The 21st Century Closet

Friday, August 03, 2007

David Amsden, contributing editor for New York Magazine, explains why the internet makes it easier to be anonymously gay.


David Amsden

Comments [13]

Rand Watson from Etobicoke,Ontario

I can't come out as Bisexual because my parents brother and sister would freak. I'm a college teacher and so far I've been able to put off the idea of traditional marraige because of my busy career. My Folks are old fashioned Dutch-English-German country farmers in rural part of Michigan where they grow blue berries. If they found out about my homosexual tendencies I'd be banished from the family as an outcast. I'm now dating a wonderful woman in the hopes it leads to heterosexual marraige thus alaying any doubts or fears in my parents mind about my sexual orientation.I'm 47 and this a sacrifice I must make to retain my families conditional love. That's just the way it has to be.

Aug. 31 2007 11:29 PM
Graham Palmer from Bradford, Ontario, Canada

Bisexuals are in reality heterosexuals who occasionally engage in same sex behaviour. It is not a sexual orientation. plain and simple. These heterosexuals are users and liers. Just ask one. Rand Watson of Michigan who now lives in Etobicoke Ontario Canada( highway 401 and Weston road) is just such a person.a college teacher at Humber college lakeshore campus he's left behind same sex casualties of war back in Ontario California where he lived previously. He's now with a woman here in Canada who has no idea of his sexual past. I wonder if she'd still be willing to continue going out with him once she knew the truth about him.I'm his latest casualty here in Canada. He says he's in the closet but given all the pain and suffering he continues to cause where ever he goes on this planet he ought to be exposed especially to the straight community in California, Michigan and Toronto Canada where he continues his academy award winning performance in sexual orientation.

Aug. 22 2007 09:08 AM
straightbutnotnarrow from Brooklyn/Manhattan (work)

I agree in secret with Robert. Though I am one of those liberal types who offers lip-service to any cause I feel supports freedom, I secretly do not trust bi-sexuals and feel a little bad saying this. If this is truly an orientation, then why would one need to stray? Preumably if you're bi, you are capable of nesting and setting up a home with a man OR a woman, but why at the same time? Are bi-sexuals really gay people who are afraid of coming out? In my secret heart of hearts, I think so though I would never act out against someone who called themselves bi. People who claim to be bi I have often discovered are THE loudest in constantly proclaiming their orientation. I don't hear lesbians who have been out for sometime constantly feeling the need to express it and I know many gay men who just live their lives without their sexuality being a governing factor. I feel comfortable with gay men and I love talking to gay women because the usual crap that straight women put up as barriers between each other is gone and I feel I can truly enjoy honest conversation, but people who are bi always have that sense of uncomfortability about them. It seems to govern their lives and choices and this program illustrated this. If you are in a relationship and taking affection, or sexual pleasure from another person without the knowledge of your primary partner then you are cheating on them. This happened to a family member of mine and he ended up going through a painful divorce. Cheating is cheating.

Aug. 03 2007 01:28 PM
David Ezell ( from New York, NY

I am the expert who made the first comment--the one with support groups for bisexuals.

It is very easy to stand by the sidelines and make moral pronouncements about cheating and honesty in relationships.

Our culture forces people to be outsiders or insiders with no room between the two. So many times young men with desires for both sexes are pushed by families and church to decide. Everyone is a victim as a result, both the man and his wife.

Letting the woman know and allowing her to make a choice to stay or go is optimal, but a very hard goal to reach. Let's try to drop or old school preconceptions about "cheating"; let's try to be understanding as these men, like all of us, discover ourselves.

David Ezell

Aug. 03 2007 11:07 AM
naomi dagen bloom from manhattan

HIV...AIDS...there is no other conversation. What ever happened to safe sex as the primary issue of concern for gay men? trying to raise awareness through Condom Amulets as the new way to talk about what we seem to have pushed aside.

Aug. 03 2007 11:01 AM
we plant from usa

men and women can be closeted or carry-on any freak they like with adult, consenting partners. however, if they are married and living, having sex, etc. with a partner, they owe that spouse an explaination. secret lives are out in marriage.

Aug. 03 2007 11:00 AM
J. A. King

Are you sure that these men are gay? Couldn't they be bisexual? Kinsey's Scale based on his research showed that sexuality is either gay or straight, but there is a spectrum of behavior.

One thing about today's society is that it is okay to be straight or gay, but being bisexual is not acceptable. Jim McGreevey could be bisexual since he had relations with both men and women, but instead of saying he was bisexual me said he was gay.

Aug. 03 2007 10:59 AM
Mark Zimmermann from Brooklyn

The focus on closeted bisexuality really serves to obscure the fact that men are being unfaithful to their wives. The online services Brian's guests mention are just as available (and utilized, I've no doubt) to fully heterosexual ment seeking women as sex partners. Why would we seek to approve in some way that these men are unwilling to honor their marital commitments. Surely gay men use the web to cheat on their male partners. I really fail to see why bisexual should have some kind of implied special license to be unfaithful.

Aug. 03 2007 10:59 AM
Robert from NYC

These men should let their wives-to-be know what their sexual orientation/s is/are before marriage. They destroy the lives of others including their families if they later have children. This is a terrible thing to do to others; it's selfish.
Yes it's a "bi" issue/problem not a gay one. I support LGT no B for me.

Aug. 03 2007 10:56 AM
Jon Pope from Hewitt, NJ

Sorry, it doesn’t matte if your heterosexual, bi sexual or homosexual. No matter how you try to justify it, Infidelity is infidelity. You have no business pretending to be in a monogamous relationship if you’re not monogamous with your partner….

Aug. 03 2007 10:56 AM
anon from Brooklyn,NY

I am sick and tired of people sympathizing with gay men who led a double life as a straight married man. Especially ones that hide their struggle from their wives and put them at risk. The world is a lot more accomodating now and if they are gay - be gay and come out. If they are bisexual - be bisexual and but for goodnesss sake don't deceive the wives!! It's so obviously wrong for them to have this double life and it really bothers me that this issue is out there.

Aug. 03 2007 10:55 AM
Diana Manister from Staten Island NY

Are these closeted bisexual men telling their wives about their gay hookups? Isn't it unethical to expose these wives to the danger of HIV infection without their permission?

Aug. 03 2007 10:50 AM
Robert from NYC

Then he's NOT gay he's bisexual. I have no compassion nor respect for bisexuals. Blech! All "real" gay closet queens should be outed!!! This, as you may guess, is really touchy for me, a very gay man.

Aug. 03 2007 10:49 AM

Leave a Comment

Email addresses are required but never displayed.

Get the WNYC Morning Brief in your inbox.
We'll send you our top 5 stories every day, plus breaking news and weather.