Published in

I Have Received the Invitation to Your Halloween Party and I'm Afraid I Must Decline

First of all, let me say that I don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all to you. Okay? So that's thing number one. Please keep this in the forefront of your brain as we proceed.

Secondly: it's been like four years since you broke up with me, and three and a half years since we last slept together, which was also the last time I saw you, so thing number two is that I've basically forgotten you completely. I never think about you, or hardly ever, like once a week tops.

Thing number three, and perhaps the most relevant thing, as it is the answer to the question you just emailed me - very unexpectedly, I must say, as I'm putting on my Mr. Rogers costume - no, I will not be attending your Halloween party. I have no interest relating to you socially, or even in knowing what you're up to beyond what I happen to catch on Facebook - very rarely mind you - like any time you post new pictures. So that's thing number three.

As an aside, I hope you're going to do better than your store-bought Crayon costume from last year. I'll admit that it would be hard to top what you did the year before that, Sexy Albert Einstein, which was both intelligent (insofar as you combined commentary on the social expectation that women wear revealing clothes at Halloween with conformity to that expectation) and attractive (did you start working out?).

I don't remember what you were the year before that because I'm not keeping an index of this stuff. Oh, you dressed as a quark. Just came back to me. Very clever.

Anyway, my fourth point relates very closely to my first point: I manage an entire department and, as an uncle, am highly involved in the lives of my two nephews. So who, exactly, is "not adult enough" now?

So thanks for the note. I won't be attending as I'm already occupied and wouldn't come even if I wasn't. Unless your thing is still going at like 11. Do you think it will be? Let me know.