which a man at the show paid $6,000. When a bag of the same material costs less than $1,000.

Art is commerce! Or at least that’s what that dope will tell himself as he rocks himself to sleep in the fetal position, clutching his six G leather scrap.

Apr. 23 2009 10:31 AM
Daniel McGuire from Plymouth , MA

MURDER INC TO CLOSE, JOBS OUTSOURCED

Employees of Murder Incorporated, the venerable assassination service, received their last paychecks today as doors to their Hoboken-based call center were closed. "Murder Inc. continues to make important choices to best position the company for long-term growth," the company said in a statement via e-mail.

Employee David Santelli said the closing of the call center, where his father had also worked, has left him depressed. “Hopefully, I’ll find work that doesn't involve murder, but it's hard. This is all I know.”

Murder, Incorporated was created in 1924 by Louis "Lepke" Buchalter with help from Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel and Meyer Lansky. In its heyday, Murder Inc. had a 32% market share buoyed by hits on luminaries "Dutch" Schultz and Judge Joseph Crater, as well as killings of petty thugs like George Rudnick (icepick) and bookmaker Irving ("Puggy") Feinstein (set on fire). These hits sealed Murder Inc.’s reputation for effective, imaginative homicide.

For the foreseeable future, calls to Murder Inc.'s 800 number will be handled by a call center located in Hyderabad, India "So far, the transition is going well" said “Vinny”, a call-center employee who admitted his actual name was Pradesh Patel.

Apr. 23 2009 10:31 AM
earl from Brooklyn

This just in: the cute white spokesduck for insurance giant AFLAC today rocked officials there with a $50 million lawsuit. Court papers contend that during a contractual waddle through AFLAC corporate headquarters last month, "just to give the guys a little face time with the duck", he overheard a conversation between two upper executives. The duck's attorney, Bernie, speaking at a press conference said they must have thought the duck to be out of earshot. "The statements they made ranged from "People want facts, not fluff," and He's a duck of one word," to a damning "Mickey Mouse, he's not." In a nod to the economic downturn, Attorney Bernie noted the almost $10 million drop in advertising spending by AFLAC.
"OK, so yeah, that's a lotta money. But you gotta spend to make. My client has made these guys a lotta dough and you don't just abandon the duck that brought you to the dance. We say that now, more than ever, people need to hear from the duck." Sources confirm that, according an editor at Advertising Age, "he's one of the biggest swinging ducks in the business."

Apr. 23 2009 10:31 AM
Jacob from Inwood, Manhattan

My wife lost her job. So did my thirty-year old son, my balding fiftyish neighbor, his hot wife and her hot mistress. Yeah, you heard me right: They’re all unemployed.
I still have a job. When I wake up, after I fix the couch pillows, I have somewhere to go. My wife calls every hour asking what I’m up to. She’s afraid of more layoffs. What do I tell her? Lies. Look, my wife’s a snob. She thinks I still work for The Bear Stearns Companies, Inc., when in fact I work for Marathon Enterprises, Inc., otherwise known in the city as Sabrett, New York's # 1 Hot Dog. Wipe that smirk off your face, because guess what? I’m not the only frankfurter vendor in a suit and tie. My wife isn’t pleased with my somewhat dramatic pay cut, by at least she sees her man walking out the door and returning at night with money in his hand, even if the money is crumpled, has mustard stains and smells a lot like sauerkraut. You can’t imagine how I explain that. I spend all day thinking of ways to explain that. Basically she thinks I’m obsessed with hot dogs.

Apr. 23 2009 10:28 AM
Dom from Institute for very very nervous

Pouring water on bad guys is cool
It makes them squirm, cry and drool
The Commies taught this trick
To creeps W, Rummy and Dick
And others who I think are a ghoul

Apr. 23 2009 10:26 AM
Dom from Institute for very very nervous

There once was a Pol named Obama

Whose wife is one really hot mama

They replaced George and Laura

Two really big borers

And have caused the Fox guys great trauma

Apr. 23 2009 10:19 AM
Charles Harris from Island Heights NJ

Khalid was soaking wet. “We are not going in again, are we Ahmed?

Ahmed said “We will if you don’t tell me?”

“I swear, Ahmed, I’ll tell you.”

“So tell me!

“I forgot”

“Ahmed sprang, drove “K” into the water, but fell in with him.

“Tell me!” Ahmed cried, flailing in the pool.

“I will, but you seem to be drowning,”

“Help me?”

Khalid pulled “A” to the ladder. As Ahmed was climbing up he spun and smacked “K” on top of the head. K sank to the bottom.

Eventually “K” surfaced trying to suck oxygen from bubbles he was spewing.

“A” was furious. “ Khalid answer the damn question.”

“Come get me.”

“Dammit K you know I can’t swim. We’ve done this 200 times already.”

“OK you win. What’s the question?”

“The question? Oy I forgot. Wait.” He searched his clohing. “I can’t find the fn question.”

Khalid comfort Ahmed. “How come you were assigned to water boarding and can’t swim?”

“Khalid, please. Tell me something. Cheney will kill me.”

“If I tell you he’ll kill you more.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Ok, but it’s just gossip. After genetic tests it turns out Bush and Saddam are related.”

Apr. 23 2009 10:11 AM
Dale P. from LIC

I applaud New York’s concerted effort to attract more tourist dollars. These revenues have made possible an impressive number of completed projects benefiting all residents. The glorious Moynihan Station evokes the grandeur of the legendary Pennsylvania Station and the legendary Penn Station. The JFK-LGA link is a time saver for domestic visitors making international connections and international visitors making domestic connections. No world class city can afford to be without convenient access to airports. I applaud the residents of Astoria and Jackson Heights who, inspired by Ellis Island, instituted the “Yes, In My Backyard” campaign which helped ease construction of the direct link to LaGuardia. Their embrace of disruption helped serve the nobler good. The redesign of the Q33, Q48 and M60 buses has yielded a fleet both sleek and luggage-friendly. Our subways now house staircases that span the width of entire platforms, and gracefully ease the flow of pedestrian passage. And with that captivating ensemble of spires known as the New World Trade Center well in place, attention may now move to other pressing priorities, such as an express stop to the Javits Center. Visitors and residents alike celebrate our visionary vitality. Clearly, it pays to be a destination.

Apr. 23 2009 10:11 AM
Dave and Jon Zornow from Nyack, NY and NYC

We're contestant # [133] and we are trying to learn from what we've seen work on American Idol: it's good to say nice things about your fellow contestants.

A few of our favorite (satirical) things are 22, 14, 174, 75,121, 71, 1, 10, 30,45, 111, 65, 154). There are links (and a few add'l comments!) at http://www.medianewsandviews.com/2009/04/wnyc. Feel free to post your own favorites or deride ours!

Some of these are great! And many, as promised, made us think. Although some made us think some of the entrants own computers that can't count words or spell check. And some of the entries made us think the writers didn't pay any attention in 7th grade English class. But no matter. It's all for fun!

Good luck to everyone! It was great reading your stuff.

Jon and Dave Zornow

Apr. 23 2009 10:08 AM
Dan Helming from Maplewood NJ

What are these torture revelations, that people were waterboarded 180 times? Yeah, but you see, they got A LOT of practice holding their breath, heh heh. It's like the Y swim program, the Guppies only get boarded 60 times you see. Everyone in THIS program tries to flunk the test.

How ‘bout the news that they used a military program on how to RESIST torture to design our program. Those madcap thinking leaders of ours can’t even get violating Geneva straight… Rumsfeld was looking forward to using the Iron Maiden... he remembered from his youth...

It was take your daughter to work day. I’m unemployed. So my daughter came home. We made toast. We called some friends... none of hers were home. We did Sudoku at lunch. Then we went to the office, you know, Starbucks. She liked the cheese samples on toothpicks at Whole Foods, they're usually gone when she gets home. She can't wait for next year.

How ‘bout Obama's dog Bo. Bo's made a few appearances in front of his constituency, but, uh, they'll have to change the manual: when members of the crowd get frisked, they wag their tails and roll over.

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

Apr. 23 2009 09:57 AM
oconnord@sunyulster.edu from Woodstock, NY

Shell Game

Consumers are ‘crying foul’ over recent severe price fluctuations and quality issues in the clam industry. In response, industry spokesmen have issued monthly statements defending the value of their services. Clam officials pointed to their inability to control the market, stating that sea changes, previously undisclosed costs, rapid expansion, and consumer consumption can impact quality and price. “We aim to provide robust clams at a stable price, however, a certain percentage of clams don’t survive and can sometimes taint other clams.”

Watchdog organizations are asking how the industry maintains a 100% pearl retention rate and yet consistently fails to detect and remove grit on behalf of the consumer. Officials conceded that their current skimming mechanism might require stronger oversight.

A noted clam industry lobbyist explained that rising tides unrealistically raised expectations. “Consumers need to recognize that tides can go up and down.” When asked to address concerns over the increasing number of open clams found in the market, he replied “though it’s true that the flavor is not as rich, consumers can still eat it with confidence.” He also reassured the public that the fishy smell and the sucking sound made by an open clam were normal phenomena.

Apr. 23 2009 09:49 AM
Joan Katen from Mamaroneck

An Interview with Jane Harman of California

NPR: Thank you for joining us.
You voted for the new Bush wiretap laws did you not?

Ms. Harman: Yes, I did (pause) but not to be applied to me!

NPR: Then are you telling us you feel you are above the law?

Ms. Harman: No, Just beyond it a little.

NPR Himm! You want to be Chairperson of the INTELLIGENCE committee in the House, Right?
Is it true that (having approved wiretapping) in return for help gaining the chairmanship of the INTELLIGENCE Committee of the House of Representatives you promised two men accused of being Israeli spies that you would intercede for them with someone in the White House ? And you did this on the telephone?

Ms. Harman. No Comment

NPR: Why would you talk to accused spies anyway?
I mean aren't they endangering our country?

Ms Harman: The way I look at it spies from countries we know a long time are different from spies from countries we know a short time. I call them Long and short spies. Long spies are less dangerous than short spies.

NPR: Well, that's the long and short of it.
Thank you Ms. Harman of the INTELLIGENCE Committee


Apr. 23 2009 09:40 AM
Nishan Bingham from brooklyn, ny

Today in Israel, friends are going shopping.

Today in Israel, golden retrievers are going to the puppy salon, wagging happy tails.

Today in Israel, your kids are climbing up those ancient ruins.

Today in Israel, they even have street performers: a silly man from South Korea who does a hilarious slapstick routine. Every time he winces the crowds roar with laughter! Silly South Korean man!

Israel today... No one belongs here more than you... We made sure...

Apr. 23 2009 09:30 AM
Mark Timmerman from Chelsea Hotel

Pasquinade On Yankee Stadium

Set up the wrecking crane and feel no guilt,

Recruit the low bid demolition crew,

But tearing down the house that Babe Ruth built,

You just may kill the spirit that he grew,

Rip up the sod where football giants played

What some still call the greatest ever game,

The field where Joe Dimaggio displayed,

His special grace will never be the same.

In Egypt still they stand the pyramids

The Roman Colosseum will yet last,

Still Athens worships its Acropolis,

But New York turns its back upon its past.

And now the suits can buy the pricey seats,

To drink their cabernet and eat their brie,

The beer and peanuts crowd cannot compete,

They watched the game on pay-per-view TV.

Beware of the Bambino's curse, you fools!

For angry ghosts may plague your team years hence,

So tear it down, but mind the iron rules

Of unintended evil consequence.

Apr. 23 2009 09:13 AM
Jane Gennaro from Upper Westside, Manhattan

Critics may praise Broadway’s production of Waiting for Godot, with it’s tony cast of theatrical clowns: Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin, John Goodman and John Glover but audiences say “We’re sick of waiting!”

“It’s bad enough waiting for the economy to improve.” says Mindy from Queens who bought a ticket “because of John Goodman”, expecting Roseanne to resurface as Godot. “Who wants to watch homeless bums with names you can’t pronounce waiting for some guy who never shows, just like my last Match.Com date?

Anti-waiting sentiment has prompted producers to hire Hollywood screenwriters to beef up Becket with a rewrite, in which Godot does actually make an entrance, hanging from the chopper that’s been MIA since Ms. Saigon closed.

Celebs vying for the coveted role of Godot (who scholars suggest is God) include Dennis Hopper, Harvey Keitel and Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, Twitterers keep chirping that Vladimir, Estragon, Lucky and Pozzo should be played by the cast of The View.
The New York Times has endorsed Susan Boyle, the dowdy Scottish singing phenomenon the world has apparently been waiting for to play Godot, but after 30 million You Tube Views with no end of media bombardment in sight, Becket had a point.

Apr. 23 2009 09:01 AM
Alex from downtown

New York State Senate
Albany, NY
April 21st, 2009

The Mta Bailout DRAFT list:

If you have received this memo, we ask for your comment by noon on Earth Day (look it up). We also ask that you refrain from discussing this sensitive list with anyone outside of your respective offices. This includes friends, family members, and pets with the ability to mimic. Also note that we have asked for your comments and not for your permission on anything in this list. Finally, in case you were wondering, the three idling diesel-powered yellow school-buses outside are waiting there to drive us to Johnny’s Hot Dogs for lunch on Earth Day (again, look it up). In the spirit of our environment, we ask that you consider not driving the 5 blocks up to Central Ave. this time and take our generous state-funded bus-pooling offer.

For inclusion in MTA bailout:
Payroll Tax
Taxi surcharge
Car rental Tax

Under strong consideration:
Tax from legalization of gambling, marijuana, prostitution, (same-sex marriage?)
Securitize parking ticket debt
Aggressively fine jay walking (securitize as well)
Toll pedestrians entering central business districts
Meters for bike parking

Out of the question (pie in the sky):
Toll bridges

Apr. 23 2009 08:54 AM
Carmen Bardeguez-Brown from Yonkers,New York

Excuses

Excuse me
Escuseme
Pardon my ignorance
I might not understand
why are we in so much distress
or maybe is because some people lost a few billions
While the rest of us can't even eat at McDonald
or purchase a dvd(probably purchase in the streets) instead of taking the family to the wonderful lala land of the mall
I know
I know
It is a recession,deflation,inflation
Anything But a Depresion
Depression is what they sell in commercials
and tell you to ask your doctor for a pill
( hey ,sometimes they will send it to you free)
Now, could a pill fix the mess we are in?
Oh yes
I forgot. It is not all of us
Not like the smart people from AIG,CITI Fannie GM and I can't remember the rest.
They were not the ones that create the mess and walked away with millions from the mess
Hey, but they are smart so they said and all their friends in the financial community seems to praise
They all need to get paid for their brains
And brain they gave us in more than one way
But I DON'T COMPLAIN
They have the big bucks
They are smart
I can't complain
The same people that we bail out with our sweat
But they are smart I give you that
We pay and pay while they collect

Apr. 23 2009 08:50 AM
Liz Fulton from Hastings on Hudson

The sharks were in the water. The second sweep of layoffs had churned through our workspace like nasty little incisors, chomping down the hallways, swooping left and right into the hushed carpeted domains of executives, and the hidey-holes of peons like us.
We were disappearing, we analog baby-boom earthlings, fading away with half the people on the planet, chased from the field by the young and the swift and the cheap, eviscerated for our mass birth-dom, blamed for every excess of our callow stoner youth and reviled for our collection of wrinkles, honestly gained. Never for a moment did the smooth-skinned snipers reflect that the Greatest Generation should be held responsible, at least for some of it…frisky and over-sexed as they were after the war. They parented the boom that tilted the world. And here we are, an ever fretful crowd of fifty to sixty-somethings contemplating the science of why our eyebrows no longer know when to stop growing.

Apr. 23 2009 08:49 AM
Vasco Bands from Yorktown Hts.

SATIRE SLAM - THIRD ATTEMPT TO SUBMIT

This much can be predicted of the financial meltdown panicking the nation, namely, that given the loss of jobs and foreclosures of houses, there will be an inevitable increase in crime for which swift amelioration, this proposal for the restoration of public executions and in New York City, what area more suitable than that of Times Square?. The ancient Romans with their Bread and Circuses
were the first to recognize the social utility of such entertainment whereby miscreants were punished, malcontents distracted from the barricades, and those otherwise tempted to violate the commonwealth, deterred. Nor to be be overlooked is a shovel ready stimulus to the Big Apple's economy through the sale of seats -those nearest the scaffold easily competing with Broadway's scalped ticket prices; beer and hot dogs hawked throughout the show for the always ravenous and discounted skeins of wool cum knitting needles for those haunted by the sentimental recall of Mme. Defarge. An automatic refund to the naturally squeamish; likewise to the fans of Rocky Horror, Alice Cooper etc. should the perfomance not live up to their grosser expectations. Franchises available.

Apr. 23 2009 08:44 AM
Charles Harris from Island Heights NJ

Khalid was soaking wet. “We are not going in again, are we Ahmed?

Ahmed said “We will if you don’t tell me?”

“I swear, Ahmed, I’ll tell you.”

“So tell me!

“I forgot”

“Ahmed sprang, drove “K” into the water, but fell in with him.

“Tell me!” Ahmed cried, flailing in the pool.

“I will, but you seem to be drowning,”

“Help me?”

Khalid pulled “A” to the ladder. As Ahmed was climbing up he spun and smacked “K” on top of the head. K sank to the bottom.

Eventually “K” surfaced trying to suck oxygen from bubbles he was spewing.

“A” was furious. “ Khalid answer the damn question.”

“Come get me.”

“Dammit K you know I can’t swim. We’ve done this 200 times already.”

“OK you win. What’s the question?”

“The question? Oy I forgot. Wait.” He searched his clohing. “I can’t find the fn question.”

Khalid comfort Ahmed. “How come you were assigned to water boarding and can’t swim?”

“Khalid, please. Tell me something. Cheney will kill me.”

“If I tell you he’ll kill you more.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Ok, but it’s just gossip. After genetic tests it turns out Bush and Saddam are related.”

Apr. 23 2009 08:33 AM
Markus Gaupas Johansen/ from Norway

CHINA BLOCK 1
By Markus Gaupås Johansen og Sturle Vik Pedersen

Voice over:
Police:

(RadioAdvert)

(Background music)

Voice over, read as an advert:
The wisdom of the East has been a fascination and inspiration to people in the West for centuries. Yoga, acupuncture, and Chop Suey has helped thousands of busy and stressed human beings.

Now you can order “China Block” directly to your television set.

Are you being hassled by political activists who interrupt your favourite TV program? Then just activate China Block and a harmonic and calm flute music will drown the voices of the protesters.

If you order China Block within ten days, you will also receive a China Block for your phone.

Activate China Block and you will experience that uncomfortable phone-calls magically turns into beautiful flute music.

(Phone rings and someone answers)

Voice in the receiver:
Hello, this is the police… (cut off by flute music)

China Block is now also being used by our president to create a beautiful and calm picture of the world.

News Reader:
Should all CIA-members suspected of using torture be prosecuted? This is the question we… (cut off by calm flute music).

Voice over:
China Block – because you’re worth it.

Apr. 23 2009 08:21 AM
connie perry from manhattan

Some television programming ideas:

American Panhandler - set in New York City's subway system, this real reality show will follow four to six vagrants as they explore various moneymaking methods. Some will sing, others will beg, one pulls out all the stops to tell of gruesome homeless details. Guest judges will evaluate their taped performances, decide who goes on to Vegas and award some irrelevant prize, such as home delivery of the New York Times or a toaster.

Extreme Working – driven, semi good looking people with various office skills and specific hang-ups will be put together on a stressful project that ultimately gets canned. In one half hour we will see who makes it to payday.

CSI Missing Evidence Lab – highlighting specially trained forensic experts who only find missing forensic evidence.

Law and Order SUV – this highly emotional and important show will illuminate again and again the utter senselessness of owning large sport utility vehicles. In Episode One an upper eastside New Yorker shows total disregard for her El Salvadorian nanny and her child by forgetting they were in the way, way back for one bitter cold day.

And the ultimate dating show: Meet My Cat.

Apr. 23 2009 08:20 AM
Robert Carnesi from North Babylon,NY

If it wasn't so absolutely pathetic, you would have to laugh. I entered yhe world in 1947 and was fortunate enough to have been inspired by fascinating people personally and through the media. Today I find myself pondering how it has come to this.
On a national level,presidents denying having sex with that woman, asserting we will do this my way even though the course seems insane, and lamenting immoral thoughts in the recesses of their souls.
On a state level governors famed for crusading tactics forgetting to zip their pants and a procession of bigwigs filling their pockets at the expense of those they were hired to represent.
And just a reminder closer to home, a county executive elected on the promise of cutting costs, hiring two retired and well pensiones police detectives to chauffeur him at $35.10 per hour and a newly elected village mayor giving himself and staff a raise on their first day in office promising they are going to work harder.
To quote Maurice Chevalier in Gigi, " I'm glad I'm not young anymore".

Apr. 23 2009 08:03 AM
David Marc Fischer

BARACK OBAMA TO INVADE NATION'S CAPITAL

April 23, 2009--Today President Barack Obama announced plans to invade Washington, D.C., unless his nation's leaders agree to bring democracy to that part of the world.

"Despite the repeated pleas of freedom-loving nations, the United States government continues to deny full Congressional representation to citizens of the nation's capital. Unless lawmakers remedy the situation immediately, I will not hesitate to employ the full force of the military to bring democracy to the region," Obama said.

The invasion plans received broad support from Congress. "The U.S. claims to be a democracy, yet whenever I visit the capital, the good citizens there tell me how much they envy the legislative representation that so many of us take for granted. These people are clearly ready for democracy, even if it takes military intervention," said Republican Senator John McCain.

Some voiced skepticism. "Giving Americans the vote sounds like a good idea, but is it realistic at this time? We are already using force to democratize Iraq and Afghanistan. Shouldn't we focus on changing the rest of the world before we try to change our own capital?" said a spokesperson for the NRA.

Apr. 23 2009 08:03 AM
libbyliberal from Manhattan

A Washington insider revealed today that one senior House Dem is planning to introduce the "How Can You Look Yourself In the Mirror?" bill, whereby citizens who voted for George W. Bush in either 2000 or 2004 or both will be required to pay a stupidity tax of $1000 for each Bush vote OR choose to contract to NOT vote in the next national presidential election or two elections, as the case may be.

Apr. 23 2009 07:22 AM
Mary Pagones from New Jersey

Military defends 1,000 calories per day restriction on suspected terrorists: A 2005 memorandum from the Bush Office of Legal Council argued 1,000 calories a day was “medically safe” as many individuals were prescribed the same amount on commercial weight-loss plans. “Being accused of terrorism, justly or unjustly, could be a kind of humanitarian intervention for the overweight.” Waterboarding can burn an estimated 250-500 calories per session. “Along with shivering naked in a cold room it really engages your core and activates your brown fat,” pointed out one CIA official. “My wife is always on diet, and let me tell you, those Lean Cuisine pizzas taste terrible. They always get too crispy on the bottom but the cheese never melts. If law-abiding Americans willingly eat low-fat mozzarella, American’s enemies should have to do the same.” Vice-President Cheney weighed in that the diet prescribed by his cardiologist was “really torture,” although he conceded Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches weren’t bad. Chef Alice Waters was shocked at the report: “why can’t the intelligence gathering-agencies, with all of their resources, simply build a garden, so terror suspects can eat nice, healthy produce, instead of all of the processed meals they are being served everyday?”

Apr. 23 2009 07:15 AM
Michelle from Park Slope

From the New York Times Style section:

Depressionista Diaries: Which Shoe Tastes Best?

Spring is in full swing and summer’s in the air! That means it’s time to stop carving up your bootstrap leather and start thinking about sandal season. Any well trained depressionista knows that to find the best tasting shoes it’s best to start early so you don’t have to shiv someone in the bread line.

A cork wedge is a great way to add height to your frame and fiber to your diet. Try a chunky heel for extra flair and pour on some hollandaise to get the buckle down your gullet.

Patent heels in a bright color are a great way to transition from spring to summer. Fruity colors like bright greens and yellows seem almost like the real thing: shiny leather fruit dipped in polyurethane.

Strappy peasant sandals can sometimes feel like you’re strolling along the beach wearing nothing at all. Take a dip in the ocean to soften up the rubber sole. Fry with a lemon butter sauce and capers. What’s that almond taste? Just harmless and nutritious traces of arsenic. Smile depressionista, you look fabulous!

Apr. 23 2009 03:00 AM
nadine smith from Brooklyn, NY

Hypocrisy Is A Virtue, Openness is Immoral

I believe in the morality of hypocrisy. I became a convert a couple of years ago, arguing with my older brother, the rabid conservative. We argued about a well known anti-gay preacher who turned out be gay or at least gay-like. I called him an immoral hypocrite, but to my surprise, instead of truth, hypocrisy was the greater virtue.
Occasionally, my brother displays wisdom; my brother counseled me, then a teenage activist, to "Stop worrying about how the world should be and start worrying about how it is". That was a valid point; of course, he also asserted that Donald Trump was altruistic. In this instance, my brother explained to me that "Hypocrisy is good, because it shows that you know you're doing something wrong."
That nugget of wisdom opened my mind to the world of the possible. I now realize that a person, who hides his crimes well enough to fool the world, should be forgiven or at least applauded for being aware of his bad acts. Also, I now know the truth about those gay persons who flaunt their happiness in parades and coupledom; they are not really happy or gay, if you will, but are immoral because they have no idea that they are doing something wrong.
Hypocrisy is also lucrative. I mean, some say that a man who spent many years policing Ponzi schemes then trade on that reputation to suck investors into a Madoff scheme might come off as corrupt. I say to them 'heck no'; he virtuously used hypocrisy to make significant money.
Finally, I now see clearly, that if everyone willing embrace hypocrisy, we would be able to do whatever we want; as long it's in secret. Instead of working hard for real change, lie to everyone, including ourselves, the world will at least seem like a better place.

Apr. 23 2009 02:44 AM
nadine smith from Brooklyn, NY

I believe in the morality of hypocrisy. I became a convert a couple of years ago, arguing with my older brother, the rabid conservative. We argued about a well known anti-gay preacher who turned out be gay or at least gay-like. I called him an immoral hypocrite, but to my surprise, instead of truth, hypocrisy was the greater virtue.
Occasionally, my brother displays wisdom; my brother counseled me, then a teenage activist, to "Stop worrying about how the world should be and start worrying about how it is". That was a valid point; of course, he also asserted that Donald Trump was altruistic. In this instance, my brother explained to me that "Hypocrisy is good, because it shows that you know you're doing something wrong."
That nugget of wisdom opened my mind to the world of the possible. I now realize that a person, who hides his crimes well enough to fool the world, should be forgiven or at least applauded for being aware of his bad acts. Also, I now know the truth about those gay persons who flaunt their happiness in parades and coupledom; they are not really happy or gay, if you will, but are immoral because they have no idea that they are doing something wrong.
Hypocrisy is also lucrative. I mean, some say that a man who spent many years policing Ponzi schemes then trade on that reputation to suck investors into a Madoff scheme might come off as corrupt. I say to them 'heck no'; he virtuously used hypocrisy to make significant money.
Finally, I now see clearly, that if everyone willing embrace hypocrisy, we would be able to do whatever we want; as long it's in secret. Instead of working hard for real change, lie to everyone, including ourselves, the world will at least seem like a better place.

Apr. 23 2009 02:41 AM
Michelle from Park Slope

How To Go Green For Earth Day

1. Forget solar panels. Instead, power your house with an energetic hamster in a wheel. Turning on a light bulb should now take about three days. Churn some butter while you wait.

2.Trade in your car for a clean coal locomotive. Vintage is always green!

3. Instead of wearing shoes, strap a New York strip steak to your feet. Feel about the same you murderer?

4. Instead of wearing two socks, try just one. Use the other sock as a hand puppet. Have a green puppet show for your cat in the kitchen. Green!

5. Call up a random number in the telephone book and ask this person if their refrigerator is running. Tell them that they had better catch it. Also, that they’re killing the earth.

6. Make up a song about Earth Day. Try to rhyme “green” with “corporate machine.” How long did that take you, a half an hour? Great! We just slashed and burned a hundred acres of rain forest.

6. Replace all of your family photos with images of flowers, birds, and trees. Nature is your only family now. All others are dead to you. Happy Earth Day!

Apr. 23 2009 02:30 AM
DasGy from brooklyn

A conversation between Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III, hero of US Airways flight 1549 and Captain Richard Phillips, hero of the Maersk Alabama.
“You know Sully, I’m the real American hero; I was attacked by a gang of Somali pirates.”
“That’s nothing Phillips. I was attacked by a gaggle of Canadian Geese, and I’m willing to bet that they were better fed.”
“But these pirates tried to take my sea-going vessel.”
“Well, these geese made my vessel sea-going!”
“I was protecting my ship laden with 17,000 tons of food aid for Africa.”
“Food service in coach-- now that’s starvation.”
“And then, I was set adrift in the Indian Ocean for over 100 hours.”
“Try 15 minutes in the Hudson, Phillips.”
“The only thing stopping my escape was semi-auto machine gun fire.”
“The 30,000 foot drop got in the way of my escape. When it comes down to it, being the CEO of a safety consulting firm and having 40+ years of experience is what saved me.”
“hmmm, watching Under Siege starring Steven Segal about 40+ times did the trick for me.”
“Can we agree on one thing, Phillips?”
“What’s that, Sully?”
“We both have it made compared to Obama.”

Apr. 23 2009 02:15 AM
Don Arrup from New York, New York

Why We Don’t Have Universal Health Care

I asked the guy standing next to me at the bus stop why we don't have Universal health care. He said it was because I smoked and he didn't want his tax dollars covering my oxygen tank. I told him he was fat and I didn't want to pay for his triple bypass. The diabetic woman with three kids was asking people passing by if they had any candy while promising her kids ice cream when they got home. The church lady refused to pay for people with more than one sex partner while the drunk announced he needed a drink and a new liver. The girl who had come out of the tanning salon said that if the bus didn’t come soon she’d get skin cancer which caused the junkie to laugh so hard he stumbled into the street where he was hit by a skateboarder not wearing a helmet knocking the junkie in front of an SUV driven by a guy engrossed in his cell phone. Then the SUV swerved and crushed a Smart car.

The fat guy turned to me and said, “You see, this is why I don’t exercise.”

Apr. 23 2009 02:03 AM
Hobobob from New York, New York

CLOSING A COAT

The concrete is not hard
it is a bed to me
the sidewalk is rest
I will sleep tonight

The street benches
are sofas to me
I'll sit for hours
And watch commuters like TV

And the passing people
Are wallets
From which I draw
Coin and bill

Walking
In the chill of the night
You close your coat
And step over me.

Apr. 23 2009 02:01 AM
Michelle from Park Slope

How To Help Reduce Your Family’s Carbon Footprint Tip #472: Change out your little girls for little boys

Most of the world’s sugar cane and spice production comes from the earth’s warmer climates: Brazil, India, Mexico and even Australia. Transport of sugar and spice to the US involves tons of wasteful fuel for cargo planes and ships. The market for luxury goods (i.e. everything nice) has seem much of its production moved overseas to countries like China and Thailand. Therefore the average girl (sugar, spice, everything nice) can have a carbon footprint upwards of 32 metric tons.

Snips and snails and puppy dogs tails can easily be locally farmed and are sometimes even available in your backyard. Check your neighborhood greenmarket for these ingredients, or set up a cooperate with a nearby farm that can deliver organic snips and snails to your door. Grass fed puppy dog’s tails are often available without hormones through the internet.

Thus by simply replacing your carbon wasteful girls with carbon neutral boys, you are doing your part to help save our earth!

Apr. 23 2009 02:01 AM
Hobobob from New York, New York

CLOSING A COAT

The concrete is not hard
it is a bed to me
the sidewalk is rest
I will sleep tonight

The street benches
are sofas to me
I'll sit for hours
And watch commuters like TV

And the passing people
Are wallets
From which I draw
Coin and bill

Walking
In the chill of the night
You close your coat
And step over me.

Apr. 23 2009 01:58 AM
Hurd Hutchins from New York, New York

A Patriotic Evangelist's Thanksgiving Grace

Thank you dear Lord for helping us rid our verdant land of those pesky native pagans and populating it with Christians, who have made the nation so bountiful that it daily
succors our multitudinous needs and swells our storehouse of those things necessary for living a good Christian life.

And God bless the past administration, who have sent our brave soldiers abroad to fight so that our great Christian nation shall never be in want of oil. And may you dear Lord shore up the fainthearted policies of the present government so that they stay the course and bring victory to our Christian cause on all battlefronts.

And thank you Lord for allowing us, your humble servants, who constitute only 6% of the world's population to consume 48% of the world's resources, which have significantly added to the quality of our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. May you with all your benevolent power inspire our present government to drop their evil socialistic practices and instead cure our economic crisis the old-fashioned, American way--through tax-cuts for the wealthy, our country's patrons, who will lead us out of the current crises through the corrective workings of our magnificent free-enterprise system, though it might require an unfortunate bankruptcy here and there.

God Bless America, where we are doing His work every day of the year.

Apr. 23 2009 01:15 AM
Hurd Hutchins from New York, New York

A Patriotic Evangelist's Thanksgiving Grace

Thank you dear Lord for helping us rid our verdant land of those pesky native pagans and populating it with Christians, who have made the nation so bountiful that it daily
succors our multitudinous needs and swells our storehouse of those things necessary for living a good Christian life.

And God bless the past administration, who have sent our brave soldiers abroad to fight so that our great Christian nation shall never be in want of oil. And may you dear Lord shore up the fainthearted policies of the present government so that they stay the course and bring victory to our Christian cause on all battlefronts.

And thank you Lord for allowing us, your humble servants, who constitute only 6% of the world's population to consume 48% of the world's resources, which have significantly added to the quality of our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. May you with all your benevolent power inspire our present government to drop their evil socialistic practices and instead cure our economic crisis the old-fashioned, American way--through tax-cuts for the wealthy, our country's patrons, who will lead us out of the current crises through the corrective workings of our magnificent free-enterprise system, though it might require an unfortunate bankruptcy here and there.

God Bless America, where we are doing His work every day of the year.

Apr. 23 2009 01:15 AM
Adrienne Leban from Manhattan

Chump Change

In a country burdened by countless tomes filled with proscriptions and the prescriptions for their punishment when violated, the Change-Maker-in-Chief would move forward without them.

No more will misguided malefactors face the Blame and Retribution of the Old Way. The Great Change puts such outmoded practices behind us.

Violate the U.S. Constitutional prohibitions against torture? Regrettable but forgettable, it's behind us. Commit banking or securities fraud? Old Way, big problem; New Way, no problem!

The Great Change will save us tons of money, too. Unshackled from The Blame Game, we'll no longer need the Attorney General's Office or local police. In fact, without Blame and Retribution, who needs a Judiciary system? This violates the Constitution, you worry? No Retribution, no worries! And those 2 million freeloaders we're feeding, clothing, and housing in those horribly expensive Bastions of Blame aka prisons? Open the gates, Everyone out—it’s a New Day!

The best thing about the Great Change is that we can finally be free of Big Government. The Don't-Look-Back ethos of the New Way will shrink government like never before. Once we all stop paying taxes--having no fear of punishment, there will be no government at all.

Apr. 23 2009 01:00 AM
Lauren Salkin from Connecticut

Congressman fights global warming by carpooling for hookers. After being caught with a prostitute in his car back in 1993, Congressman Calvert calls on other lawmakers to do their part for global warming. “ . . . By using a buddy system, we can substantially reduce carbon dioxide emissions while cruising for hookers.” He went on to say. “It just makes sense. There’s a front seat and a back seat. Why waste space? In this economic climate, it’s especially important to prevent waste in government.”

Citing a recent EPA report, he said, “For every gallon of gas burned, a car produces roughly 20 pounds of CO2.” Then added, “Not to mention all that huffing and puffing. But, we shouldn’t stop there,” said Calvert. “We should also use eco-friendly automobiles. Sure, it’s a little tight in the back seat. But I’d be doing this for my kids and my neighbor’s kids.”

Calvert sees this as a growing trend among politicians. “Being caught with a hooker in a gas-guzzler can really drive down poll numbers. At least, if we buddy-up in a Prius, our constituents will know that we’re doing our part to fight global warming one hooker at a time.”

Apr. 23 2009 12:36 AM
Jane Gennaro from Upper Westside, Manhattan

Critics may praise Broadway’s production of Waiting for Godot, with it’s tony cast of theatrical clowns: Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin, John Goodman and John Glover but audiences say “We’re sick of waiting!”

“It’s bad enough waiting for the economy to improve.” says Mindy from Queens who bought a ticket “because of John Goodman”, expecting Roseanne to resurface as Godot. “Who wants to watch homeless bums with names you can’t pronounce waiting for some guy who never shows, just like my last Match.Com date?

Anti-waiting sentiment has prompted producers to hire Hollywood screenwriters to beef up Becket with a rewrite, in which Godot does actually make an entrance, hanging from the chopper that’s been MIA since Ms. Saigon closed.

Celebs vying for the coveted role of Godot (who scholars suggest is God) include Dennis Hopper, Harvey Keitel and Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, Twitterers keep chirping that Vladimir, Estragon, Lucky and Pozzo should be played by the cast of The View.

The New York Times has endorsed Susan Boyle, the dowdy Scottish singing phenomenon the world has apparently been waiting for to play Godot, but after 30 million You Tube Views with no end of media bombardment in sight, Becket had a point.

Apr. 23 2009 12:04 AM
Joe from Montville, NJ

The Family Values Index ™ -prospectus

As a stable consumer platform, secure marriages continue to generate spending. At the triple-A level, the Index will capitalize on todays love-rich, cash-poor environment by securitizing marital unions in six tranches, rated high to low in terms of risk and return. Our highest level features bundles of arranged marriages. Steady growth should characterize these investment vehicles.

For those with a higher risk profile, we offer a spectrum of celebrity marriages, whose spending potential will likely negate any short-term uncertainties. Diversification will be achieved by secondary derivatives, such as the marital union dissolution derivative, or MUDD. This will, as in the recent mortgage-backed security hiccup, probably provide complete safety for investors.

An interesting though perhaps exotic alternative for speculative adventurers is the growing focus on polygamy as a growth market. The Saudis are here seen as a primary target, insofar as petroleum wealth and heirarchy, as well as traditional religious values, will ensure a steady supply of multiple co-habiting partners and the subsequent need for domestic spending.

COMMENT: Recent purchases by the Treasury Department of matrimonial-driven funds have been derided as “huggies” and prompted the Journal to ask “Should Government be in the Romance business?”

Apr. 23 2009 12:01 AM
Jim Christy from princeton, nj

Fishing With George

Now that W. has more free time, I find myself thinking more about how he spends it. About three years ago we went fishing together. Well, we went out on a fishing boat together. I’ll explain.

My uncle is a GOP donor. Big one. I get a call, next morning we’re driving to Camp David. We arrive at a command post. The gruff agent searches our gear, nods. Then he takes hooks off our rods and ties a small metal weight to them.

“No fishing.”
“Um, but, that’s why we’re here.”

Conversation ends there. My uncle shrugs. We walk to the lake. The president has a tackle box and big smile. I think: “he’s that competitive about his fishing that he’ll have our hooks removed?” But he didn’t have hooks either. He threw out his line, started chewing some gum and just looked out.

My Uncle did the same. We sat in silence, holding our rods with these impotent weights hovering in the water. The President looked utterly pleased. Back at the dock he told us to come back real soon. We nodded, got our bait and hooks back and left.

I haven’t been fishing since.

Apr. 22 2009 11:49 PM
Joe from Montville, NJ

The Family Values Index ™ -prospectus

As a stable consumer platform, secure marriages continue to generate spending. At the triple-A level, the Index will capitalize on todays love-rich, cash-poor environment by securitizing marital unions in six tranches, rated high to low in terms of risk and return. Our highest level features bundles of arranged marriages. Steady growth should characterize these investment vehicles.

For those with a higher risk profile, we offer a spectrum of celebrity marriages, whose spending potential will likely negate any short-term uncertainties. Diversification will be achieved by secondary derivatives, such as the marital union dissolution derivative, or MUDD. This will, as in the recent mortgage-backed security hiccup, probably provide complete safety for investors.

An interesting though perhaps exotic alternative for speculative adventurers is the growing focus on polygamy as a growth market. The Saudis are here seen as a primary target, insofar as petroleum wealth and heirarchy, as well as traditional religious values, will ensure a steady supply of multiple co-habiting partners and the subsequent need for domestic spending.

COMMENT: Recent purchases by the Treasury Department of matrimonial-driven funds have been derided as “huggies” and prompted the Journal to ask “Should Government be in the Romance business?”

Apr. 22 2009 11:48 PM
Louis D'Amico

Hello everyone. This is John Galt speaking. Yes, the one from Ayn Rand's novel Atlas Shrugged.
Many years have passed since its first publication. A lot has changed, including me. Nowadays I'm
more apt to say that if Atlas gets tired holding the world, He should share its weight with everyone
instead of just shrugging. Also since it's getting hotter, it's better if we all get a little warm rather
than one guy getting burned. The earth should be hugged not shrugged.
Now I'm more of a Happytalist than a capitalist. A benevolent governments first priority should
be the happiness of its citizens.
In my book: The John Galternative Government, I propose a unique system of printing money
that allows everyone to be rich...even allowing some to be richer than others.
My Health Galternative Care Program grew out of my idea for a new cabinet position: The
Department of Altruism, headed by The Secretary of Brothers and Keepers.
I champion an across-the-board bailout amendment to the Constitution. From Kids bankrupted
by poor lemonade sales... to drug dealers forced out of business by my proposed drug legalization
laws.

Apr. 22 2009 11:42 PM
Michael Kusen from Queens NY

Can Mythology or Ecology Explain Washington DC?

It has been said that our nations capitol was built on a swamp. And till today many politicians proclaim Washington to be a swamp of slimy-power-crazed-demonic-legal-tacticians – yet by some mystery they all still seem to want to go there? Perhaps it is a Siren’s seductive call that only the politically ambitious can hear that lures them into a hallucinatory state of a demigod who will clean up Washington by mounting Pegasus and charging into the evil city with lance extended to pierce any lobbyist through the heart. Or perhaps politicians are evolved human archetype, a kind of schizophrenic being that is able to juggle multipliable chameleon-personalities and summon them up as needed for any particular occasion – like Rudy Giuliani putting on a dress. Whatever the answer to the perplexing paradoxes and paranormal political processes, this is not a city for scientists, mathematicians, Diogenes or the faint of heart. It is a city where laws are hammered out, twisted and shaped in the bellowing hot fires of rhetoric. Everything about our great capitol city seems so polarizing – perhaps noxious vapors rises up at night from the ancient swamp that makes our esteemed lawmakers a little crazy.

Apr. 22 2009 11:24 PM
Liddy Bits from New York

Cheese and crackers! 90210's Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) is 45! Lawdy, where does the time go? In Ziering's case, the time went inexorably into a vortex of joyless mornings and bankrupt nights at the Playboy Mansion with Scott Baio and Wilmer Valderama. When 90210 was on the air, we all knew that the "kids" of 91210 were, at the least, in their late twenties and that Andrea and Dylan, in particular, had hip replacement surgeries during the hiatus.

No one had much time for Steve. I suppose his whole adoption backstory just didn't have the meat of Dylan's precocious alcoholism and racketeering/informant father or even Donna's permanent virginity. I know I didn't care about him and his receding, flesh colored hair. Did anybody? Did 3rd string, Tiffany Amber Thiessen care? As I recall, even she was gunning for David Silver. That's a pain that's going to linger.

Was Steve supposed to be the jock? Warren Beatty is 72 today and could still play a more convincing jock than Ziering - although they both lost the Big Game against their arch rivals, the Hairlines, years ago. In Beatty's case, I assumed he was pushing 80, but, you know, a good 80. An 80 with Oscars and Annette Bening. An 80 with the incomparable (and I mean no one can compare with it) knowledge that he shagged everyone worth shagging in the 20th century, with the possible exception of Gandhi. So best wishes to the 72 years young, Warren Beatty! And you know, keep on keeping on, Steve.

Apr. 22 2009 10:54 PM
Mary from Westchester

Essay for Satire Slam

Why Waterboarding is a Good Thing

I agree with Dick Chaney that waterboarding works. Let’s try it on him, Bush, all of Bush’s senior aides, his Cabinet and on the Senate and House Intelligence Committees leaders of the Bush administration so we can find out exactly what these government officials authorized and encouraged in regard to the use of this act. And, if waterboarding, according to The Dick (as in, The Donald) works, then we will get an accurate picture of these officials’ actions. No matter the outcome, at least these leaders will get a taste (pun intended),of what a little waterboarding can do. The truth will set you free, right?

Apr. 22 2009 10:48 PM
A. Liddy from New York

Yesterday I read on Cityfile that "scientists now say that exercise isn't going to make you thin." Now you tell me! I'll never get back those hours spent thinking I should be exercising. Working out is de trop, but sleeping is smokin' hot.

"Sleep is the best way to happiness and beauty,"concluded Penelope Cruz in England's Evening Standard. I like the way that hot tamale free associates. To my horror, I've heard countless people carp about the fact that humans spend fully one third of their lives sleeping. The thinking is it's wasteful. Meanwhile, I've had the worrisome feeling that two thirds of my life weighed heavily on my hands. But Penelope Cruz is up to the two thirds challenge, her sleep personal best: 18 hours straight. Looking good, Penny.

I can take 10 pound off you in 5 minutes. You will glow with happiness and beauty, too. Go to a tailor. Yes, tailoring costs money, but so did your pointless gym membership. Thinness and beauty don't come free, my friend, they come with a custom fit.

Apr. 22 2009 10:47 PM
A. Dragone from New York

Aretha Franklin has agreed to lend her Inauguration hat to the Smithsonian. The hat's creator, Luke Song, is selling spring versions of the "Aretha Hat" for $179. The spring Aretha Hat will come in pastels, ideally suited for Easter parades and "transparent boxes," (in which owners display Luke Song hats at home). The fetching Aretha hat has also "caught the eye of Queen Elizabeth,"according to Mr. Song in today's NYT. I see Her Royal Highness in a powder blue Aretha, laconically rhyming her vision of a United Kindgom in which the "red man can get ahead, man." Hats off to you, Queens of England and Soul!

Apr. 22 2009 10:43 PM
A.D. Wilson from New York

Yesterday an insidious, hideous rumor spread that The New Yorker was reducing publication to 2 mags a month. I clutched, I'll tell you. The New Yorker editor and godhead, David Remnick, denied the rumor with the mighty and incisive, "no, no, no." The rumor initiated on Twitter and now the haters are all up in Twitter's grill about rumor-mongering and irresponsibility. I'm no Twitter apologist, but I'm sorry, folks, Twitter is not meant to be your primary news source. Unless you want your news limited to 140 characters coming from some C- lister, "listening to the Larry Tate Experience. day3 of cleanse. yes. btw lol."

I like Twitter; it's not true that it caused our current financial catastrophe or even Jen and Brad's divorce, (though it is the reason for Jen and John's break up - he didn't "have time to call" - but he was tweeting about his skidmarks all day long). I love The New Yorker way more than I like Twitter. But I don't have to choose between the two. Neither does anybody else. Hey C-lister! Send a little tweet to me. And David, call me.

Apr. 22 2009 10:42 PM
Alyssa Wilson from New York

The Masters is here, thank God, and not a moment too soon. My favorite golf tournament, the Masters, is the most luscious, verdant, blossomy, glossy, buttoned up, buttoned down golf show ever. It puts the sex back in sexist and the racy into racist, (before Tiger, of course - or at least before Tiger won back to back, 2001-2). The home of the sentimentally named everything, the Masters famous Green Jacket is the most coveted schmatta in sports.

It's all about the names at Augusta, including the name of the tourney itself. Bobby Jones, the George Washington of the Masters did not cotton to the name, "the Masters," he thought it presumptious. Bobby was right then; but Bobby would be dead wrong today. The "Masters" is a name without flaw.

All the names at the Masters are similarly inspiring and nostalgic. Their appeal lies in the fact that every hill and dale are named after a Republican and/or Augusta winner. Nature, at its most southern, is also honored. Hence the Eisenhower Tree (and Cabin), Gene Sarazen Bridge, and Magnolia Lane. Also: the Cold War Catfish Pond, Sam Snead Honeysuckle Stand, and Butter Wouldn't Melt in Reagan's Spanish Moss.

Sweet tea, chile? Yessum!

Apr. 22 2009 10:39 PM
Alyssa Wilson from New York

This morning's Today Show aired the tragic and disturbing tale of Nikolas Evans (21) and his spermatozoa (millions?). Nikolas Evans got into a bar fight in Austin, Texas on March 27th, (probably over the spelling of his first name, but anyway). After being removed from life support, Nikolas died. It was his wish to donate his organs. It was his mother's wish that he donate his sperm, as well. To. Her.

Marissa Evans has her son Nikolas' sperm now. Although she conceded that, "he would not want to have children like this,"
(while dead), she "will probably engage a surrogate to carry the baby." Um, gak. It's the "probably" that troubles me. Somewhere in the back of Mother Evans' mind, is the eminently resistable notion that she could carry her own grandchild(ren). Matt Lauer did not come right out and say it and neither did she. It just hung there.

Yeah. Chinatown.

Apr. 22 2009 10:36 PM
Liddy Wilson from New York

It's Earth Day, folks, and I'm for it of course. If I weren't I wouldn't admit it and neither should you. Love the Earth and the Earth loves you; hate the Earth and your salmon bleeds liquid mercury.

To mark Earth Day I dress like Stevie Nicks and twirl around. Like windmills, twirling around is an alternate energy source. I've been twirling around since I was 4. It's the reason I cracked my head open at 5. Recently, my mother referred to this as my ballerina accident. This was not strictly the case. Even as a child, I knew to speak in euphemisms, ("I'm a ballerina!"), regarding one's secret pleasures. Twirling around made me dizzy. This is why Stevie does it, too.

The footprint reduction benefit of twirling around was discovered later. That doesn't make it less right. This Earth Day, at 8:00 EST, turn off the lights, and twirl around for a full minute. It's much, much groovier if you do it in a skirt made of your dad's old ties. Twirling around is a gateway to recycling, particularly for really wide ties. To get started, think Stevie. Then, gradually, you can go your own way.

Apr. 22 2009 10:33 PM
Jennie Sunshine from Northern Westchester County

America tortured in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib. But the Government didn’t have to resort to water boarding or the “cold-naked-24 hour-cheerleading-pyramid.” All they had to do was ask, and I could have given them some excellent punishing tactics that would have saved them from such embarrassment.

I give the CIA:

1. My third grade teacher, Mrs. DelBello: The first day of school she stood at the front of the class in her mint, polyester pantsuit and declared, “I could either be a princess or a witch this year, you choose!” Armed with her tape recorder the size of a large microwave, she would make us listen to her scary boring voice read the entire times-table chart.

2. The SAT: It’s isolating, frustrating, dreary and timed. There are no snacks and only one bathroom break.

3. My first car: The 1987 Buick LeSabre from hell: A tank in silvery-blue bequeathed to me by my Grandpa Abe, it was prone to over heat. It turned my 13- hour road trip into a 30-hour one. The hairy, small-town mechanic “held my vehicle for ransom” (a.k.a: “awaiting parts”) to give his buddy at the creepy EconoLodge next door a customer for one more night.

Apr. 22 2009 10:05 PM
martin tessler from Manhattan

TRANS-FAT LENDING
In 2006 the Bloomberg administration came up with a trans-fat ban commencing in 2007."Trans-Fats", for the non-cognoscenti, could easily be mistaken for a pool hustler named Minnesota Fats in a movie portrayed by Jackie Gleason. It was the City's intent to protect the arteries of the public from life threatening, cholesterol-laden fat in restaurants. Whether this would have a beneficial effect on the public health was debatable as New Jersey eateries would easily purvey all the chicken fried steak with white gravy to those who could not obtain it in the city.
Too bad that the sub-prime and easy credit lending was not linked to the trans-fat ban.The lending world was gorging itself on subprime credit and the Wall Street diners were enjoying every bite.A little dyspepsia was beginning to show as delinquencies were starting to pop here and there but no severe chest pains had been experienced by our Wall Street gourmands-at least not yet. Dealing with real estate investment bankers I knew it was only a matter of time before cardiac arrests would overtake the Heimlich Maneuvers.

Apr. 22 2009 10:01 PM
Vasco Bands from Yorktown Hts.

SATIRE SLAM

This much can be predicted of the financial meltdown panicking the nation, namely, that given the loss of jobs and foreclosures of houses, there will be an inevitable increase in crime for which swift amelioration, this proposal for the restoration of public executions and, in New York, what area more suitable than that of Times Square? The ancient Romans with their Bread and Circuses
were the first to recognize the social utility of such entertainments whereby miscreants were punished, malcontents distracted from the barricades and those otherwise tempted to violate the commonweal, deterred. Nor to be overlooked is the shovel ready stimulus to the Big Apple's saagging economy through the sale of seats - those nearest the scaffold easily competing with Broadway's scalped ticket prices; beer and hot dogs hawked throughout the show for the always ravenous and discounted skeins of wool and knitting needles for anyone haunted by the sentimental recall of Mme. Defarge. An automatic refund to the naturally squeamish; likewise to the fans of Rocky Horror, Alice Cooper etc. should the perfomance not live up to their grosser expectations. Franchises available.

Apr. 22 2009 09:22 PM
Yvette Schlussel from East Brunswick, NJ

Rich People Don’t Get Fat
Researchers at Rutgers University have just reported a link between income and obesity, using census data and national health surveys. The income/obesity hypothesis, simply put, holds that “rich people don’t get fat”. The highest rates of obesity and diabetes in the United States are found among low income groups. A collective sigh of relief was exhaled by the svelte New York wealthy community, who suddenly realized that they have been spending their considerable disposable income on personal trainers and liposuction unnecessarily. The link between obesity and low income has led the Bloomburg administration to reconsider the ban on transfats and required labelling of calories at fast food restaurants. Instead, city officials are considering allowing the vouchers paid to poor families to keep kids in school to be traded in for gym memberships, private school tuition, gift certificates to Saks and Caribbean vacations. Evidence that obesity is largely an economic issue was demonstrated in findings that the rich spend, on average, 300 days a year eating in restaurants, but don’t gain a pound. Asked about the study, one respondent noted that for rich people, losing weight was never as big a problem as losing money.

Apr. 22 2009 09:14 PM
carmenBardeguez-Brown from new york city

Sorry
Excuse me
Escuseme
Pardon my ignorance
I might not understand
why are we in so much economic, social and cultural stress?
Or maybe is just some people losing a few billions
while the rest of us can't even eat
a Mickey D dinner
or purchase a few illegal Dvd's to watch home
instead of taking the family to the mall
I know
I know
it is a recession,deflation,inflation
Anything but depression
Depression is what they sell you in commercials
"Ask your doctor for the magical pill
Hey
Sometimes they will send you the quick fix for free
Now, could a pill fix the mess that we are in?
Oh Yes,
Ii forgot is not all of us
Not like the smart people from AIG,Fannie,Citi
and who knows what will come our way
God ,have mercy on me
Like I said all the smart people walk away with millions ( so it seems)
Well, but they are smart
That is all they say
They need to get paid for their brains
And Brain they gave us in more than one way
But Hey,
I don't complain
They are smart
They have brains
The same people that we bail out with our sweat
But they are smart, I give you that
We pay and pay while they collect.

Apr. 22 2009 08:38 PM
Vasco Bands from Yorktown Hts.


This much can be predicted of the financial meltdown panicking the nation, namely, that given the loss of jobs and foreclosures of houses, there will be an inevitable increase in crime for which swift amelioration, this proposal for the restoration of public executions and, in New York, what area more suitable than that of Times Square?. The ancient Romans with their Bread and Circuses
were the first to recognize the social utility of such entertainments whereby malcontents were distracted from the barricade, miscreants punished, and those otherwise tempted to violate the commonweal, deterred. Nor to be be overlooked is that shovel ready stimulus to the Big Apple's economy through the sale of seats - those nearest the scaffold easily competing with Broadway's scalped ticket prices; beer and hot dogs hawked throughout the show for the always ravenous and discounted skeins of wool and knitting needles for anyone haunted by the sentimental recall of Mme. Defarge. An automatic refund to the naturally squeamish; likewise to the fans of Rocky Horror, Alice Cooper etc. should the perfomance not live up to their grosser expectations. Franchises available.

Apr. 22 2009 06:52 PM
Evan A. Stark from Westchester

IS 2,500 TOO MUCH TO PAY FOR A SEAT AT YANKEE STADIUM?

There are 2 ways to look at it.
If you pay $2,500 for each of the 82 Yankee home games, you’re going to be out $205,000 for the season, whether the Yankees get into the play-offs or not.
That’s an awful lot of money for the average fan to pay.
But on the other hand, the minimum salary for a major league baseball
player is over $400,000 dollars a year, even if he sits on the bench for most of those games.
That means, that if you pay $205,000 dollars for your Yankee tickets, you’re
not even paying half the annual salary of the lowest paid Yankee on the team.
And when you look at the $25 million they”re paying A-Rod, the $20 million they’re paying Derek Jeter and the double digit millions they’re paying a number of their other players, $2,500 may be too little to pay for a seat.
After all, we wouldn’t want the Yankees to leave New York after we just paid for their new stadium.

From Evan Stark
evstark@verizon.net
914 764-4643

Apr. 22 2009 06:50 PM
Jennifer from Brooklyn, NY

MEMO

TO: Employees

For the last six months, both our Firm and the U.S. economy have been nothing short of shitty. Our stock holds unsteady at $0.08, I will personally can you if you ask for a raise and if you were lucky enough to get a bonus, for god sakes, shut it or we will be forced to give back the government bailout money. In short, times are not just tough, they are down right crappy. Our only daily delight is when we block 5 minutes on the calendar to briefly close our eyes and reminisce about the cocaine-driven, money-whoring days of the 80’s.

In the midst of this financial crisis, HR has repeatedly informed me that we’ve got thousands of employees who are emotionally unstable in these uncertain times. I am fully aware that instability does not equal productivity. We need a way for you to “connect” with each other and it needs to be free because I will not, in good faith, approve a budget of even one cent for your instability. To that end, it is a mandatory requirement that every employee in this Firm register an account with Facebook.

IT Department: “Tear down this firewall!”

Apr. 22 2009 06:46 PM
Evan A. Stark from Westchester

IS 2,500 TOO MUCH TO PAY FOR A SEAT AT YANKEE STADIUM?

There are 2 ways to look at it.
If you pay $2,500 for each of the 82 Yankee home games, you’re going to be out $205,000 for the season, whether the Yankees get into the play-offs or not.
That’s an awful lot of money for the average fan to pay.
But on the other hand, the minimum salary for a major league baseball
player is over $400,000 dollars a year, even if he sits on the bench for most of those games.
That means, that if you pay $205,000 dollars for your Yankee tickets, you’re
not even paying half the annual salary of the lowest paid Yankee on the team.
And when you look at the $25 million they”re paying A-Rod, the $20 million they’re paying Derek Jeter and the double digit millions they’re paying a number of their other players, $2,500 may be too little to pay for a seat.
After all, we wouldn’t want the Yankees to leave New York after we just paid for their new stadium.

From Evan Stark
evstark@verizon.net
914 764-4643

Apr. 22 2009 06:44 PM
Vasco Bands from New York

This much can be predicted of the financial meltdown panicking the nation, namely, that given the loss of jobs and foreclosures of houses, there will be an inevitable increase in crime for which swift amelioration, this proposal to restore public hangings in the market place and, in New York City, what area
more suitable than Times Square. The Bread and Circuses of ancient Rome were the first to recognize the utility of such municipal entertainments whereby malcontents would be distracted from the barricade, miscreants punished, and those otherwise tempted to violate the peace of the community, deterred.
Nor to be be overlooked, is a shovel ready stimulus to the Big Apple's faltering revenues through the sale of seats - those nearest the scaffold easily competing with Broadway's scalped ticket prices; picture post cards, beer and hot dogs hawked throughout the show for the always ravenous and discounted skeins of wool and knitting needles for anyone haunted by the sentimental recall of Mme. Defarge. An automatic refund to the naturally squeamish; likewise to the fans of Rocky Horror, Alice Cooper etc. should the perfomance not live up to their grosser expectations.
Franchises available.

Apr. 22 2009 06:31 PM
Dave and Jon Zornow from Nyack, NY and NYC

Federal prosecutors, working in conjunction with the Treasury Department, have arranged a plea bargain with Bernard Madoff, the convicted felon whose fancy financial footwork cost investors billions of dollars. Madoff will see an early release from prison and will complete his sentence doing community service as director of the Social Security Administration.

The undersecretary for the Bureau of Retirement On Key Entitlements says the former head of NASDAQ brings unique qualifications to the job. “We’re in bad shape," says Les Funds. "By 2017, Social Security will be paying out more than we take in. We need someone with a ‘magic touch’ to grow the system while still allowing us to burn the candle at both ends.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says that putting Madoff in charge of Social Security is either a publicity stunt or a good example of government learning from the private sector. Bloomberg told WNYC’s radio audience last January that “Madoff's isn't the biggest ponzi scheme ever. – that’s social security." When asked to comment on today’s announcement, Bloomberg rolled his eyes and said he’s running out of political parties to quit.

Apr. 22 2009 06:27 PM
James K. Riley from Pearl River, New York

Representatives of the Strenbrenner family, who control the 1000 year lease on the new municipal baseball stadium, were in conference with representatives of the Internal Revenue Service and the United States Treasury.

Well, they state, our proposal is a fundamentally sound one—good for the revenue stream of the IRS and the United States Treasury and good for the revenue stream of our beloved Bankee’s baseball team. Here’s the scoop.

We, Bankee baseball, Ltd., will set aside some typical first base line and third base line seats and designate those sections as “Platinum seating”. We will charge $5,000. per game for each of these seats—a traditional box will be $20,000 per game. Of course,
not bad pickings.

But, even better, here’s our real plan: after each game, we will supply IRS and Treasury with photographs of the individuals who sat in those seats together with their names and personal data. Then, you can then grab them—with prices like those, we all know that anyone who would buy such a baseball ticket is either a tax cheat or a T.A.R.P. recipient.

Oh yeah, of course,the Strenbrenner family gets 20% of all amounts recovered.

Bankee baseball. The tradition continues…

Apr. 22 2009 06:07 PM
Alison Wight from Long Island City

If Not Now, When?

We are repeatedly told that worrying is unproductive, but these are difficult times. Rather than do what feels right, are we not better served by first considering every imaginable outcome of each possible alternative, precluding any mistakes? In confusing times, shouldn't we do only what we are certain of?

I may be in a car someday that crashes into water. If that happens I will be pleased to remember that I checked wikipedia a few times to learn the proper means of escape, that I read the first paragraph and left it open so that I wouldn't forget to finish it.

If we think everything through ahead of time, hopefully we will be prepared to remember the conclusion we sort of came to when and if the situation actually arises.

Completely considering, or meaning to consider, every action is the only sane way to deal with whatever exactly is happening right now.

When in doubt, worry. In this time of frugality, it is the one thing we cannot afford to skimp on.

Apr. 22 2009 06:01 PM
James K. Riley from Pearl River, New York

Hear ye, the Supreme Court is now in session on the matter of Samarra Smith v. Snafu School District of Arizona.

Chief Justice Robert Johns: Mr. Wolf. Please proceed with your argument against the school district.

Mr. Wolf: What we have here…is an outrageous, unconstitutional strip search of an adolescent female by school authorities seeking a single ibuprofen tablet.

Chief Roberts: The court wishes to know whether this search involves a traditional brassiere or an uplift brassiere and is the brand of consequence?

Mr. Right: As school district, I must note that a traditional type of bra can hold more drugs than an uplift bra!

Mr. Wolf: I must emphasize that the real issue, in this case, your honor, is not the brassiere but “crotching”.

Justice Steven Paul: Crocheting, are we speaking of crocheting? They can crochet drugs now. I knew they could home brew methamphetamine but I didn’t know that they could crochet drugs.

Justice Ruth Gator Binsburg: (Aside to Justice Stevens, but almost shouting) Crotching! They are talking about crotching drugs! Not crocheting drugs! (Even somewhat louder) They say she had the drugs in her underpants, in her panties!

Justice Steven Paul: What will they think of next?

Apr. 22 2009 05:22 PM
ana ivas from manhattan

GOOGLE ME!

I had to move into another language
Mine was too small too poor too lazy
Too beautiful but self-destructive
In an old-fashioned romantic way
The words grew to fight with each other
And die on cyber battle fields
Defeated by the God of Internet
And the American Dream always reborn
Out of the ash of our daily nightmares
Google me! Google me!
Everyone I know googles me now
Google is my proof that I exist
I think therefore I am?
No. I have a website therefore I am.
www.IluvObama2.com
So why do I need to move at all?
Why do I need to travel?
There’s a McDonalds on my block in Bucharest
There’s a cinema with Hollywood movies
two blocks away
I’ve got a laptop a DVD player an American
Dishwasher,
Everything is fine
Global Movers I don’t need you
I’ll just stay here
In my small Romanian apartment.
I’ll google everything and everybody
I’ll live a full life
In English without subtitles
And I’ll never move
I’ll never talk
I'll twitter and facebook everyday
I'll spend vacations on e-bay
No blame no shame
But a funny screen name
Like PulitzerBarbie or SuperCoolWormArt
or just: Bankruptcy-a-fresh-start

Apr. 22 2009 05:20 PM
Linda Cohen from New Jersey

Man lights up a cigarette at the Pearly Gates:

God: There's no smoking up here.
man: Whadya kidding me?
God: I don't kid around.
man: I thought this was eternal bliss, what the hell?
God: Where's there's smoke there's fire.
man: Okay, okay, gotcha, I'll put it out now, don't do anything in haste!
God: That's not how I work. I've given you a lifetime to make a choice.
man: Got any stop smoking aids?
God: It's cold turkey up here!
man: Wow, if only I had...
God: Free will, my son, free will.

Apr. 22 2009 05:01 PM
Tess Richardson from Brooklyn, New York

Reality versus fantasy came to life when the Somalian Pirates held the crew hostage aboard a US ship. What was different that weekend? They were pirates in pure form, were they not? Their lives of piracy so entrenched in robbery, vadalism, and reckless danger. Why are we, the American public outraged or even profoundly surprised?

Were their actions any different - do we need to actually see the Captain pirate ensemble in tartar genie pants, bandana, vest, nose and ear piercing, and should we forget an Adonis man who makes for good eye candy. A darn shame! Maybe he did not look appealing in appearance to stop political mutiny.

It's possible the captain and his crew never possessed the ideal qualities to prevent death. He never disposed any crewmen whom were toothless, or had a false eye? Or a dwarf, or a monkey or two running around creating chaos. Maybe a woman on their team would've had wanton effect; given large breasts, a size 22 waistline, with hair curls tousled under a big feathered hat that had the vintage appeal. Maybe!

Fact is, we are exposed to them everyday, only difference is they are land pirates.

Apr. 22 2009 05:00 PM
Peter Lindhe from Manhattan, NYC ( cell: 917-721-7298 )

Satire Slam by Peter Lindhe (04-22-2009)

The polo ponies died. A Jonestown thing or just an ordinary pharmaceutical mishap? Should have been tested on the polo cats. Want to know more? Go to website. My morning paper stopped coming, so I did. Instantly caught virus. Computer froze. Also wanted to know why the pirate smiled. Is being a pirate foot soldier in Somalia really so bad that working 12-hour shifts in WalMart after a few good years in jail is a step up? Or was a deal made on the way over? Tell us who the guy with the parrot and the wooden stump is. Where is the treasure buried? Our angle will be mistaken identity and a spot on Oprah and The View. Sound goods, Mr. Pan? Dug out my old retired Smithsonian laptop from the dungeon. Wanted to know more. Browser not compatible. FlashPlayer version outdated. Did you hear about the Midnight Gambler? Yet another Boston DeSalvo popped up this week. Did taxes myself on Turbotax, just to check my accountant. Doesn’t work with the dentist. Still don’t know what happened to the ponies. My Sigmund Freud and Jesus action figures are intact, so I’m good.
Welcome to America, Peter Pan.

Apr. 22 2009 04:38 PM
Rachael from Brooklyn

New York April 22, 2009.

The public is leaving Oprah’s book club behind for the less demanding Hugo Chavez “The People’s” book club. Chavez's book club, with hundreds of fewer titles, seems 20 times more influential than the Chicago talk show hostess’s club. An unnamed, temporary, administrative assistant working at Penguin said, “The Exec I support is not taking Oprah’s calls right now. The exec only wants to talk to Chavez. Answer me this. How do I find a head of state’s phone number? And where’s my G-chat time?”

Finding Chavez’s number might not matter much. It seems the major appeal of Chavez’s book club is the small number of titles he recommends. Gail May of Cincinnati comments, "My life is hectic. I love that ‘The People’s’ book club only recommends a book once a decade. Chavez’s club is perfect. I had just finished Noam Chomsky’s book when he suggested Open Veins…”

A crisis might actually be brewing. Some close to Oprah fear she may use her billions to support a Coup in Venezuela. Oprah refuses to lose influence over the world. Will President Obama negotiate a peace between the two parties? The White House hasn’t answered.

Apr. 22 2009 04:29 PM
Philip O'Reilly from Queens, NY

There is a new threat out there that encourages domestic violence called the Brown Beatdown.
This scourge must be stopped.
It goes like this;

Jimmie Brown beats women.
James Brown, when he was around, beat women.
Bobbie Brown beats women.
Now Chris Brown beats women.

What can Brown do for you?

Apr. 22 2009 03:58 PM
Jerry Klein from Manhattan

Dogs understand me. We chat.
At the age of eight a failed effort to bring home to our Brooklyn apartment, my Aunt's garden housed chihuahua was disastrous. Tombthumb thanked me with his slobbering tongue for restoring him to his garden. Ever after, in part to spare myself wet licking, I only communicate with other people's pets.
At issue now is whether Bo Obama will understand my often being left of left and why I joined hands with people last year waving anti-bank and anti-Wall Street banners, proudly hoisting Karl Marx photos and beratiing Paulson for handing tax payer dollars with no oversight to the perpetrators of the economic collapse.
Will he appreciate my signing petitions from Kucinich and Wechsler for the indictment of the cabal that scoffed at the rule of law, endorsed torture, tossed checks and balances out the window, and gave free reign to greed.
Years of writing, emailing and phoning politicians has taught me that even when acknowledged, at times with expressions of agreement, little ever changes. But... now I have a new hope. Bo Obama will be my spokesman, or, inasmuch as I haven't been informed of the Whitehouse's newest occupant's gender, I will observe the political correctness of addressing my new "spokesperson".

Apr. 22 2009 03:50 PM
Tim Moran from Greenpoint

INT. NY TIMES CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A GREY LADY and a weaselly CONSULTANT look over financials.

Consultant: So you owe money all over town and this new building of yours was a big mistake. I think the way to go here is to close the Paris bureau and slash your headline comma budget in half.

Grey: Not the headline commas! Who’s ever heard of a comma-less headline!

Consultant: Before you stroke out, I’ve invited an expert from a more financially viable news operation across the way to talk strategy.

Diminutive MR. POHST enters, wearing a threadbare suit and a Yankees cap. He wields a megaphone.

Pohst: PRES BAM! MAYOR MIKE! LOHAN LOHAN!

Consultant: Great idea! Don’t you think, Grey?

Grey: I don’t understand!

Pohst: BRANGELINA! BILLY BOB! PIRATES!

Grey: Now I really don’t understand.
Consultant: I think what he’s saying is investigative journalism is expensive. Why not just give the people what they want?

Pohst: FREAKIN’ PIRATES!

Grey: My word!

Old Grey’s monocle falls into her teacup. She keels over and dies.

Consultant: Success! Now I can turn this stupid building into the world’s largest climbing gym. What do you think of that, Pohst?

Pohst: A-ROID! A-ROID!

Consultant: Amen!

Apr. 22 2009 03:40 PM
Simon Burk from nyc

'Florida retiree plans to re-enlist.'

77 year old Hallendale resident Harry Weisbrod showed up at the Broward County recruitment office wearing his Korean War metals and ready to go ‘round a second time.

Like many others facing the dismal job market, Weisbrod said the military is now his most realistic option since losing his position at the Ocean Palms Mall information booth.

But Weisbrod explained it’s not about the salary. ‘I’m doing this for my country. And the health benefits. I take 27 pills everyday and only twelve can I get from Canada. Also, my doctors say I need some kind of new heart valve, but Medicare says it’s not required for someone my age.”

Weisbrod admits that his breathing problems mean he won’t be as active in the field as he’d like to be, but he said he’ll be more than happy to look after everyone’s stuff while they’re training, or out on a mission.

As for other skills, Weisbrod offers, ‘The Army pamphlet says that Rangers often go days without a proper meal, I can teach them how to get one at Denny’s for under $8. And with some smart couponing, even get that deal after 5pm.’

Apr. 22 2009 03:01 PM
Barbara Singer from NYC

Motherhood
by Barbara Singer

Oh sacred Goddess of life
Beautiful symbol of birth and never ending love
Woman, you are a giver of life
Woman, you are the mother of us all.

John & Kate Plus Eight
You have brought your brood into the world and onto television.
It is a spiritual journey that the rest of us can only envy.

The Duggars, Eighteen and Counting
You truly embody the reproductive habits of hamsters.

Octomom, you love your kids
And apparently you love calling 911, firing free nursemaids
and shopping book deals and TV shows.

And God said go forth and multiply.
Pimp your offspring out for at least two seasons on cable television.
Write a book about what wonderful parents you are.

Fear not for the little ones.
You are assuring your children’s future in the public eye.
We’ll surely be seeing them on Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks and Maury.

So turn the lights down low, put on some romantic music and get busy.
For God said sweeps are approaching.

Apr. 22 2009 02:17 PM
Rob J from Bronx, New York

“Like Sarah P., God Has a Plan for Me”
Say “God has a plan for me,” and everyone gets nasty.

Big Sister: “big deal—God had a plan for the Cylons, and they’re evil robots.” Maybe he has a plan for robots, but he has no plans for my sister. Unless bad hair is part of it.

My friend Marco said he doubted God had a plan for a loser like me. If He did, it was a bad one. Marco’s an atheist, ergo, no plan for Marco. God’s attitude toward Marco is “screw him.”

For me, God has blue prints. God’s put people in my path to annoy me towards greatness. People like my Super. Can envy be part of God’s plan? You bet. Doubt that? You may be part of His plan, because you’re annoying me, spurring me on.

Don’t get enthused: you still don’t have a plan yourself. But God’s keeping you in mind, as part of my plan. That’s better than nothing.

Many Hollywood stars think God has a plan for them, but they replace “God” with L.Ron Hubbard. As proof, they point out how rich they are. They’re a special case. God has a plan for them. But they aren’t going to like it.

Apr. 22 2009 02:12 PM
Joseph Ramek M.D. (Satire Slam) from Lawrence, NY

As we await the results of the bank stress tests, New Yorkers wonder whether we are not looking up the wrong orifice. The economic outlook for our doormen, dog walkers, nominal masseuses, and campaign finance chairmen depends more on a bankers' stress test.

This generation of bankers and other income and asset elites expresses patriotism in its own way. They no longer send their children to die in the wars they engineer and market. They pay taxes haltingly and only because of imperfect loopholes. Instead, patriotism has become an indulgence of appetites for the outsized and exotic, all, of course, for the common good.

Contracting bonuses and compensation and increased expenses for criminal defense counsel are among the threats to that portion of our GDP dependent on the elites' intakes and emissions. A bankers' stress test would show to what extent New York's economy can still depend on their compulsion to own, eat, influence, and screw.

Apr. 22 2009 01:58 PM
Justin Courter from Queens, NY

I live in New York City because I like people. Lots of people. People so comfortable around me as it’s if they’ve known me all my life. On the subway I feel like we’re back in the schoolyard together—they shove me. The things complete strangers say are as intimate as the things my father said around the house just before he moved out.

Some complain that the apartments here are too small, but they are overlooking the fact that New York is always teaching you things. For example, my apartment has room for a television set, from which I learned that the human body is mostly water. This might be surprising if you don’t live in New York, where humans constantly coat the sidewalks with effluents.

People say that “there’s no wildlife.” But life gets pretty wild in the wee hours, when no one on the streets is sober. They say “the cost of living is too high.” Ha, ha! I say, and then walk away because I don’t want to talk to them anymore. I just keep walking and laughing all the way to the bank, where I withdraw my last forty dollars to take a cab home.

Apr. 22 2009 01:49 PM
Michael Antonoff from Manhattan

(Stage direction: read while running in place while operating an iPod touch)

I’m running as fast as I can along 34th Street chasing a bus spilling Wi-Fi to people like me who traded an iPhone for an iPod touch to save $70 a month.

I depend on the kindness of strangers’ Wi-Fi.

I must download my email before the bus reaches the tunnel.

Why is that dude sitting on a box offering to polish my shoes? Can’t he see I’m in a hurry?

I keep finger on screen, eye on finger.

No! I must maintain eyes ahead to navigate the obstacle of legions lined up for a crack at America’s Got Talent.

I go around a team of hip-hop performers who gotta dance before the audition.

I swerve to avoid the extended arms of someone pushing cat food and coupons.

I pray that a double-parked truck slow my on-ramp to all things digital.

Oh, no! The light is changing. I leap the curb, nearly colliding with a cop who glares and screams jerk!

The bus is gone, but I’m ecstatic. Fifty messages are stowed. I catch my breath. I scroll through the list and sigh. As usual, it’s all spam.

Apr. 22 2009 01:47 PM
Marv Rubinstein from Greenwich Village, NYC

CAN’T-OR WON’T
by Marv Rubinstein

Representative Eric Cantor’s family name comes from an ancestor’s profession. A Cantor is a Jewish official who leads the musical portion of the service. It derives from Latin canere, to sing, the same root. as “chant.” But Eric can’t decide whether he wishes to emphasize can’tor won’t. Or perhaps just “cant,” monotonous talk filled with platitudes.

Eric Cantor is full of contradictions. His wife Diana claims she had never previously met a Jewish Republican. Yes, Virginia, there are Jewish Republicans, but very few poor Jewish Republicans. More contradictions: she supports gay marriage and abortions, both political anathema to him. She is an executive of a bank which received $267,000,000. in bailout money. He voted against the bailout. When Congress attempted to curb bank executive salaries, he voted “Present.”

Cantor strongly opposes profanity,but his campaign committee doctored a union commercial and re-issued it on You Tube filled with obscenities and curses. He strongly opposes dividing Jerusalem, but politically encourages dividing Washington.

A Cantor is a religious singer, but Eric Cantor’s most popular secular song emphasizes “No, no, a thousand times no; I’d rather die than say yes.”

Apr. 22 2009 01:08 PM
Joe Maynard from Brooklyn, NY 11238

Miss (<--crossed out...) MY USA

I'm a California girl from a college on the shore
I say what I think, and I don't think much more
I react to my coaches, my producers and such
& stuff learned in church is my ethical crutch

I gave a good shot at the Miss USA
I said what I thought they wanted me to say
Then I looked to the left and I looked to that gay
and became a spokesperson for MY USA

Now Obama and I sometimes share a bed
We admire Rick Warren and the states' guiding hand
Our esteemed ideals of marriage and love
are compatable up to a point, 'cept I'm whiter and blonde

(Obama's strange concept of democracy
although he believes one thing he lets others be free
I say, they're just sinning, cuz MY Bible says so
The Lord God don't marry a beau to a beau)

So let your self go and come, follow me
I'm the conscience you tell yourself that you'd like to see
If Palin was cute, but a little too old
Here's me in a bikini, now make me your gov

Apr. 22 2009 01:07 PM
Jay from Manhattan

To rescue the deficit-laden MTA, state legislators have been looking to additional sources of funding like new bridge tolls, taxi surcharges and higher auto registration fees. The general idea is that the burden of supporting the agency should also be borne by car users who indirectly benefit from a public transit system.

But our politicians are woefully short-sighted. The MTA is a bloated organization managed by incompetent patronage appointments, and will continue to be so. Soaking those who use automobile transportation won’t be sufficient to close the deficit.

Clearly, the state needs a broader rescue bill that taxes all nonpublic transportation. For starters, a wheel tax imposed on bicyclists and scooter operators in the 12-county area could raise millions.

Some commuters will start walking to work and school because they can’t afford the new bus and subway fares. Well, excise taxes on shoe repair and new footwear will recapture that lost revenue, and then some.

One particularly rich source of revenue: in-line skaters. They would be subject to both the wheel tax and the footwear tax. Of course, to get a majority of legislators onboard, a portion of Rollerblader revenue could be diverted to renovate dilapidated skating rinks upstate.

Apr. 22 2009 01:03 PM
Anita Pulier from New York, New York, New York

Lyrics, Music and Imagery for:

Recyclin' Blues

at:

http://www.psymeet.com/recycling/

Apr. 22 2009 12:51 PM
Marv Rubinstein from Greenwich Village, NYC

CAN’T-OR WON’T
by Marv Rubinstein

Representative Eric Cantor’s family name comes from an ancestor’s profession. A Cantor is a Jewish official who leads the musical portion of the service. It derives from Latin canere, to sing, the same root. as “chant.” But Eric can’t decide whether he wishes to emphasize can’tor won’t. Or perhaps just “cant,” monotonous talk filled with platitudes.

Eric Cantor is full of contradictions. His wife Diana claims she had never previously met a Jewish Republican. Yes, Virginia, there are Jewish Republicans, but very few poor Jewish Republicans. More contradictions: she supports gay marriage and abortions, both political anathema to him. She is an executive of a bank which received $267,000,000. in bailout money. He voted against the bailout. When Congress attempted to curb bank executive salaries, he voted “Present.”

Cantor strongly opposes profanity,but his campaign committee doctored a union commercial and re-issued it on You Tube filled with obscenities and curses. He strongly opposes dividing Jerusalem, but politically encourages dividing Washington.

A Cantor is a religious singer, but Eric Cantor’s most popular secular song emphasizes “No, no, a thousand times no; I’d rather die than say yes.”

Apr. 22 2009 12:48 PM
Daniel from Manhattan

The two best kept secrets of the Industrialization are not credit cards and water pollution. Please be Masonic and contain shock and awe after this revelation:

* Switzerland makes the greatest timepieces and
* The Race Industry made the flat world round.

Time’s changed; however, watches haven’t.

The UN Conference on racism in Geneva had the punctuality of synchronized swimming; cueing Israel's observation of Holocaust with Hitler's birthday. The Swiss and their perfect timing!

Iran's Ahmadinejad accused Israel of racism against Palestine; he said this jealously because, although he hates the Jewish nation he cannot oppress them. His hate economy is in a recession.

Upright nations boycotted this conference. Who can blame them or fail to color them yellow in hope?
* Israel boycotted because they refuse to acknowledge self-hate in the face and Ahmadinejad seems anti-Semitic.
* USA, because lynching didn't stop a colored man from becoming president;
* Germany, because Hitler died a long-hand time ago;
* Italy, because fascism is bad taste;
* Australia, because everyone is tanning about the same color;
* Netherlands, because they've always valued exploitation over eradication;
It’s not clear why Canada, Poland or New Zealand boycotted.

Don't they know what time-—is?

Apr. 22 2009 12:44 PM
Mara from East Coast

Religion – can we Ever get enough of it?
I’m talking, of course, of conservative, fundamentalist, God-fearing, Devil-hating, sin-fighting, good, old-fashioned religion! And yet, our wrathful, indignant, vengeance-seeking, smiting, perpetually enraged, deeply offended Lord and God, the Supreme Ruler of Us ALL, just doesn’t hold sway, as much, anymore in schools, homes and (most importantly) our government! Investigating this woeful calamity, I carefully grilled a minor, lower-level demon regarding our increasingly unsaved world (don’t worry - my interview was Divinely Inspired):

Me: Hellish Spawn of Satan, you’re a tad smug about abortion rights, gay rights, and the fact that America now has a leader who gives highly intelligent speeches, and behaves like an adult, instead of a truculent, psychotic ten year old who never mastered speech class. This Devilish success worries me greatly!

Demon: Hey, you should thank me, holy person.

Me: What For, you hell-loving cretin of depravity?!?

Demon: Because I’m getting everyone Rapture-Ready! In fact, we godless fiends only need a few more weeks of sins-spiration to really Bring It On!

Me: Oh, goody! Bring on the sin!! Thank Our Dear Lord In Heaven For All This Sin!!!

Apr. 22 2009 12:36 PM
Cole Smithey from Manhattan


Fighter Pilot (185 words)
By Cole Smithey

I'm one of the Navy fighter pilots that rocked the great state of New York on 9/11. At 6:59 AM my crew was scrambled to fly our six
Boeing F/A-18E Super Hornets, along with ten other squads, to perform some aerial escorting for eleven hijacked commercial aircraft. Good thing the coffee was hot. In six minutes flat we were in Outrigger formation around our target. At the controls was a young Asian kid--must've been about ten-years-old. No matter. My squad was flying his plane now. Those boats are slow as molasses. Nothing I love better than pulling tight formation. I was on the left of the American Airlines plane--36 inches from the tip of my wing to his windshield. Kip was right-side. Tom and Jon had the wings--Berl on top--Ringo stuck at the bottom. As usual.

By the time we escorted the plane down safely at Langley, the other ten squads were waiting for us. "Damn it," I thought--my guys would have to buy beer for sixty other guys that night. At least the coffee was still hot.
-30-

Apr. 22 2009 12:13 PM
Tony Fradkin from Rutherford NJ

A couple of years ago while applying to do some freelance work at a design studio, I was asked to submit a bio. Needless to say, I didn’t get the gig.

My Bio, Part One by Tony Fradkin

A half of century ago, under a waxing moon the color of a red opal, a breath was rendered; first as a gasp, then a howl, announcing the arrival of the first male offspring of the New York clan known by the name of Montroski (soon to be legally changed to Fradkin). At last, a proud lineage would propagate! The six webbed toes on the wrinkled stub of the boy’s left foot foretold a future destined to greatness in the world of graphic design. Dogs and small animals gravitated to the boy. As did tutors who relished the opportunity to interpret the patterns the golden child’s drooling would render on his socks and shoes as he battled to keep his head up right. Years passed. The path was obvious. He liked pretty things! Hubcaps, band-aids found at the bottom of swimming pools, hair in his food. It was time to head off to art school to draw cartoons. Sketchbook after sketchbook followed, Smeared and ink splattered with a crosshatch shading technique that rivaled Goya… the boy (now half a man) flew into the world of graphic design to pay the rent, and to support his drug and alcohol habit. The world was at his feet! The giants of advertising, publishing, and the fine arts were all at his beck and call. Pablo Picasso may have never been called an asshole, but the boy man was! “Fool, this sucks” he was chastised again and again! But our hero knew better, the vision, always on a higher plane, the shoe on his left foot, always too tight, forced our valiant hero to pursue a path that was of a purer and nobler. Of course he languished, hunger knocking at the door. Three little ducklings to feed! What to do! When would the world catch up?

Apr. 22 2009 12:12 PM
Linda Cohen from New Jersey

A beautiful day in New York City, I sat on a park bench to quietly eat my lunch. Could have eaten anywere as CEO of a major corporation. No paparazzi in sight, I removed my sandwich from a brown paper bag in my briefcase. Suddenly caught off guard, a man approached. No camera, no microphone, what did he want?
"Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
"Because I like it," I said.
"Out of work, are ya?"
"Actually, I'm CEO of a major corporation, in that building over there."
"Right, like they don't have an executive suite or betcha you can afford to eat in any restaurant!"
"They do, I could, but I like peanut butter and jelly and it's my secret."
"Bet you took your kid's lunch by mistake and you don't have any money. You're wearing the suit because you're looking for work. It's okay buddy, we're all in the same boat!"
"Actually, I have loads of money. I like peanut butter and jelly. Now that I've told you that I have loads of money, are you going to rob me?"
"Kind of, give me your sandwich!"

Apr. 22 2009 12:11 PM
Al from Marine Park from Brooklyn

Being suspicious of Obama’s recent extensive foreign travels (Why not have Hillary do it?), I hacked into his blackberry and found the following question posted to “Ask Jeeves” on January 21:

Obama: “Where are the best bowling coaches?”

Jeeves*: “Dudley Doe – Canada; Geoffrey Dough – England; Pierre Deau – France; Johann Doo – Germany; Vaclav Do – Czech Republic; Mustafa Dó – Turkey; Abdul Doe – Iraq; Derek Doe – Trinidad; José Doe – Mexico”

*[names changed to preserve privacy]

Also listed was a Chinese coach, but this was Bo Ling, a ping-pong coach; hence, no trip to China.

Alas, none of these would do. The English, Canadian and Trinidadian coaches specialized in the British game of bowls, where the object is to roll large balls close to a small ball. The French coach specialized in pétanque, a similar game. The rest were righties and of no use to our lefty prexy.

So, Obama has taken it on his own to just throw the ball straight down the center of the lane. As every experienced bowler knows, this will usually result in a split with, perhaps, one or two more pins on the left than on the right and a wide, unbridgeable gap between them.

Apr. 22 2009 12:05 PM
AW from Long Island

While relaxing on my sofa and eating a Boca Burger, I followed the news of Archbishop Timothy Egan giving communion during his Mass of Installation at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on television. As I chewed, I pondered, “Are there Vatican approved meatless Body of Christ alternatives?” They have tofu turkeys right- Tofurkeys, how about a Tofu Jesus- A Tofesus. (I can’t believe it’s not Jesus)

After all, Archbishop Dolan has stated that his goals include reaching out to alienated Catholics, as well as to increase the number of Catholics who attend Mass. A variety of communion offerings might be a good start.

Another area the Archbishop could explore is the bible, more specifically, the modernization of scripture so that the 21st Century consumer can better relate to it. I would begin with the miracles of Jesus:

Old- Turning Water into Wine
New- Turning your used car into CASH!

Old- Cleansing of a Leper
New- Cleansing of a Leper with Scrubbing Bubbles

Old-Withering the Fig Tree
New- Withering the Fig Newton

Old- The Raising of Lazarus
New-The Lowering of Lazarus’s LDL cholesterol with Lipitor

Old- Healing the Man with Dropsy
New- Painting Without a Drop Cloth

Apr. 22 2009 12:04 PM
Andrew Russel Coates from Berwick, PA

I dredge a region of the local stream,
Looking for gold, finding banana cream.
But in that crick I dutifully stand:
One primitive douche bag, invisible,
With poverty and ignorance all planned.

Apr. 22 2009 11:56 AM
TH from brooklyn

From the desk of Norberto Worm, FAA

I’m afraid there will no longer be flying birds. They wanted to eliminate birds in general, when I had the idea that they could just walk around and it might be alright. So, until there are overwhelming statistics disclosed from a confidential database saying the walking birds are causing trouble, I think they should be fine.

I was not able to save the Geese. They dug their grave on January 15th when Capt. Sully landed in the Hudson River. So, well – we are currently rounding them up and we need your help. In an effort to expedite the process, the government has created a Cash for Geese Incentive Program. For every Goose brought in you will receive twenty dollars. We will be accepting Geese for enrollment in Project Sully on the first Tuesday of the next three months because it is only as a Goose-less nation that we will rid ourselves of the mounting danger and increased risk of disaster every time we step on a plane. Grab a Goose and help us reach across the aisle – whether you’re seat 14c or 14e, you’ll be grabbing hands in friendship, no longer in fear.

Apr. 22 2009 11:51 AM
Flavio Bollag from Smithtown, NY

U.S. House of Representatives has begun voting on HR 9876 – the Occupational Naming Ordinance. According to congressional leadership, this law will require all citizens to adopt official surnames on their passports, “real IDs” and driver’s licenses that correspond to their profession, following the lead of Joe the Plumber.

Among the bill’s many benefits, it will now be easier than ever to stereotype Americans based on their income, it will be easier for the media to identify plumbers whom they wish to interview on foreign relations, economic recovery plans, and quantum mechanics, and it will be easier for average Americans to identify the object of their ire: Wall Street financiers. It is expected that Joe the risk-loving Hedge-Fund Manager will be among America’s least popular names.

Further benefits include greater efficiency at the unemployment line, in casting reality TV shows, and aligning facebook and twitter groups.

Some historians are already celebrating a return to the medieval tradition of deriving names from family members and trades, thereby simplifying the challenge if identifying historical figures significantly.

Not surprisingly, far-leftist liberals, socialists, and bleeding-heart academics are flocking to the quickly growing “Nemo Cities” anonymity rules, and everyone barters for their food, shelter, and healthcare.

Apr. 22 2009 11:51 AM
William Betz from Port Washington, NY

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, one year after claiming on 60 Minutes that torture of detainees in the "War on Terror" is not a violation of the Eighth Amendment's ban on "cruel and unusual punishment" because, in his view, "punishment" can only be imposed by court order, today also claimed that it has not been judicially established that the treatment described in the recently released torture memos is "cruel" and, since it's been used so frequently, it's certainly not "unusual." Therefore, in his view, waterboarding, head-bashing, stress positioning, forced nudity, humiliation, dog snarling and insect biting "all pass constitutional muster."

Apr. 22 2009 11:49 AM
Dimitri from Park Slope, Brooklyn

Message from Earth 2009

Dear citizens of the future, other planets and galaxies!

Greetings to you! This message is being written to you from 2009 in the 21st century. We live in the United States, in New York. You might be glad you were born in the future, that you can learn so much from our glorious past.

You probably ask, who were those people, who were so careless about leaving all those dead satellites littering space, all that plastic and metal garbage in the ocean, chopped off and denuded mountain tops, clogged rivers, and oil, coal and uranium extraction scars everywhere. The antique plastic coat hangers, cell phones and toothbrushes from the Plastics Age are still everywhere. Please accept our deepest apologies

How did this “most odious and pernicious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the face of the earth” get out to the rest of the universe, you may ask? Nature made our species smart enough to build rocket ships to conquer the stars, but warlike so we’d continually fight and destroy our home planet, making it unfit for habitation. That’s a brief idea of how we got here, fellow citizens of the universe.

Apr. 22 2009 11:44 AM
Amitai from New York

Harry Cash Needy
186 words

My name
is Harry
Cash Needy,
allegedly
of Armenian
descent, but
in actuality
a recession-era
baby.

When I
popped out
of my mom’s
belly the
economy
crashed.

McCain
did a big
to-do
and so
did my
aunties
and uncles
in Congress.

A bunch of
publicans
wanted me
circumcised,
but luckily
Obama won.

I’m suckled
back to
health with
TARP money.
and call
Treasury
Secretary
Timothy
Gaithner
Mom.

My dirty
diapers
are converted
into treasury
bills and
sold to
China.

My poop
Is good too--
it’s given
away by
Secretary
Clinton
to passing
dignitaries.

I’m justified
in spirit,
not the flesh,
and believe
that I’ll
never be
circumcised,
not even
if Pakistan
loses control
of its nukes,
Iran goes
nuclear,
Afghanistan
proves to be
a sinkhole
of blood
and treasure,
the dollar
plummets
to new lows,
and North
Korea
blackmails
Japan.

A lot
wrong can
happen,
but when
I wear
my bib
I’m happy.

I eat crushed
banana
with yogurt,
and GM
lubricates
its machinery
with my
drool.

I’m Harry
Cash Needy,
and I’m
the promise
of America.

Apr. 22 2009 11:33 AM
RCT from NYC

ENTRY SHORTENED TO CONFORM TO 200 WORD LIMIT:

Low ratings have led former Bush Administration officials to suggest water-boarding as an Olympic event.

"We are in recession," maintained one official, "and the economic downturn has devastated the communications industry. Nothing in the rules prevents the IOC from adding a waterboarding event to spice up the games."

Highly-placed sources confirmed that the IOC has agreed to include waterboarding between the marathon and sand volleyball and employ “extraordinary rendition” to draft marathon losers as “interrogees.” The gold medal would be awarded to the team that most rapidly persuaded its interrogee to confess to kidnapping Judge Crater.

"What an idea!" enthused VP Dick Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed resort in Aspen, CO. "We’ll show everyone that America means business, and improve business besides." "There are alot of people who like to see losers pushed around,” agreed Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, "We'll nail those slowpokes to the floor and wash 'em down. That'll bring in viewers, and advertisers will follow."

Concerns that Olympic waterboarding might breach international law were dismissed by Bush appointee, Judge Jay Bybee. "Nonsense" he scoffed, "How can it be illegal if everyone is doing it?"

The IOC declined to comment and denied rumors that its members had been waterboarded.

Apr. 22 2009 11:29 AM
Teddy Wayne from New York

FROM: The Secretary of Education
To: Congress

Due to plummeting graduation rates, declining test scores, and a spike in plagiarized essays on "The Scarlet Letter," confidence in the public school system has cratered.

We must act with a comprehensive $787 billion bailout package. The public school system is too big to flunk.

The plan would commence several construction-paper projects to put idle kindergarteners to work. To stabilize the reward scheme, elementary schools will switch to the gold-star standard. The government will assume 90% of red-ink losses.

An advisor critical of the plan remarks, “We are losing sight of the ideals of Horace Mann,” referring not to the 19th-century education reformer and proponent of public funding for schools, but the Horace Mann School in Riverdale, which charges tuition of $30,830.

The advisor also warned that the bailout will encourage abuse by “Pedagogy Princes” who “roll up to school in their brand-new Saf-T-Liner C2 school buses for free breakfast handouts.”

There is no textbook on how to deal with a crisis of these proportions. Well, there is, but we have no room in the budget for textbooks.

I will be out of the office for Parents’ Day at the Sidwell Friends School.

Apr. 22 2009 11:26 AM
dan kendall from harlem

Thank god, and also thanks and co-credit to the totally impersonal disembodied randomness of the cosmos, the vitriolic culture wars are behind us. No where is this monumental clearing of the air more apparent than on that grand mobile slab of American political expression: the automobile bumper; on which the post-partisan era is fully in evidence. Some examples from around our great nation:

1. seen in Troy, MI. My other car is an SUV but I commute by bicycle on wednesdays

2. Amherst, MA. Legalize It (marijuana)! Repeal It! (the oppressive death tax)

3. Tucson, AZ. Save Darfur! Plus no fat chicks and feminazis!

4. Plano, TX. Raise the age for social security benefits to 70 and also reform energy policy to incentivize renewable technology!

5. Iowa City, IA. LGBT's against immigration!

6. Springfield, IL. Proud parent of an honor student who supports illegal wiretapping and increased stem cell research

7. Iowa City, IA. LGBT's against immigration!

8. San Francisco, CA. Abortion is murder but raising top marginal tax rates makes economic sense and is not contrary to scripture. Plus NO FAT GUYS!

9. Jacksonville, FL. Nuke Iran, Free Tibet!

10. Malibu, CA. Surfboarders for waterboarding!

Apr. 22 2009 11:06 AM
Manuel Macarrulla from Brooklyn, New York.

My entry is the title of a painting I made in 1984. President Reagan had invaded Grenada just before Halloween, in 1983, and the event inspired me to make that picture. I used the form of the dedication to the King James Bible as the basis of the title.

"All-hallows Eve ceremony for the coronation of His Excellency, Ronald Reagan, by the grace of God ruler of all North, Central, and South America, etc., Peacekeeper, and defender of the ideals of American Democracy."

Apr. 22 2009 10:50 AM
Tom Riordan from South Orange, NJ

He has narcissistic features,
somewhat compulsive,
wrestling with how to determine who is an innocent.
Kneeling on the floor
with his fingers resting on the wall,
he displays excellent self-discipline.

Interrogator invades the individual's personal space.
Grasping the individual with both hands,
interrogator pulls the individual forward
then quickly and firmly
pushes the individual into the wall.
One open palm is placed on either
side of the individual's face.
Fingertips are kept well away from the individual's eyes.
Interrogator slaps the face
with fingers slightly spread.
The hand makes contact with the area
directly between the tip of the individual's chin
and bottom of the corresponding earlobe.

Placement of the individual in a confined space
sitting on the floor with legs extended.
Individual's feet are generally elevated,
hands raised above his head.
The confined space is usually dark.
You also would like to introduce an insect.
Cloth is placed over the forehead and eyes.
Water is then applied to the cloth in a controlled manner.
The cloth is lowered until it covers both the nose and mouth.

These procedures could be used in a course of escalating conduct.
No psychosis, loosening of thoughts, flattening of emotions, delusions, or paranoid ideas.

Apr. 22 2009 10:39 AM
Michael Miller from New York

It's a beautiful Sunday morning in Anytown, Vermont. The borad of directors of the First Presbyterian Church are meeting after services for their monthly meeting.

George is talking to the group "yes, that is what I heard from Ann". You know, she owns Ann's Realty. Yea, she was telling me that a doughy white male " from the previous administration", he added the air-quotes, and a dark skinned male with a Cajun accent came into her office on Thursday looking for a small one bedroom apartment.

Bobby added that a woman dressed in jeans, boots, plaid flannel shirt with a pronounced Adams apple and an eye-patch stopped by the local VFW looking to get information about renting the hall for a bachelor party.

"That's it" exploded Dick, slamming his hand on the table. I knew this would happen the minute the veto was overridden. "Those people will be flooding into our state now" he whispered.

Everyone stared at Dick. "Those people", George barely uttered.

"Yea, those pleople" Dick repeated, "you know - conservative Republicans".

Apr. 22 2009 10:21 AM
JRB from New Jersey

For his 2009 reelection campaign, Michael Bloomberg has hired the best Democratic and Republican political consultants the country has to offer.

But when you’re Mike Bloomberg, you only settle for the best. Which is why the billionaire Mayor has put some of his fortune toward reanimating the top political operatives from history.

For example: Mark Hanna, the Republican whiz who steered William McKinley to huge victories at the conclusion of the 19th Century was spotted chained to a wall at Bloomberg headquarters, staggering mindlessly and lurching at passersby.

“Just a prototype,” said one of several mad scientists on the Bloomberg payroll, all of whom wish to remain anonymous as to not disrupt their eventual plans for global domination. “He’s kind of a zombie, but every once in a while he mumbles something intelligible about opposing ‘Free Silver.’”

Seeking a partisan balance, Bloomberg also resurrected William Marcy “Boss” Tweed, last seen wagging a cigar at the Mayor, saying, “We send the ward bosses to the docks, the chicken pluckin’ factories, the fisticuff matches—we find ‘em and register ‘em.”

In an internal power-grab, Tweed recently expanded his campaign role from chief organizer to head of the cartooning department, staffed by Thomas Nast.

Apr. 22 2009 10:10 AM
Zachary Haynes from East Village


Source: Captured Somali Pirate To Face Trial In N.Y.

by The Associated Press

When told, the pirate Abduhl Wal-i-Musi had tears in his eyes, saying “America, it’s a dream come true.”

Officials decided to send him to trial in New York because the FBI handled Muslim suspects in both World Trade Center attacks; therefore the entire Muslim world falls under their jurisdiction.

The government had been weighing whether to bring the suspect to trial in the United States or hand him over to authorities in Kenya , which has an international agreement to sell American arms to Somali warlords…and pirates.

U.S. authorities have been examining Wal-i-Musi's age. Initially, he was thought to be between 16 years and 20 years of age, but Defense Secretary Robert Gates later said of the FBI: “We have techniques for finding out that sort of thing…[GURGLE, GURGLE, GURGLE] Yep, all four of the pirates involved were definitely between ages 17 and 19.”

Madonna has indicated some interest in adoption, since it’s not subject to African laws, and Disney reportedly is hoping to bolster two franchises at once with the hybrid: “Wal-I, Pirate of the Gulf of Aden ”

Apr. 22 2009 10:01 AM
Rich Fontana from Yorktown Heights, NY

I haven’t done enough. The planet is boiling. It’s time for me to take a stand. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start recycling emails. No, I’ve got to go beyond that: I’m going to recycle text messages, voice mails, Facebook entries and even Tweets. For the first time in my life, I’m going to make a difference.

I figure if I send an email I’ve previously sent to someone else to someone, I’m conserving brain power. Forget about the fact that the person who is getting the email has no idea what I’m talking about. The important thing is, I’m saving brain power, which means I can get by on less calories, which means I can eat less food and drink less water, and am doing my part against the environmental scourge that comes with the production of food and the looming threat of peak water. No more chicken runoff for me. In one year, If I recycle 100 emails a day, I might be able to get by on 1//2 ounce less of beef in my quarter pounder. In 20 years, I might even save a whole meal. Wait, I can do more—I can start refurbishing old emails…

Apr. 22 2009 09:56 AM
Valerie Seiling Jacobs from Westport, CT

Dear Mr. Rove:

I can’t believe all the fuss the media is making over those torture memos. For Pete’s sake, if the White House can’t ignore the Geneva Convention, then who can? And besides, what’s the point of getting elected if you can’t bend the rules?

I mean, honestly, what are those editors thinking? Don’t they know that publishing this stuff can only lead to trouble? For heaven’s sake, aren’t the Spaniards already investigating you guys for war crimes? If this keeps up, half of the Bush administration will wind up behind bars. And what about those crazy human rights activists? Talk about encouraging the enemy.

And I just want to go on record that I completely agree with your assessment: those techniques are so totally blown. Who in their right mind would choose waterboarding now? And to think of all the arms you twisted to get it approved—it’s just a darn shame.

Oh well, I hope you won’t let those cranky liberals get you down. It must be tough defending the country with all those pesky constitutional lawyers, but I, for one, think you’re doing a heck-of-a-job.

Valerie Seiling Jacobs

Apr. 22 2009 09:22 AM
JRB from New Jersey

Paid for by:

-Andrew Cuomo for Gover... Oh—Paterson’s Still In It?... Wow. This Is AWKWARD.
-Andrew Cuomo for New York Something Or Other… Come Back In Six Months, mmmK?
- Andrew Cuomo for People Who Thought Troopergate—Not Hookers—Would Bring Eliot Spitzer Down.
- Andrew Cuomo for David Paterson is a Swell Guy And All, But Seriously? Come On!
-Andrew Cuomo for [hand covers mouth] mehbluhmum…
-Andrew Cuomo for a State Office That He’ll Tell You About Later When Others Come To Their Senses.
- Andrew Cuomo for Governor… There. I Said It. Are You Happy Now?
- Andrew Cuomo for New York And By The Way, This SO Not A Racial Thing—He Would’ve TOTALLY Run Against Spitzer, Too.

Apr. 22 2009 09:11 AM
JRB from New Jersey

Other achievements that Roland Burris did not have room to inscribe on his mausoleum:

- Ate Entire 5 lb. Hamburger at Big Joe’s Diner
- Once Caught a Fish Literally THIS BIG
- May Have Already Won $10 Million (Publisher’s Clearing House Results Pending)
- Voted by Centralia High School Class of 1955, “Most Likely To Succeed At Any Cost to His Reputation”
- Inspiration for 1985 Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle (Disputed)
- Member, Sam’s Club
- Has Seen Every James Bond Movie
- Would’ve Gone Pro If It Weren’t for that Knee-injury
- Recipient, “World’s #1 Dad” Mug
- First to Designate Self, “Not ‘It’” (Game of Tag, 1947)

Apr. 22 2009 08:49 AM
JRB from New Jersey

“Grandpa! Grandpa!” the little boy shouted from his bedroom.

“What is it Tommy?” Grandpa said as he appeared in the doorway.

“Oh please, oh please—tell me a bedtime story.”

“OK, Tommy,” Grandpa said tenderly as he landed in the rocking chair. “Which one do you want to hear tonight?”

“Tell me the one...” Tommy thought for a moment. Then he said proudly, with stars in his eyes, "... about your days in the New Jersey State Legislature!”

“Oh,” said Grandpa. “Maybe in a few years.”

“But Graaa-ndpa,” Tommy protested. “I’m a big boy.”

Grandpa patted Tommy on head. “Oh, I know you are, son. But see, the statutes of limitations haven’t run out yet and your Grandpa’s not talking for nobody.”

Apr. 22 2009 08:23 AM
Su Polo from New York City

Dust ©2008 Su Polo 12/7/08
www.supolo.com

We live in a sieve
Here in NYC town.
Dust blows in
Uptown or Down.
Our great walls rise high
Protecting our flanks.
Empire State Building, Trump Towers, the Banks
All suck the pollution right out of the air
Into their systems and filters with care.
That’s not all – when the rain falls
Heavy metals and toxins wash down the drains
Carried to Brooklyn and Queens by the trains.
You must admit, we’re like pampered pets
Sitting pretty in our biosphere like acrobats with nets.
Even the heat rising up from all that
Is enough to ward off cold weather snaps.
When Christmas comes – we should hurry to get
Ikea tree chippers to line all the streets
As we do for hamsters and parakeets.
The Army Corps of Engineers saves the day
Constructing a gigantic pull-out tray
Carrying all the dust away
For surely as we scurry ‘round,
Dust and stuff trickles down.
Dust grows in economic collapse
So we mustn’t let our cleaning lapse.
Life spans lengthen
From reduction of worry
Since we’ll dump all our refuse and toxins on Jersey.
So live in New York City – it’s for the best
To eliminate dust and toxins and stress.

Apr. 22 2009 05:39 AM
Hurd Hutchins from New York, New York

PSALM 2006--A TRIBUTE

George Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me lie down on park benches;
He leadeth me besides still factories for free-
trade's sake,
And vacant offices for outsourcing profit,
Which restoreth always my unemployment.
Yea, thought I walk thru the Valley of Terror,
--Though you, the Decider, say thou protect us-
I do fear evildoers, for thou curseth them
constantly,
And war against them incessantly,
And beat them with thy rod and thy staff,
Arousing their ire and IEDs of destruction.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and deficit spending
Doth discomfort me.
Thou anointest the nation with never-ending
debt,
Whilst the rich become richer and the poor
fight your war.
Surely poverty and penury will follow me all
the days of my life,
And my jobless children shall dwell in my
basement forever.

Apr. 22 2009 05:23 AM
mozo from nyc

A Nation Remembers

April 20th, 2009 marked the 10th anniversary of the terrible mass killing at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Many of us can recall the horrific reports of two armed and troubled youths indiscriminately shooting anyone in their path. Before they turned their weapons upon themselves, twelve students and one teacher were dead.

We parents asked ourselves the only two questions that came to mind: “Why?” And: “What can we do to prevent this from happening again?”

The answer was obvious. The teachers and administrators didn’t do enough to put these volatile troublemakers in their proper place. Shortly after the shooting, the staff encouraged the understandably superior strata of high school society (i.e. “jocks”, “cheerleaders” and “rich kids”) to ostracize anyone who is “different”, “shy”, “quiet” or “good at math”. Surveillance technology, increased police presence and harsher yet paranoid codes of conduct made sure that these theater geeks would never pull a stunt like Columbine again!

It’s been years since we’ve had anything happen of this magnitude. Sure, there have been a few violent episodes of late. But the shooters were adults – not children. And for this, we parents collectively sigh in relief!

Apr. 22 2009 01:13 AM
Robert Schwartz from Brooklyn, NY

The backroom of an Applebee’s in Virginia. Pres. Obama and Rush Limbaugh have a clandestine dinner.

OBAMA: Make this quick, I have a gay wedding to attend.
RUSH: War Crimes charges against Cheney?
OBAMA: We’re gonna pass.
RUSH: My base’ll crucify you. I need that.
OBAMA: Done. Next?
RUSH: Cuba? Really?
OBAMA: The Cuban’s get democracy. Americans get a hot new destination spot.
RUSH: Not good enough.
OBAMA: Cuban cigars will soon be legal.
RUSH: Excellent.
OBAMA: Can you tone down on the Socialist accusations.
RUSH: Fascist?
OBAMA: Are these my only two choices?
RUSH: Communist doesn’t have the same zing it used to.
OBAMA: Fine. We decided against the Fairness Doctrine.
RUSH: Like hell you did! My base thinks you’re trying to shut me down. Their
sympathy drives my ratings.
OBAMA: I don’t want that fight.
RUSH: I do!
OBAMA: Whatever. Hey, do you really want me to fail?
RUSH: Oh, good god, no. If you fail who do I direct all my venom to?
OBAMA: That’s never been a problem before.
(Obama stands up to exit)
RUSH: Heading back to D.C?
OBAMA: Yeah. Dinner with Hannity.
RUSH: What’s he want?
OBAMA: “In God We Trust” taken off all currency.
RUSH: (giddy) Can I have that?
OBAMA: I promised it to him.
RUSH: (disappointed) Damn! Have a good flight home.
OBAMA: You, too! See you in May.

Apr. 22 2009 12:54 AM
Michael Sands from Manhattan -- the Village

In an effort to re-connect with his two children -- who have refused to have any contact with him and did not campaign with him during his presidential campaign – Rudolph Guiliani seems to be turning over a new leaf. Eschewing his typical bravado, Mr. Guiliani said that he “needs to look inside himself for answers.” This statement was made at the same time that Harper Collins announced it would be releasing on May 15th his new book, entitled “The Etiquette of Behaving Badly.”

This writer received a pre-publication copy and one of his revelations deals with his live on-air interview during which he announced that he would be separating from his wife at the time, Donna Hanover, who had been totally unaware of her husband’s intentions. Mr. Giuliani went on to praise his paramour at the time, Judith Nathan as a "very, very fine woman." He takes full responsibility for his insensitivity and issues a full apology to Ms. Hanover, saying that proper etiquette required an email to her or, if time did not permit, a text message before he went on the air. Mr. Guiliani stated his mission to become a national leader in setting new standards of civility.

Apr. 22 2009 12:07 AM
Claude Solnik from Plainview, NY

LOVE AND MARRIAGE / GOT A MORTGAGE

Got a mortgage. Subprime mortgage.
Beautiful house. I just can't afford it.
Blame my banker or my broker.
Each keeps pointing at the other.

Got a mortgage. Subprime mortgage.
Once upon a time I could afford it.
Rates shot up so quickly.
You'll find ‘em listed under Ripley.

I try, try, try to make the payments.
It's all confusion.
They said I could refinance.
That was an illusion.

Got a mortgage. It's just garbage.
Got a house. Wish I could afford it.
Should I blame my banker?
Banker and broker blame each other.
They just go and blame each other.

Owning a house, that's the American dream.
This one turned into the American nightmare for me.
Turns out my subprime mortgage was just a scheme.
Bank sold my mortgage to someone else ‘mmediately.

Now some poor fellow’s got my mortgage who can't afford it.
It was all in the fine print and I ignored it!

Apr. 21 2009 11:43 PM
Claude Solnik from Plainview, NY

I decided we could learn from government policies. So I applied them to our household. “We’re having financial problems,” I said. “We’re going to imitate government.” My son liked the idea, which worried me. “I’m having problems, too,” he said. “I could use a bailout.” I hoped to save by cutting his allowance. He suggested we start by helping him, since he was the weakest financial link. We’d give him a loan called TARP or Teenage Allowance Recovery Program, so it sounded better. He’d pay back when possible. “What if you can’t?” I asked. I didn’t like using his Xbox as collateral, since I bought it. But we gave it a try. I loaned him $100, which he tried to lend back at exorbitant rates. I refused. He thought he outsmarted me until I told him the funds brought responsibilities. “I won’t take out the garbage,” he said. I said he’d clean his room and walk the dog, if we got one. He protested this would be child labor and tried to return the money. “You can’t until I say you’re ready,” I said. We still have financial problems, but his room’s clean. It may be years before I decide he’s ready to pay back. By then, he may be so old we’ll call it SARP – Senior Assistance Retirement Program.

Apr. 21 2009 11:39 PM
Don Davis from New City, New York

Wall St. Excesses Take Ultimate Toll -- Manhattan Sold Back to the Indians

In the ultimate sign that the reckless behavior of Wall Street is exacting an “historic” toll, Manhattan, originally purchased by the Dutch from the Indians 400 years ago, was today sold back to the same Native-American tribe.

Most shockingly, the price was also the same — $24 — although given the strength of the Indian bargaining position, they did not have to pay cash, but only toxic stockpiles of “corn derivatives,” also known as ethanol.

Although the tribe indicated that the entire island of Manhattan would be turned into one giant gambling casino, most financial experts agreed that this represented an improvement in “risk management” over the business practices of the last ten years.

Fired AIG executives immediately sought hiring bonuses from the new Native-American owners of Manhattan. One ex-trader even claimed that he had a brand new idea for “poker chip default swaps,” to insure that there would never be any losses resulting from sub-prime gamblers.

On CNBC, Jim Cramer commented that he was “sitting bullish” about the deal, and that in addition to the gaming industry, he was optimistic that this deal would even be able to resuscitate “Running Bear Stearns.”

Apr. 21 2009 11:10 PM
Stan Marcus from Montclair, NJ


Economy

Body counts are significant. If you avoid certain neighborhoods and don't traffic in drugs, your chances of dying of a heart attack are much improved.
The body count is a useful tool in that a diminution shows progress in the war on murder and an increase shows progress in the war on terror.
Statistic are very important in society. Without them, no one would know what was getting better or worse. For instance, who would know if we're in a recession or not?
I do notice, though, my hairline is receding, but I have no statistics on that. Just less hair.
I have no statistics on apples either, but I do know that the price of the apples I buy has risen a dollar a pound.
Two quarters or more of negative growth equals a recession. Two quarters or more of a negative attitude equals a depression. I need 4 quarters to do my laundry. Orjiflation is when economists are undersupplied with condoms. Massification is something we don't talk about.

Apr. 21 2009 10:42 PM
Fred Stroppel from Glen Cove

Having been kissed more often than the Blarney Stone, Rush Limbaugh’s ass has now been officially designated a National Landmark by the Department of the Interior. “From a physical standpoint, it’s no thing of beauty,” observed buttock-specialist Lester Feltch. “But its political significance is huge. When you consider the number of respected GOP figures who have knelt before it and pressed their obeisant lips to its spongy surface, it begins to take on a monumental, mythical quality.”
Count this a personal triumph for the portly pundit, who was overwhelmed by the honor. “It’s a humbling experience” he said, as tears coursed freely down his various cheeks.
While Mr. Limbaugh will retain full control of his buttocks for the time being, at his death they will be shipped to the Smithsonian, and placed on permanent display in the National Portrait Gallery.
A dedication ceremony is set for June, and a contrite Meghan McCain will be the first to kiss Mr. Limbaugh’s prize posterior, which he plans to shave for the occasion. President Obama and wife Michelle will miss the ceremony, but they promise to blow kisses via satellite. Mr. Limbaugh is expected to turn his back on their tribute.

Apr. 21 2009 10:34 PM
Lawrence Ross from New Jersey

And the seas will rise
and the children will keep dying
And he will lie to your
face and steal everyones money
But he goes to confession
once a year so its all ok

Thanks to AMERICANS, IDLE I really liked that one.

Apr. 21 2009 10:14 PM
Carlie Cattelona from Hillsdale, NJ

Dear High School
You’ve helped me realize that without college, I will never be successful in anything I try to accomplish. With your firm grasp on my neck, I’ve decided to dedicate the last four years of my childhood to getting into a decent university.
I’ve never felt more structured slaving over biology midterms. It feels good to knowing with the stress of testing comes the reassuring threat that if I fail, I’ll be working at a fast food franchise for the rest of my days.
I know now every class taken in your hallowed halls is a sacred milestone. Without gym, I would never know the humiliation of arriving to class smelling like socks. My friend has realized that she’ll never get into the school of her choice with that C in chemistry. I’m sure after her breakdown ceases, she will work more than necessary to achieve an A. It is important, because after all, she wants to be a therapist.
I write this letter to you as the snow falls heavily down, my brothers gallivanting in winter glory, you will never know my elation to turn my head from the window, and back to my review packet.

Apr. 21 2009 08:52 PM
Andrew Petrisin from East Windsor, NJ

My Entry is Questions

1. ) The American People elected a Man who Promised Change in the Government for the people.
Then why is he trying to take the change out of my pocket to give to business that should have the common sense and foresight to realize that the business they were doing, No Bookie or Casino would take as a bet ?

2.) Why is Congress holding hearings and screaming at the very people they were taking their political contributions from? Isn't that the hieght of hypocrisy or least lack of brains?

3.) Isn't it the standard of American Business that if you can't be smart and run the business by practical busines methods and you fail then you go out of business? Then why are Banks, the Auto Companies, getting bailed Out, shouldn't they get balled out?

4.) The Toxic Asset Relief Program shouldn't it be called what it really is. The Congressional Relieving of Assets Program aka C.R.A.P.?

5.) Didn't the President or his vetting program even look at the Non-Tax Problem List or did they lose that scrap of paper?

6.) Will there be a Federal Relief Program of the stores that sell mirrors in DC as it's obvious that they are going broke because Congress can't even look at themselves in the mirror without the mirror breaking or the Congressmen laughing themselves silly and passing out at the con they pulled on the Americam Taxpayer.

7.) Has the Government heard back from England , France , Spain & Portugal & Holland to see they will take us back as colonies?

Apr. 21 2009 08:40 PM
Sandy Landsman from Syosset, NY

Pharaoh and the Great Recession

One night, Pharaoh dreamed of seven good ears of corn and seven withered ears.

Pharaoh’s dream advisor interpreted, “The seven good ears are seven good years. The seven withered ears are seven lean years. Therefore, let Pharaoh give free rein to his counting houses to buy up all the grain in Egypt. Let them grind the grain into meal and mix it with dry sand to sell at market, and you shall call it grain derivative. But each year mix in less grain and more sand; thus shall the counting houses and the nation prosper forever.”

For seven years the nation prospered. But on the eighth year, the people fell ill, and no one bought and no one sold, and there was great trouble in the land. And Pharaoh cried out to his advisor, “What is this calamity you have brought upon us?” The advisor answered, “Be not troubled. Take seven hundred billion pieces of gold, and give them to the counting houses to cast into the Nile to propitiate the gods, and all will be well again.”

So Pharaoh commanded, and the treasury was emptied.

But still the famine persisted, even seven years, just as Pharaoh had dreamed.

Apr. 21 2009 06:49 PM
diane Bauer from 900w190th&Upstate

RECAP OR REPRO

High-end grocer now accepts food stamps ran the NPR snippet in a neighborhood still sporting million dollar price tags despite the real-estate downturn, not mine. Many Blue chip stocks, mine, now trade in the $1-2.00 range at the NYSE what’s next, Chapter something, Delisting, or the Penny Sphere? My boomer IRA, 401K, and the former company P &P, something my children will never possess, actually never see, I’m back to tech dived levels, Oh, excuse me, correction. The economic guru’s declare the present a once in the lifetime economic event, what were the previous corrections? S & L, US STEEL, Chrysler, AIG, got government bailouts, where’s mine?
My village has 550 buildings on the tax roll, 400+ for sale. Empty storefronts, vacant IDA built tax exempt big boxes (corporate welfare) line Main Street and the outlying shopping sprawl. My work ceased March 31st, the second job folded in ’06, and it footed the older kid’s college. Next semester’s payment is now due, quarterly taxes followed April 15th, the home equity comes like clockwork; Spouse received notice re 1,400 job cut the 59th birthday presents. The cars: ’95 at 187,000 miles, the import ’03 250,000 miles, 0% financing present, dream on

Apr. 21 2009 06:48 PM
paul kleiser

now available---intelligent designer bullets for all NRA supporters,or just plain rabid anarchic leftists.Now even athiests need not cower on a casual foray to the supermarket----you'll use your personalized ammo;they'll know who you are after you've sprayed the aisles and taken yourself out,and you'll never mistake your arsenal ----empty clip after clip like any average sportsperson or target shooter.Ordering now will bring you a life- sized wall applicable poster of Rush and Ann as Gomez and Tish (a keen eye detects Cheney as Uncle Fester,Blago is Cousin Itt,and i'm pretty sure Barney Frank is Pugsley)----an additional 10% discount applies if you've had to wound anyone in the past 6 months------call god'sownammo.nuts

Apr. 21 2009 05:22 PM
todd strasser from Larchmont, NY

What Somali Pirates Learned From Wall Street

The Wall Street Journal: How are they treating you, Mr. Wal-i-Musi?

Mr. Wal-i-Musi: Very well, thank you. In my country I would be awaiting trial in a tiny dark rat-infested cell, but here I am staying in a seven million dollar penthouse.

WSJ: You’ve stated that you honed your approach to pirating by watching CNBC. Can you be more specific?

Mr. Wal-i-Musi: Yes. We used to be poor fishermen, but due to lack of regulations our fishing grounds were over-fished and we had to turn to a new way to support ourselves and our families. So we began to plunder small ships. With no enforcement of anti-pirating rules, we moved up to larger and larger ships. Then we saw how US bankers plundered and leveraged the largest corporations and were rewarded with billions in TARP money. So we started going after the biggest ships we could find. We call them Too Big to Bail.

WSJ: What do you see in your future?

Mr. Wal-i-Musi: Half my assets are in my wife’s name. The other half is in a numbered account in Lichtenstein. I’m looking forward to my stay. I hear US prisons are like country clubs compared to where I’m from.
.

Apr. 21 2009 05:19 PM
David R. Hall from Brooklyn, New York

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas (a Republican, need it be said) seems to have warmed recently to the idea of endorsing secession. What should the other 49 states do to keep Texas in the Union, should they decide to do so?
Is secession a real threat by the governor, or just another lose-win proposition like "The Mouse That Roared" and "The Producers"? Is he hoping to be offered a deal like the one Staten Island got to join up with the other boroughs to form New York City in 1898: free ferry service? Come to think of it, why not offer him the retired fleet that's in mothballs? As wide as the Red River is, the ferries--turned sideways--would neatly provide drive-through "bridges to nowhere" (well, Oklahoma) for a fraction of the usual price.
If this inducement isn't persuasive to the governor and he goes ahead anyway, despite the way things turned out after 1861 and with the 1969 Norman Mailer mayoral ticket's efforts to secede, all is not lost. The number of office jobs created by the need to issue visas from and to Texas should go a long way toward solving the unemployment crisis everywhere.

Apr. 21 2009 04:43 PM
Stuart from Manhattan

Following on the heels of his successful campaigns to eliminate smoking and trans fats in restaurants and term limits in government and in keeping with his recent moves to limit sodium in foods, Mayor Bloomberg has announced a number of other initiatives he will be implementing throughout his 3rd and 4th terms. These measures will include but are in no ways limited to restrictions on:

Wearing stripes with plaids
Playing ball in the house
Laughing too loudly in public
Riding Western style
Eating before bedtime
Having pizza two days in row
Half-hearted flossing
Calling people “Honey”
Ripping a piece off a bagel before you get home with it
&
Getting too sweaty

When pressed for comment on the ambitious breadth and scope of his plans, Mayor Bloomberg simply responded, “I have only the interests of all the people…hey are you chewing gum? What have I told you about chewing gum….”

Apr. 21 2009 04:16 PM
Shawn from Cambridge, MA

Interviewer—Your new product is creating incredible buzz! Why would a marine biologist decide to make cheese?

Scientist—I discovered a shark that produces milk for its young. A lot of milk!

Interviewer—But why would a shark produce milk?

Scientist—This shark has mammalian characteristics. It mates on land and drinks the blood of its prey instead of eating its flesh.

Interviewer —You mean these sharks resemble vampires?

Scientist—That’s why we call them vampire sharks.

Interviewer—But vampires don’t make milk, do they?

Interviewer—The vampire shark gives live birth and nurses its young with its teats.

Interviewer—Where did the vampire shark come from?

Scientist—Industrial pollution and overfishing are drove a lot of angry sharks on to land. We belive they mated with vampires to survive.

Interviewer—Can these vampire sharks attack humans?

Scientist—Only when provoked. But I am committed to saving vampire sharks from being stigmatized as mindless killers.

Interviewer—By making cheese from the milk of vampire sharks, are you trying to increase public awareness?

Scientist—Polluters and the fishing lobby want to ban vampire-shark milk. It’s a smokescreen to hide the environmental damage they’ve done.

Interviewer—Thanks. Good luck with the cheese.

Apr. 21 2009 03:29 PM
James K. Riley from Pearl River, New York

It was closing time for refinancing my residential mortgage. I had mastered the application maze. A huge stack of documents was plopped in front of me by a paralegal with the stern admonition—“use black ink only and don’t forget your middle initial.” Signing the papers as neatly as I could, I suddenly encountered an emblazoned official FBI shield—printed in bright yellow, if not actual gold leaf, 6 inches in diameter. I immediately recognized the shield from years of watching home videos.

Underneath the shield, the words “Warning” and “Mortgage Fraud Is A Federal Crime” appeared in extremely large type. Hmmm. Was this warning directed just at me or does every mortgage borrower now have to suffer from a similar, heavy-handed “head’s up”? Apparently, in this post sub-prime era, our government is making every effort to prevent mortgage fraud by “us borrowers”. Wow! This warning will certainly nip mortgage fraud right in the bud. I wondered whether the FBI ever slips gold emblazoned warnings into the stacks of documents of the lenders. Well, then again, I doubt that lenders would commit mortgage fraud. Therefore, they don’t need such warnings — just “us borrowers”.

James K. Riley
4/21/09

Apr. 21 2009 03:24 PM
Ronnie Ann HImmel from Brooklyn, NY

Dynamic new State Senator Daniel Squadron has been making the rounds with his innovative proposal for an alternative financing mechanism for Brooklyn Bridge Park so housing doesn't have to be part of the picture. Simultaneously, a new group called Green On Top Brings Us Considerable Serenity (GOTBUCS) is offering their own proposal to build a hotel park in the same location.

Responding to critics of their daring plan, GOTBUCS explains there’d still be a park, but it will be on top of the hotels, which will bring plenty of revenue to both the City and GOTBUCS. The roof parks will be open to City residents, with the only stipulation being they must wear solar hats to generate energy.

For those worried the current scenic view will be obstructed by the wall of hotels, GOTBUCS assures us their architects’ designs include holes in the buildings to allow light to pass through, with a special torch-shaped hole bringing us a one-of-a-kind view of the Statue of Liberty.

Senator Squadron could not be reached for comment. But one of his aides was heard screaming in the background; although the receptionist assures us it was a normal stress-releasing exercise initiated by the ingenious Squadron.

Apr. 21 2009 01:46 PM
Freddie O'Connor Riley from Columbus, Georgia

Dear Visa:
When you said that you were interested in me
I didn't realize
just quite how much
your interest would be.

You said that you'd been watching me,
and would I like to dance,
with two left feet,
I lept at the chance.
"Chattanooga, Chattanooga"
...we couldn't quite do Charleston
but oh how we did Savannah.

Then came that fateful day
when you said that your monthly issue
had not come
and not only were you late,
you'd begun to pick up weight,
and oh how you did grow.
I asked why so big.
You said that I should know
I'd heard about cravings
but none as big as Buffalo.

And the mood swings,
Your interest in me changed
to stern concern
and your softest finest print
changed to carved in stone
monuments.

After months and months
and labor still,
Dear Visa,
enclosed please find
more blood from turnip
for our 21.9 pound baby Bill.

Apr. 21 2009 12:47 PM
Dean Irwin from New York City

Words of Support

This NPR program is supported by:

The Pentagon, whose new musical "Most Happy Bomber" opens this month on Broadway, about a sensitive young fighter pilot struggling to balance the demands of war with his love for a beautiful computer hacker determined to siphon off his black box. Free downloads of top-secret weapons design plus baby Bok Choy recipes at JointStrikeFighter.us.musical.gov.

And by:

The Limoncello crime family, dedicated to taking a greener approach in construction price-fixing and racketeering by using organic concrete mixed in rechargeable, plug-in cement trucks, by drivers with low-carbon fingerprints, supervised by no-show inspectors trained in climate intimidation. When the Mob goes Green, everyone benefits.

And by:

The Paul Verbose and Evelyn Croch-Slowprose Foundation for innovative reporting on the tongue and taste buds: bitter, sweet, salty, sour and Sneezy, where even a modest donation of inherited wealth can promote a radio listening cone of silence free of monotone, non-commercial messages.

Apr. 21 2009 12:26 PM
James Papp from Inwood

“OK, wars,” Coco says, kicking her penny loafers. “What’ve we won lately?”
“Grenada twenty-five years ago; Panama twenty, ma’am!”
“Ma’m’selle. In our backyard with countries so spare they’re barely there.”
“We did the math.”
“You could’ve toppled them with a Girl Scout troop under cover of a cookie drive.”
“CIA’s plan in Grenada.”
“And they wouldn’t have needed any stinking badges, because Girl Scouts are virtually encased in them already. Warlike, too—in cookie season.”
“We don’t make war, we defend the homeland.”
“In asymmetry, first thing’s to make sure nobody thinks you’re defending yourself. Panama’s ‘Operation Just Cause’?”
“Defense of America from downsized CIA employee, ma’m’selle!”
“Why not ‘Operation Just Because’?”
“Because why?”
“Because we want to, because we can, because we have a big fat army and nothing better to do. ‘Operation Enduring Freedom’?”
“Afghanistan.”
“Endure it has, the freedom’s elusive.”
“CentCom’s spin is win win.”
“If you win, you don’t need spin. Lower expectations, viz. Vietnam’s ‘Operation Rolling Blunder.’”
“Thunder, ma’m’selle!”
“Whatever. ‘Operation Enduring Operation’ would’ve been perfect, like in the nineteen-year-old Gulf War. Daunts whoever thinks we might accomplish something and go away soon.”
“Them or us?”
“Let me explain co-dependency,” says Coco, adjusting her kilt.

Apr. 21 2009 12:15 PM
Andrea Troy from New York City


NEW YORK CITY, April 21, 11:55 (AP)

Fifi He-She, the world’s first successfully transgendered dog, is being universally mourned. Of Cuban-American ancestry, she died this morning in her sleep at age 18. With the exception of syphilis, she was in perfect health, said her owner, Mimi He-She.

Most people will remember Fifi’s story. Until age five, she had been Fidel. When his mistress noticed he favored bangles and barked in a high register, the two sat down for an emotional heart-to-heart. Mimi shared her own male-to-female journey with Fidel, who confessed his tail was involuntarily being wagged by a macho dictator. So, after 12 months of requisite therapy, hormone treatment, and a six-hour operation, an atypical stud was transformed into an amazing bitch. To complete her queer conversion, she assumed a French identity, just as Mimi had done post-surgically.

During an unfortunate episode in 2000, Mimi was accused of molesting Fifi. She eventually was exonerated but Fifi, temporarily in foster care, contracted venereal disease by acting-out. Before that, she had appeared on Oprah and Saturday Night Live (in drag, as Rush Limbaugh); in People, Newsweek, and other magazines; and on the pages of her three how-tos and a memoir, Fait Accompli!

Au revoir, FiFi! Adios!

Apr. 21 2009 11:58 AM
Fred Stroppel from Glen Cove

Following his successful international tour, President Obama is creating a new cabinet position, called The Department of the Apology. The department is designed to provide mea culpas for any instances of American arrogance, wrong-headedness and all-around folly. Mr. Obama made the announcement at the first annual White House May Day celebration, during which he apologized for past U.S. efforts to crush Communism. “It was wrong of us to try to suppress others who were simply trying to suppress others.”
The post of Secretary of the Apology has not been filled yet, but Mr. Obama is mulling several candidates, including the entire staff of the soon-to-be-defunct New York Times. In addition to rehashing past slights, the department will also issue pre-emptive apologies for any future American acts of aggression. Letters of heartfelt apology to Iran and North Korea are already in the works.
And the spirit of penitence seems to be taking hold throughout the nation. In a surprise move, President George W. Bush apologized for his entire 8 years in office. “In the two terms of my administration, I did not make one single mistake,” said Mr. Bush, “and I guess that was pretty arrogant of me. Sorry.”

Apr. 21 2009 11:47 AM
TheJerseyBackup.com from NJ

Bruce Springsteen’s wife has returned his balls to a locked display case she keeps on her nightstand after a furlough program went awry.

Patti Scialfa made the decision at 3:52 p.m. Wednesday, roughly 11 seconds after learning the Boss had been named in yet another divorce proceeding as the other man. She told friends that despite encouraging progress indicating Springsteen’s manhood was ready for more freedom, his set would be on 24-hour lockdown for the foreseeable future.

“Patti showed me Bruce’s balls and they looked pretty swollen,” a close friend said. “I don’t think they went willingly back into the box.”

Scialfa initially placed the rock star’s manhood in a padlocked container several years ago after reports surfaced he had an affair with a 9/11 widow, but she began letting Bruce’s balls out for brief periods last year.

They accompanied Springsteen and E Street Band for a halftime performance at Super Bowl XLIII, though Scialfa refused to let them near the Steelers’ cheerleaders.

“I was scared when he slid into that camera with his crotch during the show,” guitarist Steve Van Zandt said. “But I think Bruce was so excited to have his balls back he wanted to show everyone.”

Apr. 21 2009 10:48 AM
Chris Tarry from Brooklyn

Dear Republican Party Member,

I would like to be the first to thank you for your support during our wildly popular "Tea Party" campaign. We couldn't have done it without you! Your organizational prowess and limited sign making abilities were second to none.

We also appreciate that you took our suggestion and refrained from research into the phrase "no taxation without representation." We felt that it's true meaning, while topical and pertinent in it's language, didn't "historically" serve our purposes. Misspelling "representation" on your sign really wasn't your fault. Without the research we denied you, it can't be expected to be perfect. Please don't feel bad.

As an esteemed member of this glorious organization, you will also be happy to know that the party member who coined the phrase "tea bagging", while a valiant attempt at securing a more "hip" moniker, has been banished. We are currently seeking new members under the age of 55 to help combat our lack of knowledge in the area of modern day vernacular.

Again, thank you for your continued support. We look forward to seeing you at the next event "Fisting and Foreclosures" scheduled for the end of the month.

Sincerely,

Dick Cheney

Apr. 21 2009 10:46 AM
Peter Herbst from Montclair, NJ

Washington, DC.—-President Barack Obama announced today plans to open a re-education camp for citizens convicted of distorting his political message of change. “The biggest threat to our democracy is politicians and commentators who deliberately distort my vision for America,” the president said.

According to a high-ranking administration official, Camp “2nd Amendment 4Ever” will be situated in a secure, undisclosed location in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). “Conservatives always want to drill there,” the source said, “we’ll be drilling, just not for oil.”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she doubted she could see the camp from her house, but that “any development in ANWR is a step in the right direction for energy independence for our great country.”

Teachers at the camp include William Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Al Sharpton, Al Gore, George McGovern, Hugo Chavez and Moamar Khaddafi. Former First Lady Nancy Reagan will be invited to conduct seances to contact Franklin Roosevelt, Earl Warren, George Orwell and other dead liberals.

Convicts will spend at last one year at the camp until they become convinced that fascism and socialism are compatible with democracy, that a highly regulated financial system is what the Founding Fathers originally intended, and that Barack Obama should remain president until the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox meet in the World Series.

A second camp might be opened at Guatanomo Bay if, as the administration expects, the ANWR site becomes overcrowded.

Apr. 21 2009 10:35 AM
Mr. Kenny Law from Sunset Park, Brooklyn

BRIAN LEHRER SATIRE SLAM!

“Why We Drink”
By Mr. Kenny Law (performed on ukulele)
(Please listen at: www.mrkennylaw.com/music/whywedrink.mp3)

------------------------------------

You drink to make fat people skinny.
You drink to make dumb people smart.
You drink to make ugly seem pretty.
You drink and you call it art.

And then…

You drink to America the beautiful,
Home of the free and the brave.
Then you drink to get drunk, and it’s beautiful,
To spend all the money that I saved.

And then…

I drink so I can go to work,
And make it the whole day through.
How else can we afford to get drunk again,
And convince myself that I love you?

We drink to remember that we’re alive.
We drink to forget that we’re dead.
We drink and wonder how we’ll survive.
Then we forget everything that we said.

- THE END –

(Thank you, Brian!)

Apr. 21 2009 02:49 AM
Madeleine Begun Kane from Bayside, Queens, NY

Dogged Journalism
By Madeleine Begun Kane

At long last, we have an answer to these burning questions: What kind of dog will Obama get daughters Malia and Sasha, and when will he get it? From a plethora of breathless press reports we learn that it’s a male Portuguese water dog puppy named Bo with a Kennedy pedigree.

Next on the press agenda? World peace. But first, a limerick:

There’s a new White House dog. Stop the presses!
Yes, at last there’s an end to the guesses:
What dog will Obama
Acquire? Next drama:
Just who will clean puppy Bo’s messes?

http://www.madkane.com/madness/2009/04/12/dogged-journalism/

Apr. 21 2009 01:17 AM
Toby Morton, Candidate for Mayor from Brooklyn

Dear Voting Citizens,

You probably heard already that some recently laid-off Wall Street types have gotten hack licenses to drive cabs. Be aware! If your next cabbie does one of these, you probably wanna get out:

► he only knows how to get to three places: the PATH Train, Lehman Bros., and SCORES.
► “for a small fee upfront, I can turn your short ride into a really LONG ride.”
► like a vampire, he can't cross any body of water.
► he thinks that East New York is in Alphabet City and won't take you there, either.
► fare subject to “variable rate pricing”: first 1/5 mile 40 cents, each subsequent 1/5 mile $1000.
► he likes to make small talk, but is fundamentally a whiny, annoying jerk.
► he'll drive up the cost of your ride with hidden charges for “optional” services, like the “brake” charge, the “lights” charge, and the “make the car go” charge.
► he'll get drunk, throw up in his own cab and then demand you drive him home.

Be vigilant, New York! We're all in this together.

Toby Alouiscious Morton
Candidate for Mayor 2009

Apr. 21 2009 12:47 AM
Ken Appleman from Cyberspace

DISPATCH FROM THE WIRED WOODS:

Many birds nearby today tweeting incessantly. You know a fad is nearly over when other species start doing it.

Apr. 20 2009 11:12 PM
Ronnie Ann Himmel from Brooklyn

“Welcome to PS 311, Mayor Bloomberg. Thanks for coming to Explain This Day.”

“My pleasure, Ms. Clarkson.”

“Let’s get right to it. Your educational plan still relies on standardized tests, yet we all know they skew the learning experience.”

“Although we aim to bring quality education to all children, we still need to measure success.”

“And failure.”

“Of course. And failure.”

“But children who do poorly on tests are impacted the rest of their lives.”

“Let’s be honest. Those kids probably wouldn’t do well in life anyway.”

“All multiple choice tests prove is you can choose an answer.”

“Exactly! They prepare children for life. Choosing what to watch on TV. Ordering from a Chinese menu. Selecting horses at a racetrack.”

“Is that what we’re preparing them for?”

“Just those who don’t do well on tests. But we value them all equally – even the failures.”

“They’re NOT failures. They’ve many wonderful abilities. Schools need to widen their definition of success.”

“Our plan is focused on creating the most fully realized citizen possible.”

“Thanks. That’s all the time we have.”

“But I thought I was here to explain ‘shovel ready’?”

“You have Mr. Mayor. Everything you’ve said is ready to be shoveled!”

Apr. 20 2009 09:07 PM
steve joseph from manhattan

Most people today seem to be forgetting their manners. As a hedge fund manager, I know the value of thrift, and manners. For our tenth wedding anniversary, I gave my wife a skill saw. I bought it with coupons at Bed, Bath,& Beyond, but she was not grateful.
A simple thank you would have sufficed, but she began to saw my used cordaroy recliner.
For years,I’ve helped people with their investments.I’m not being modest when I say that I’ve made tens of millions for my clients. I’ve also made millions for myself by buying foreclosed mortgages. Because of one or two bookkeeping errors, these people, some of them old enough to know better (between 80 and 90 years old) are claiming I stole their life savings.

The police (I admit, they did knock) came into my modestly decorated apartment (Crate and Barrel Black Friday Sale) and handcuffed me. Did they wipe their feet first?
Hell-o?! Clueless…

Thank goodness, I’m leaving Protective Custody tomorrow for the regular cell block. I hear those people, even if their manners aren’t perfect, at least know when to say “Excuse Me.”

Apr. 20 2009 09:07 PM
audrey from a few d-train steps from yankee stadium

So what exactly do you have to do to get thrown out of Yankee Stadium? Walk around with a Joe Torre mask? Probably. Smack someone over the head with a $6 pretzel? Perhaps.
Go to the bathroom during the 7th inning stretch?
Absolutely!

Last August, a 29 year old man was thrown out of Yankee Stadium because he tried to go the mens room's in the middle of the 7th inning, when the Yankees play a recording of "God Bless America." Apparently Steinbrenner ordered security guards to prevent fans from "excessive movement" during the playing of the song. Something about being unpatriotic while peeing during Irving Berlin music.

And so the Kate Smith police were out in full force, and he was ordered to remain in his seat until the last "..my home sweet home" was sung. He disagreed and was ultimately tossed out of the ballpark. The fan is suing. Yes, he is pissed off.

Well, if the Steinbrenner family wants to impose a "stand beside her and guide her policy", maybe they should have Catheter Day at the ballpark..give out bat-shaped catheters with the Yankee logo. How about installing those large souvenier cups under every seat..just in case. Or give out Pinstripe Depends with DiMaggio's face on the package. After all, he was Mr Coffee..had to be bladder issues there too.
And what do they expect women to do during the 7th inning stretch..place their hand over their heart and squat?
I guess if you answer nature's call before the bottom of the 7th inning, the terrorists win.

Apr. 20 2009 08:10 PM
Geoff from New York

Saying 'Non' to non-profit
The Washington Post, May 8th 2009

In a bid to stimulate a non-profit sector facing financial disarray, key figures are aiming to boost the sector’s profile by re-branding it 'the profit sector'.

Sounds strange, right? Not according to Douglas Franklin, newly appointed CEO of Profit Organizations of America (POA). In a conference call to investors yesterday, he explained how “we want to restore confidence in the sector, and can think of no better way than evoking the public’s enduring confidence in the profit motive."

“We’re all about profit”, claimed Franklin, who refined his public service credentials during fifteen years at Goldman Sachs. Outlining how the sector survives primarily on donations made by individuals and companies that have amassed gargantuan wealth in the private sector, he added that people in the sector needed to “embrace their common roots”, and that “together we’re a powerful force in the private sector, [we] all invest our donations in hedge funds anyway.”

Commenting on the future of the sector, Franklin admitted that despite the renaming, member organizations would “prefer to maintain their existing tax status” and that this was something POA was “trying to figure out a way around.”

Apr. 20 2009 08:03 PM
Melissa Balmain from Blacksburg, VA (a Brooklyn native ; ) )

Susan Boyle, the dowdy singing sensation from “Britain’s Got Talent,” stunned the world again this week during an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters.

“I’m not quite who you think,” she told Walters, smiling her famous, double-chinned smile. Indeed, Boyle confessed, six months ago she was Suzee Boyle—a leggy 32-year-old blonde from Brooklyn. “I was dying to sing on Broadway,” she said, speaking in her true New York accent and noshing on a bialy. “But even though I had good pipes, I was no better than half the losers you see at auditions.”

Then inspiration hit: “You know that guy who won the contest two years ago? Opera singer? And everyone was shocked that some homely fatso could carry a tune, even though that’s basically what opera’s about? I thought, ‘Bingo.’” So began a move to Scotland and a makeover that included a gray dye job, reverse liposuction, and months of overeating that Boyle found “a ginormous relief” after years of subsisting on unsalted rice cakes.

Why come clean now? “I figure I’ll be disqualified and I can start my career right away,” Boyle said. “Plus, I just really want to embarrass Simon Cowell.”

Apr. 20 2009 07:37 PM
Brendan Walsh B.A. from Islip Terrace, New York

Satire Slam
Where do I deposit my toxic assetts?
Right over there, sir, in the Septic Bank.
Hey Paul, release the dogs, he's got Zimbaway diamonds in the soles of his shoes.
Mr. Chevez, the book you gave me is overdue from the liberary, do you expect the American tax payers to foot yet, another bill?

Hey Amego, why don't you buy a muffler for that tin-can you drive and help us plug the hole in the Ozone. And while I'm at it, Chip who do you think you are fooling with the Harvard sticker. Fess up. "Looser on Board".

"Har, Har me maties, I have an oil tanker in me telescope, rum in me belly, and a dingy, made in China, full of Somalie swashbucklers.
Bring her broadside." Walk the walk. Now walk the plank.
How was you day Honey?
I'm worn out busting windows and throwing rocks at the cops. What's for dinner?
Spam!

I see you, you gay CEO with your 'tramp stamp' tatoo, wanting to marry my brother. Hold on sister, lets go green. Greece a polititian's palm, and you can marry a giraffe.

Hello, this is the Flintstone residence, Wilma speaking.
Hiy Wilma, this is Donald Trump. Tell Fred he's fired and if you see Burt Simson tell him he's fired too.
Even cartoons aren't recession proof.
Hey Whitney, step away from the crack pipe and sing us a song. Bobby take a hike....to Alaska.
Where are you off to?
Central Park. I'm in the mood to rape somebody.
Don't be late comming home, we have an early start tomorrow.
Yes dearie......
Allah I'm strapping on a bomb.
I'm set to blow at mid-day, tomorrow.. infidel Grennish mean time.
Allah, have them black eyed virgins ready
Cos I'm sick of spitt'n sand and my ass is in bits from rock wiping. Tell Fred Flintstone I said hello. Yallahllaaahah.

MR.Gorbochove, Murphy & Son is here to rebuild the wall. He won't stirr without a deposit.
Well let's go to the Septic Bank...........

Apr. 20 2009 06:37 PM
Rob Redding from Sea Cliff, NY

Dateline: Monday April 20th
Place: Millions of offices, homes and Blackberry’s around the globe
Reason: In these perilous, uncertain times people turn to the 4th Estate for news, comfort and hope.
Online Destination: CNN "The Most Trusted Name in News"- where critical national and world news leaps from the screen…

Story 1: National News: Busty dummy increases BBQ sales 30%

Story 2: Simon Cowell considers life after 'Idol'

Story 3: CNN Reader Poll: Do you think archeologists have found the tomb of Cleopatra?
-----------
Dear CNN,
A question: Who is your target audience?
Wait, nevermind.
OK, I trust that these stories are true, that you’re not making them up. But are they stories that should be pursued by professional journalists? A blogger maybe, living in his parent’s basement, wearing a robe, living on diet of take-out, diet cream soda and Facebook updates…sure, let him burn some shoe leather running down the Busty Dummy lead….but CNN?

Oh, and one more thing…do you really think the people interested Simon Cowell and BBQ Chicken and Breasts stories can really evaluate the veracity of an archeological discovery in Abusir, Egypt?

Breaking News: The 2009 Pulitzer Prize winner’s were just announced.

Apr. 20 2009 06:33 PM
George Held

PROTESTING EMERSON

Concord, Mass., Apr. 15, 2009. Parents at the Walden Intermediate School PTA meeting last night protested the teaching of Concord icon Ralph Waldo Emerson’s
essay “Self-Reliance.”
Ursula Heep, coordinator of Unconquered Concord said, “We don’t want our children to fall prey to this false prophet of elitism. When he wrote, ‘Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members,’ he was both sexist and dismissive of the uniformity needed to make society cohere.”
Ms. Heep continued, “Self-reliance and nonconformity might have worked during Emerson’s time, but today Americans need to obey our intelligence agencies and police forces to keep us safe from Terror. And when he writes, ‘Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind,’ he sends a contrary message to our children.”
School librarian Paula Revere overheard Ms. Heep’s remarks and sounded the alarm to school principal H.W. Longfellow. He said he would appoint a committee of parents and teachers on all sides of the issue to report to him before he determines Emerson’s fate in his classrooms. He said, “We need to resort to the old New England town meeting of minds on this potentially divisive issue.”

Apr. 20 2009 04:51 PM
Stuart from Manhattan

In a stunningly sudden development, The New York Times has declared bankruptcy and will be stopping the presses for good beginning June 1, 2009. The news came as a shock to the publishers of the venerated newspaper, long regarded as the nation’s finest. A spokesperson for the paper said “The news of our insolvency and our inability to go forward sort of came out of the blue.” The spokesperson went on to discuss the fact that reporters both inside and outside the Times have only been discussing the decline of the “Old Grey Lady” ad nauseam for the past five years or so, while anyone else with a pulse has been discussing the possibility of the diminishment of all newspapers once they figured how to “do that ‘going online’ thing” about 15 years ago. ”Furthermore,” the spokesperson added, “the failure of the Times to take swift and immediate action within that 15 year window in no way reflects an arrogant organization committed to a moribund notion of the past and of journalism. Who could say we haven’t adapted to the times? We almost have that color photo registration problem licked and that’s only taken us 20 years--by gum!”

Apr. 20 2009 04:28 PM
Tony Powell from The Bronx

On Thursday my state senator called a press conference, announcing "It's a slap in the face" for the governor to have chosen now, of all times, to reintroduce the same-sex marriage bill. Why a slap? As you probably know this is an important time for baseball in New York. The Mets opened their new stadium, and on the very day that the Yankees played their first game in *their* new stadium, the governor announced the bill.

I know religion is pro baseball, but I was a little surprised by State Senator Rubén Díaz Sr.'s leap of logic that Governor Paterson timed his action to insult baseball.

Senator Díaz announced that he would ask the governor to resign. Well, the Yankees did lose.

But the most Governor Paterson's bill can do is change the marriage law, granting gay couples 1,324 rights that they are currently denied. I don't see how that affects the Yankees.

"As long as you need me, there will be no gay marriage," Sen. Díaz said.

That's all well and good, but what we need is a law that preserves the special place Yankees have in our society. Mr. Díaz, we no longer need you.

Apr. 20 2009 04:21 PM
RCT from NYC

EDIT(2)

Low TV ratings and an apparent lack of interest in recent Olympics have led former Bush Administration officials to suggest that water-boarding be introduced as a competitive sport at London games in 2012.

"We are in a recession," maintained a former Treasury Department official, who wished to remain anonymous, "and the economic downturn has hit the communications industry especially hard. I see nothing in the rules that would prevent the Committee from spicing up the program by adding 'interrogation techniques' to the list of competitions."

Highly-placed sources confirm that the IOC has agreed to a tentative plan that would include a waterboarding event between the 100 yard dash and sand volleyball, with a form of foreign rendition or "short straw" competition employed to draft losers in the race as interrogees in the waterboarding event. The gold medal would be awarded to the team that got the interrogee to confess to kidnapping Judge Crater, in the shortest period of time.

"This is a really good idea," exulted former VP Dick Cheney, speaking from his cave in an undisclosed resort in Aspen, CO. "It will show everyone that American means business, and be good for business besides." "There are alot of people out there like me," said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "who really like to see losers pushed around. We'll nail those slow runners to the floor and wash 'em down. That'll bring in the viewers, and the advertisers will follow."

Concerns that Olympic waterboarding might tarnish the U.S's reputation or breach international law were dismissed by Bush appointee, Ct of Appeals Judge Bybee. "Nonsense" said the Judge, "People already know that we're a bunch of hypocrites. "Besides," he added, "How can it be illegal if everyone is doing it?"

The International Olympic Commitee has declined to comment and has denied rumors that its members have been waterboarded.

Apr. 20 2009 03:56 PM
Gerard Neda from New York,NY.

Who is this man Obama?
a mantra call- Hosanna!
a role model for all
the ones against the wall
he comes to do us favor
prophetic moral savior
economic reformer
but not a global warmer
to him we owe our thanks
especially from the banks
who benefit from tarp
an economic lark
to wall street corporate mobsters
all chocking on their lobsters
how much more can they get
to pad the corporate jet
and Rham Emmanuel
who's drinking from the well
got caught on tape beseeching
an Illinois politician
so let's release the tapes
be open and transparent
the promise from Obama
beatitude inherent
and so Mr. Hussein
denounces greedy gains
and yet appoints the foxes
to guard the chicken boxes
Summer,Geithner and Schapiro
all share a tainted past
forgot about old Spiro
and infamy that lasts
so let's hope for the future
of capitalistic plight
and hope for living wages
whether you are black or white .

Apr. 20 2009 03:43 PM
DNA from Brooklyn

Indoor Miniature Golf Course Groundbreaking, Brooklyn, NY December 31st, 2019

Bruce Ratner: Good afternoon. I'd like to welcome everyone to the long awaited groundbreaking for the Barclay-Google Atlantic Yards Indoor Miniature Golf Course and Refreshment Center. Located at the bustling cross streets of Flatbush and Atlantic Avenues, the Center is one of Frank Gehrey's crowning achievements and at two stories high one of his most eco-friendly. Yes, we have traveled some rocky road over the past few years--the economy, the frivolous lawsuits, the New Jersey Nets moving to Branson, Missouri--just one of these catastrophes would have sidetracked any other development deal--but here in the great borough of Brooklyn we have prevailed. We are fortunate that in the early part of Mayor Bloomberg's fifth term he made the Barclay-Google Atlantic Yards a priority and we are in his debt in more ways than one. It is his vision and ultimately his donations that have brought us here this balmy December morning. I will now ask Governor Giuliani to shovel the first ceremonial dirt and please, everyone--don't forget to take a commemorative miniature golf pencil courtesy of Markowitz Cheesecake Health Club as a keepsake of this special occasion.

Apr. 20 2009 03:39 PM
Heru Alkebu-lan from Bronx NY

What’s all this talk about “green?” Y’all givin’ way free money? I could sho’ use some cause I’m broke! Can I eat it? What ya got? Mustards or collards? Or ya talkin’ like the green I was when I went to Nam? Ohhh… , you talkin’ ‘bout the environment! Shoot! If that’s the case, then I’m as green as this wine bottle! I been green from waaaay back! ! I live in a refrigirator box, lights; candle-powered. A hot tin roof for a grill and though my carbon footprint might be dirty ‘cause I’m barefoot, it’s still tiny ‘since Everything I own in life is right here in this shopping cart. I’ve made my living off recycling bottles and scrap metal. Stare at me all you want to, but ya must be green with jealousy ‘cause I was up on the green thing years before ya! Y’all just found a way to make money off my lifestyle! … In this era of the “Obama-nation” of race, I’m no longer considered Black, just a dark shade of green. So since I’m the real expert on this green thing, check my wisdom…

No one knows more about the “green-life” than the homeless!

Apr. 20 2009 03:37 PM
Gerrit Argento

When the Greenwich Library board decided they could not legally prevent Allison Weir from speaking, they arranged to place valium dispensers and psychiatrists at convenient places in the lecture hall. She was going repeat points made in Jimmy Carter’s book and the board wanted to prevent the spread controversial ideas. Several board members who had experience with new ideas and debate before moving to Greenwich, thought that the medical and psychiatric facilities in Greenwich would be able to care for any derangements caused by the lady’s words and that listeners with low immune system resistance to new ideas would be back on their feet within weeks of her presentation.

Well, I attended the lady’s presentation last night and I can tell you that I got through it without one psychiatric consultation or one dose of valium. But it was risky. She did present some new ideas, not new ideas really, but ideas new in Greenwich, and I could sense that some people in the audience were having difficulty repressing the urge to think and debate.

So, I would like to thank the board for trying to protect us and I hope it gets Jimmy’s book off our shelves.

Apr. 20 2009 02:39 PM
Barry Leiba from Cortlandt Manor, NY

I tried, but I couldn't cut mine to 200 words -- an excessively low limit, I think. I slashed it as much as I could, but it was still over 320 words, and had lost much of its character. So I guess I'm out of the running.

If folks want to read it anyway, in its original 500-ish word version, go here:
http://staringatemptypages.blogspot.com/2007/08/prayer-works.html

Apr. 20 2009 02:29 PM
Stuart from manhattan

Press Release
May 27, 2008

PRI will be terminating the program, Fair Game, as of June 1, 2008. The network, in conjunction with member stations, has stated that when it said it wanted younger, fresher and more diverse programming, it meant that in a perfunctory way only and does not have any interest in content that might in any way threaten its image as a purveyor of primarily middle brow cultural and news reportage for boomers and their seniors. According to one network spokesperson: “We want something that is only nominally young and diverse which is why we will be going to programs whose reporters and producers are less talented and innovative, but who are nominally young and diverse.” Going forward, the network hopes to foist on the air programming that focuses on issues already covered ad infinitum on other shows [e.g. the decline of newspapers and the rise of blogs] but in more gimmicky ways that pay lip service to new media rather than actively engage them. PRI asserts that these new shows will be focus-grouped to death and will certainly cost far more to produce than the now defunct Fair Game.

Apr. 20 2009 02:04 PM
Russell Christian from South Orange

Dear Bank,

I’ve noticed recently how, when I really need one of your absurd credit card offers those offers simply are not forthcoming! Why is this? Has this something to do with the current fiscal crisis? Or is it just you and me? Don’t you trust me anymore? Have I ever been less than frank with you? If so I am sorry. The very foundations of our relationship depend on complete Trust do they not? If I have, in any way, compromised that Trust, I am truly remorseful. I know that you, as an upstanding institution, would never tolerate such a stain on your name and would likewise be remorseful. We both have our pride. When the Trust is gone what is left?
If I have in any way caused you to question my responsibility with money, so resulting in this disinclination to extend me further credit, please let me know immediately and I shall institute steps to resuccitate what I can of our, as of late, somewhat impoverished relationship. If my very own little financial crisis bothers you so much help me. Isn’t that what BMs are for?

Yours mortified (as usual) but not too remorseful (not yet),

K

Apr. 20 2009 01:55 PM
Paul Block from Bronx

Bloomilocks and the Three Bears

Once, there were three bears, Democrat, Republican and Independent, who lived in a house. Even with empty cupboards, Democrat ate a heaping bowl of porridge. Looking up from her Waterford crystal, Republican nagged Democrat about his excessive appetite. Independent ordered takeout.

After lunch, each went door-to-door soliciting donations for the winter hibernation.

Later, Bloomilocks peeked inside and thought, “It’s beautiful… I’d like this house all to myself!” She noticed an ashtray, winced, and threw it out, scattering cigarettes along the sidewalk. A pet gerbil was scurrying about, so Bloomilocks fed it scraps, and put it back in the cage, marked “Quinn.”

After eating two bowls of porridge, and wanting a third, she grew tired. Bloomilocks lay in Democrat’s bed—which felt like one she had slept all her life—but it was too big. She moved to Republican’s smaller, limited bed. Still unsettled, Bloomilocks tried Independent’s comfy, but disheveled bed. As she arose to switch yet again, the three bears walked in.

Hungry, they ate her up!

The next day, the radio host rabbit announced, “Tired of unwanted houseguests? We’ll talk to three bears who did something about it next on the Pryin’ Hare Show.”

Apr. 20 2009 01:47 PM
Michelle Petrazzuolo from Hackensack, NJ

I've decided to stop cleaning my house. It's tedious, and cleansers are expensive. It would be much better to simply live our lives and, when we reach critical mass, push our waste into the basement.

After all, the necessities clean themselves. A toilet flushes, and washing your hands rinses the sink. The shower - completely self-sustaining. This is evidence that the house will always adapt. It's only natural.

My mother will certainly object. Her home is immaculate, and she's developed little ways to make cleaning more efficient. She makes her own cleansers. She uses old t-shirts as rags. She could probably sell a million books of her irritating hints. Broomhugger.

She tries to indoctrinate me, too. "Cleanliness prevents illness!" We have medicines for that, mom. Do you want to render more Americans at pharmaceutical companies jobless? Housecleaning could devastate the economy, and I won't stand for it.

In fact, a cessation thereof allows me to focus on solving the cleaning crisis. For example, our refuse repository will fill in about six months. Our reallocaton program loads junk into our Hummer and trucks it to my mother's pristine basement. This could buy us another six months; the attic would add another three. That's real change, people. I'm part of the solution.

Apr. 20 2009 01:11 PM
Michael Boonstra from East Village, NYC

THE FREEDOM STADIUM

Those old towers were never popular in New York City: too much concrete, boxy and square, outdated before they were finished with streets blocked and traffic flow redirected. It was almost a blessing when politicians orchestrated their destruction by ignoring the cries of fanatics who wanted them to stop meddling in their affairs. This would allow these politicians to battle the renegades of isolation and employ armies to impose their will.

Many employed in the new enterprise took advantage of an emotional situation for personal gain. Those who suffered loss were ignored and tax dollars were directed toward the minority with the most resources. Most contractors were determined that the allocated funds line their pockets so that their employers and the politicians could exploit the resource they protected.

Some of the new structures sprang forth in time for the new season. Hopes were high that a winning team would lead fans out of depression. At least a couple of major league teams of baseball are able to stand undiminished, enjoying new homes completed almost overnight. Had such priorities also been afforded the home of world trade, we'd be cheering a different kind of leadership.

Apr. 20 2009 12:51 PM
Thomas from New York

A recent pre-census study found that the nation’s non-Christian Jews are still holding out for the “real” Messiah. The report, out last Thursday, said that the evidence for the Messiah that Christians call “true” lacks evidence of any “substantive Messianic qualities.”
“We are not dismissing the Christian’s Messiah as a fraud. We are saying that we have not seen any concrete proof that this ‘Jesus’ was the one,” says Rabbi Wasserman of Chamberlain Temple in Brooklyn NY.
Many view the study’s findings as more than simple information. Some radical evangelicals, in what is called the fly-over zone, see the study’s numbers as a “call to double down on efforts” to “bring the Light” to non-Christian non-believers. Tractor salesman Tim Dunn of Lemon Nebraska says, “Just wait, they may be Jews now, but it’s all in the Bible. We’re in the End of days here. There’s wars going on, there’s plagues [bedbugs], there’s an economical crash and of course there’s the Antichrist in office. Read Revelation; everybody loves the Antichrist.”
Dunn went on to say that Jesus’ second arrival will “bring ‘em round.”

Apr. 20 2009 12:48 PM
Joe Keohane from Brooklyn, NY

Skimpin’ Ain’t Easy

Rapper Rob Browz, best known for his club anthem “Pop Champagne,” leans back and sips from his champagne flute. “Not bad,” he says. But this time the champagne isn’t champagne, but a $55 J Brut sparkling wine. “I’m leveraged like a motherf*cker,” he explains.

Nationwide, rappers are responding to economic pressure by publicly shifting to more midmarket brands. The trend began in October, when Young Jeezy released a track titled “Off Tha Rack,” name-checking his new Citizens Eco-Drive watch and urging avoidance of credit card debt. Others followed. Last week, Jay-Z announced he was switching from gold leaf toilet paper to Egyptian cotton. He had conceded in 2007 that the gold “sort of falls apart,” but added that matters little “when a n*gga’s got a bidet that shoots 2005 Tenuta San Guido.” (The bidet, he says, now “shoots a surprisingly decent $43 Malbec.”)

Lil Wayne, at work on a track about his new Gowanus brownstone, sums up the shift: “You don’t have to live like some sh*tty *ss bag lady, but maybe you also don’t need to buy and then gold-plate the corpse of Carlos the Jackal like DMZ did,” he says, “right before he applied for TARP money.”

Apr. 20 2009 12:32 PM
Steve from Harlem

O, they’re so smarmy and self-satisfied,
With their organic soy lattes and water purified,
Hybrid cars--broccolini, too--
The green blue-staters are better than you.
They think they’ve elected a Dalai Lama--
Yet another demagogue, Democrat snake charmer.
“Progressive” means bending under Goldman Sachs
While the middle class is left sharing Big Macs?
“Liberal” means sweating a 401(k)
While immigrant workers are sweating for pay?
These hypocrite cowards talk a good game,
Their magazines expert in passing out blame
To Wall Street, Washington, and Jesus Christ,
But all fail to consider they themselves pulled the heist:
Investing and flipping and piling up gold,
Pretending their hearts weren’t for sale or sold,
Protesting for fun, not taking a risk
That might take away their slow food shrimp bisque.
Bush back at the ranch, Cheney put out to stud,
At whom will the urban elite fling its mud?
“Let’s give the new guy the benefit of the doubt!”
His erstwhile toadies now whimper and shout.
Real change to believe in--off the table.
A Republican-Democrat changer? A fable!
But the Starbucks-sippers will just lower their bar
And seek solace at their church: St. NPR.

Apr. 20 2009 12:07 PM
Mical Moser from Park Slope

My 3-Point Platform for My Third Term as Mayor
By Michael Bloomberg

Point 1: Given recent attention to so-called criminal behavior, legal but unethical behavior, etc. in the Wall Street vicinity, we will blanket the neighborhood with video cameras in a public-private partnership of spying on New Yorkers, thereby keeping an eye on street crime and away from the so-called criminal behavior, etc. of Wall Street that has created worldwide hardship and which Bloomberg News, Bloomberg.com and all other Bloomberg affiliates in no way encouraged, supported, or participated in.

Point 2: Given the new economic hardship, we will lay off 15,000 teachers. Although deeply regrettable, these cuts allow us to focus on bottom-line priorities such as pay-outs on lawsuits brought by cyclists attacked by police officers, by the families of young men and the mentally ill killed by police officers, and by protestors wrongly arrested during the RNC.

Point 3: We fully intend to continue support of recycling, the Yankees, and the Mets. The people of New York deserve to know that my vast personal wealth will be dedicated to a responsive-looking government committed to remembering my initiative with 311 and very little else.

Apr. 20 2009 11:58 AM
Andrea Troy from New York City

NY Times Obituary

Gertrud Schmaltzheimer died yesterday of heartburn at age 99, having spent her entire adult life fighting GERD. It didn’t surprise those who knew her, and are still around to comment, that her passion for high satiety contributed to her death. Nevertheless, her natural reflux, plus her reluctance to forgo fatty repasts, had made for one very happy woman. She was even known as “Gertrud the Greaser” until the Latin American Anti-Defamation League protested that a German (and probable former Nazi) had no right to appropriate derogatory slang reserved for Mexicans, just to tout her own appetites! Hey, doesn’t she get enough oral gratification from eating potato salad and knockwurst?, they effectively argued.

When the “new” green revolution emerged in recent years, Schmaltzheimer thought about eating local vegetables. But when she learned the broader environmental meaning of “greening your diet,” she knew she wouldn’t contribute to the movement. Generating as little waste as possible was not something she could do, and she flatulantly refused to be inconvenienced by the truth.

Despite the negative Internet twittering her stance created, she died content, digestively on tract, and—although not full of the right stuff—quite righteous, and fully stuffed.

Apr. 20 2009 11:55 AM
Phillip Howze from Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn


Are you out of work and angry? Do you suffer woes brought on by resume rewriting, job shopping and the like? Worried about that next paycheck? Well worry no longer for we just may have the recruitment opportunity for you.

Piracy!

No, it's not just for college kids looking to incur the wrath of washed-up heavy metal bands. If your job prospects are slim but you have swagger to spare then signup for the opportunity of a short-lived lifetime. Tired of job-hunting and you just want to hunt? Then we want you!

Piracy!

Immediate openings available in our intimidation division, boat maintenance, and fitting departments. Enjoy 6-months paid "little booty" boot camp on a remote, deserted island. Other job benefits include colorful tights, coconut milk, 5% commission on ransoms paid for hostages, and access to our extensive library of Limewire downloads. Our former apprentices currently hold management positions at the IMF, Blackwater, Applebee's, Ascot Partners, and the Robin Hood Foundation.

Piracy!

No more burning the midnight oil for bosses who you can't run-through with your rapier or poison with impunity. The best part: no need to be Somali, or look like Johnny Depp! For further details, visit us online at www.monsters.com

Apr. 20 2009 11:54 AM
Erin F. Slattery from Astoria

Welcome to the AIG 2009 Rebranding Party/Family Reunion ™! We are delighted to see so many of you again, and looking so very focused!
Please leave all small-arms ammunition, pointy objects, ATM cards, and shoes with our Collective Collateral Representative before participating. We regret that lawyers, accountants, and members of Congress must remain outside.
Note that your state-of-the-art RFID leg-cuff grants you easy access to all activities, and may be adjusted for optimal comfort with the use of wire cutters.

The schedule:

9:30-10:30: Healing Bikram Yoga (Troubled Asana Relief Program). (Please provide your own mat and squeegee.)

11:10-11:15: Opening Remarks by CEO (Chairman of Extreme Optimism!). Lobby broom closet. Seating for two.

11:15-11:18: Rebranding/Renaming Acronym Fiesta. Our new brand, AIU, deserves a thoughtful, catchy, visionary definition. Please vote for your favorite:
Averting Imminent Unease
Arty Individuals, Uniquely on
Арте́льный горшо́к гу́ще кипи́т

11:20-11:30: Wearable Credit-Derivatives Eco-Chic. Time to get crafty! Credit default swaps easily transform into prêt-a-porter wear for all* seasons. Because we care.
*Not applicable in all scenarios.

Noon-12:30: Bailout Smorgasbord. Please provide a hot or cold dish to serve 70. (Take-out menus available from Fran.)

12:30-12:35: Closing Remarks and Exit Interviews. Please have your checkbooks ready!

Apr. 20 2009 11:34 AM
RCT from NYC

Barack : They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow
Rahm: Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

[Refrain]
R: Babe
Both: I’ve got you Babe

R: To our plans, Congress won’t assent,
They say, “no way, the money’s all been been spent.”

B: I guess that's so, we don't have a alot
But at least I'm sure the voters think I’m hot

[Refrain]

R: I got Gingrich in a sling; you got Ted to kiss your ring
B: And when I'm sad, you're a clown
And if I get scared, you knock’em down

R: So let them say you sing Ayre’s song
I don't care, so long as I’m along

B: Then put your solar in my tanks;
We’ll shaft the insurers after we buy the banks.

[Refrain]

B: I got you to berate meanies
R: I got you to negotiate treaties
B: I got you to twist arms
R: I got you to show charms
B: I got you to beat off Cheney
R: I got you to seduce Germany
B: I got you, I won't let go
R: I got you to be my bro . . . .

BOTH: I got you babe

Apr. 20 2009 11:28 AM
RCT from NYC

EDITED.

Low TV ratings and an apparent lack of interest in recent Olympics have led former Bush Administration officials to suggest that water-boarding be introduced as a competitive sport at London games in 2012.

"We are in a recession," maintained a former Treasury Department official, who wished to remain anonymous, "and the economic downturn has hit the communications industry especially hard. I see nothing in the rules that would prevent the Committee from spicing up the program by adding 'interrogation techniques' to the list of competitions."

Highly-placed sources confirm that the IOC has agreed to a tentative plan that would include a waterboarding event between sand volleyball and the 100 yard dash, with a form of foreign rendition or "short straw" competition employed to draft losers in the race as interrogees in the waterboarding event. The gold medal would be awarded to the team that got the interrogee to confess to kidnapping Judge Crater, in the shortest period of time.

"This is a really good idea," exulted former VP Dick Cheney, speaking from his cave in an undisclosed resort in Aspen, CO. "It will show everyone that American means business, and be good for business besides." "There are alot of people out there like me," said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "who really like to see losers pushed around. We'll nail those slow runners to the floor and wash 'em down. That'll bring in the viewers, and the advertisers will follow."

Concerns that Olympic waterboarding might be a breach of international law were dismissed by Bush appointee, Ct of Appeals Judge Bybee. "Nonsense" said the Judge, "People already know that we're a bunch of hypocrites. "Besides," he added, "How can it be illegal if everyone is doing it?"

The International Olympic Commitee has declined to comment and has denied rumors that its members have been waterboarded.

Apr. 20 2009 10:45 AM
Jim Sparks from Manhattan

Republicans Call Keynesian Economics “Just a Theory”, Propose Job Creationism
Top Republican leaders today called Keynesian economic principles in the Obama stimulus plan, “Just a theory.”
In a news conference from Capitol Hill, Republican Minority Leader John Boehner said, “The idea that Federal construction projects will create jobs in this country is utter malarkey. It is a well known fact that spending by the government in the 1930s actually prolonged the depression and that the thousands of jobs created by agencies like the WPA weren’t real. Keynes has never been proven right and he was, after all, a poofter,” the Ohio congressman said.
Instead, Republicans will propose a Job Creationism Tax Cut that will stimulate investment and hiring by the business owners who are the party’s base. It will include provisions for a full tax credit for lobbying expenses, and a $1000 child tax credit to companies that hire heterosexual parents. It will also eliminate the death tax because it is believed that under Creationist Economics, good Republicans actually can take it with them. An IRS spokeswoman declined to confirm such deductions are possible.

Apr. 20 2009 09:26 AM
RCT from NYC

Lack of interest and low ratings for recent Olympic events have led to the suggestion by some former Bush Administration officials that water-boarding be introduced as a new competitive sport at the next summer Olympics, to be held in London in 2012.

"We are in a recession," maintained a former Treasury Department official, who wished to remain anonymous, "the economic downturn has hit the communications industry especially hard, and I see nothing in the Olympic rules that would prevent the Committee from spicing up the event, and attracting more TV viewers, by adding "interrogation techniques" to the list of events."

Sources suggested that a waterboarding event could be scheduled to take place between sand volleyball and the 100 yard dash, with a form of foreign rendition or "short straw" competition employed to draft losers in the latter race as vicitms in the waterboarding event. The gold medal in waterboarding would be awarded to the team that got the subject to confess to kidnapping Judge Crater, in the shortest period of time.

"This is a really, really good idea," exulted former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was contacted in his cave suite in an undisclosed resort in Aspen, Colorado. "It will show everyone that American means business, and be good for business besides." "There are alot of people out there like me," added former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "who really like to see losers pushed around. We'll nail those slow runners to the floor and wash 'em down. That'll bring in the advertisers."

Concerns that Olympic waterboarding might be a breach of national security were dismissed by Bush appointee, Circuit Court Judge Bybee. "Nah," said the Judge, "people already know that we're a bunch of hypocrites. I don't see the liability in turning a skill into a business."

The International Olympic Commitee has declined to comment and has denied rumors that its members have been waterboarded.

Apr. 20 2009 07:52 AM
eva

From The New York Times:

Hospitals across the country were flooded after neurotic, over-educated but not entirely paranoid New York Times readers “digested” Floyd Norris’ April 16, 2009 column, which unconvincingly tried to argue that Goldman Sachs has NOT actually taken over the U.S. government.

Because the Norris article listed examples which only detail how little control anyone has over the newly renamed “bank holding company”, readers were temporarily catapulted into an Orwellian dystopia.

The incoming patients showed many classic signs of severe panic disorder, including sweaty palms, increased heart rates, and, for one, the apparent certainty that a casual comment at a Saturday night party that “Mr. Blankfein oughta meet my friend Mr. R.I.C.O.” (an apparent reference to the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act of 1970) had resulted in wiretaps being placed on his phone.

The patients (for reasons not entirely explained by an unidentified, German-accented hospital spokesman in a white lab coat who bore an uncanny resemblance to Hank Paulson) have not yet been discharged.

Apr. 20 2009 01:58 AM
Charles Esser from Newark,NJ

Marriage with all its legal burdens has for too long been the responsibility of heterosexuals, while homosexuals were left free of such worries or fears.

To this I say, No More!

In order to ensure our nation’s moral strength we must put an end to the homosexuals’ effort to subvert our notion of family, by insisting that if they live together, raise a family together, care for one another, that they too must endure the legal ramifications of marriage.

How many young men and women have been seduced into the worry free life style of homosexuality? The ease of life that results from an avoidance of marriage is too seductive a trap for a young unformed mind to avoid. We must close for all time this method of recruitment by the homosexual legions, and enforce the burdens of marriage upon them!

We must let homosexuals know their free ride is over. That they too must purchase the bovine if they wish to enjoy the dairy. The heterosexual community will no longer stand idly by while the homosexual is free to enjoy their relationships unburdened by legal recognition.

If we do not force marriage upon the homosexual community, who will?

Apr. 19 2009 11:28 PM
Kristopher Wood from Brooklyn, NY

I have to admit I was a little offended when The Brian Lehrer Show asked me to write about the 2009 Tea Parties. I’m the author of such classics as Poor Richard’s Almanack, The Way to Wealth, and my own highly acclaimed autobiography which regularly out sells the autobiographies of the other founding fathers combined. (Suck on that Jefferson.) I invented the lightning rod and bifocals. (Don’t believe me? Google it. I probably invented that too).
And this is what you ask about? Seriously?
I couldn’t help but wonder if “Teabagging” means in 2009 what it did in 1773. If so than that is hilarious. To this day I couldn’t name one colonist that didn’t love a good phallus joke. Abigail Adams would perpetually have the Continental Congress in stitches with her famous “There once was a man from New Braintree” limericks.
Those where the good old days. I mean don’t get me wrong but I just think “No taxation without representation” has a better ring to it than “No taxation by our democratically elected president” Than again who am I to talk I’m just the face of the hundred dollar bill and the editor of the Declaration of Independence.

Apr. 19 2009 11:17 PM
Travis Whitelaw from New York City

"Bristol's Baby Daddy
(The Ballad of Levi's Johnson)"

I'm Bristol's Baby Daddy
you probably seen me on TV
I was a hockey-playin' redneck
til the night she got a hold of me
We was halfway through a 6 pack
when i got me an erection
Now i'm in a fix cause it wasn't Christian
for her to use protection

Now the Governor loves Jesus
she was mad as she could be
I was fixin' to run when she pulled out a gun
and pointed it straight at me
She said "you're marrying my Bristol
or eatin' lead from this pistol"
Then she stuck me in a suit
wiped the mud off my boots
and dragged me down to the RNC

Now i never been the kinda dude
to let a woman mess with my head
But when pit bull Palin shows her teeth
you better roll over and play dead

I'm Bristol's Baby Daddy....cause I was thinking with my crotch
Now me n’ Bristol are gettin’ hitched
and it sure looks good on Fox

Palin packs a big ole rifle
take a moose out with one shot
But I don't want her baggin' me
that's why we’re tying the knot

I'll stick with Bristol til November
but I want her to remember
When the barracuda wins i'm free again
and i'm doin' someone new in December

Apr. 19 2009 11:49 AM
Don Stitt from Inwood

TV LISTING: "AMERICANS, IDLE!"
(Category: Reality TV)

Synopsis:

Host Ashton Kutscher lures unsuspecting guests George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld and Michael Chertoff into a TV Studio where they are expecting to be honored as "Valorous American Heroes."

To their surprise, the guests are faced with The Supreme Court of Television; Chief Justice Judge Judy, with associates including husband Jerry Sheindlin, Joe Brown, Marilyn Millian, Judge Alex, David Young, Judge Cristina, and Ed Koch.

The defendants are swiftly tried for their controversial policies.

Chertoff is sentenced to a work detail, picking up debris on the streets of New Orleans, where he is constantly harassed by angry residents.

Rumsfeld and Cheney are whisked away to trials in The Hague over their torture policies. They are sentenced to life imprisonment in solitary confinement; a spinoff, watching them in their cells 24/7, is entitled Big Blunder.

Karl Rove is convicted of treason in the Plame case, and faces his firing squad weeping like a little girl.

The show's surprise is Bush, who is deemed mentally incompetent to stand trial, and is sentenced to a lifetime of house arrest, clearing brush.

He does not seem to notice that he is incarcerated.

Apr. 19 2009 10:50 AM
Paul Naprstek from Parsippany, N.J.

Below is my election time satire poem....and since it's all one big campaign anyway, I feel it is always timely and appropriate, well maybe not appropriate, but is that not the point?

Idiots on parade!

CHOOSE CHOOSE CHOOSE!

Strong opposition with tepid response.

Freedom to choose!

Dazzled by the choices.

Mr. Six

Ms. Halfdozen

Lots to say!

Lots to say!

Lots!

Over again....Over and OVER.

Say it here....Oh please.

Say it here!

And there!

Rhetoric repetitious, pounding and penetrating; cajoling and slowly rolling off the tongue....strangely suggestive.

Suggesting the OBVIOUS choice.

The sublime choice is YOUR choice to make a choice....or not.

Immersion in the process.

Your first inclination is to pick a team and dive in.

The next suggests nothing is more satisfying than staying under.

Apr. 18 2009 10:00 PM
Gerry Segal from New York, NY

Jacques: The Wall Street Tailor

Music and Lyrics: Gerry Segal ©2008

View and listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcUUxwF99MA

Jacques The Wall Street Tailor
Can talk trade and baste hems all night
Jacques The Wall Street Tailor
these pants just don't fall right
Got into some bad housing derivatives
Then the floor fell through
I'm leaving Town
Drop the cuffs down
then I'll call you

Jacques, the crotch is a bit tight
Ooooh, It's beginning to pinch
The Justice Department got me in their sites
Cooked the books at Merill Lynch
They don't care that Madoff made off with my annuity
No more Sacks Fifth Avenue
I got my visa
I'm off to Ibiza
I'll text you

Chorus
Oh how wonderful life was back in the spring
All anticipation, no regulation
We all just lived like we were kings

Jacques I heard that you're closing the business
and your name is Julius after all
Give my kind regards to your family
They’ll get food stamps in the Fall
Me I'll muddle through on the Islands
The Tarp will see me through
Jacques don't be bitter
I found a new fitter
His name is Drew

Apr. 18 2009 12:52 PM
Sam Greenfield from New York City

I would like to protest the unfair allegation that Fox News Channel is a tool of the Republican Party.
Having worked at Fox News,I can honestly say that they are completely fair....to Newt Gingrich. I can say with certainty that both African Americans on air personalities are given working microphones.
True,there have been rumors of brunette employees being tackled and gang bleached. Yes,the biggest advertiser on Fox News is FNC Tea Bags. But really, when Fox asks Karl Rove to comment on the administration that disemployed his party,and did it legally,why would anyone accuse him of partiality?
Let's look at the gentler, kinder of side of Fox News. They have never told Dick Morris he put his (or anyone's) foot in his mouth. They have mailed every copy of Bill O' Reilly's newest book to our troops,which is what every soldier in Iraq needs,more useless weight in their gear.All Fox asks is that their viewers hang on to two emotions: fear and ignorance, and if they do a great job of providing those emotions,why accuse them of bad behavior? Next thing you know, we'll be thinking. God help us all!

Apr. 18 2009 10:15 AM

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