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Write Your Own Headline for The Onion
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Onion is America's best source for funny headlines. Three of its editors - Scott Dikkers, Joe Garden, and Joe Randazzo - look at some of our listeners' parody headline submissions, and explain how The Onion writers come up with their own.
The Onion's new book is Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition.
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Study: Many Americans Can't Afford New Year, Still Using Old Year.
"Principal For A Day Has Affair With Student"
Border Security Wall a Boon to Sport of Handball.
Inidan Bank outsources call center to South Jamaica Queens
Too Close to Call; Posters say candidates in Mrs. Dewey's 5th presidential race in a statical tie.
English major discovers lyric rhymes with Huckabee.
Bush to Back Obama. Says He Favors Idea of an Irishman as President.
OR
"Bush to Back 'O'Bama'. Says He Favors Idea of a Black Irishman for President."
February 7th:
Exxon Mobil Admits: Global Warming Responsible for Price Freeze
February 8th: Hell Freezes Over
Half-empty? Half-full? Brooklyn College Metaphor Researcher Can't See Glass!
Etruscan Shard Manufacturers Guild (ESMG) Takes Responsibility For Clay Artifacts Recently Found Beneath An Altar To Zeus in Greece. Guild Claims Shards Placed At Mount Lykaion In 1962. Tenure-seeking University of Athens Archaeologist Embarrassed, And Claims He Was Misled By His Muse, Hyphenates, The Goddess of Conjunction.
Match.com Stock Swap Falls Through. JDate Searches For New Suitor.
"Area man arrested after presenting his stimulus package to public"
Condoleeza Plans Her Husband's Presidential Library: Looking Ahead to a
Legacy
Vice President Cheney's Pacemaker Falters: Parts Made in China tainted
with insecticide
Karl Rove Balloon to Float in Next Macy's Thanksgiving Parade: Crew
Trains to Strengthen Lungs
Harmad Karsai's Cape Wins Accolades at Fashion Week
Cindy McCain orders 60 jewel-toned suits. Republican nominee's wife
also lacquers hair in anticipation of long weeks on the Campaign Trail.
Hillary tries Hip Trimming Exercises: Barack has Ears Pinned Back
Barack Practices Embracing Warmly and Kissing wife, Michelle: Emotion
is Reportedly Scripted in Democratic Frontrunner's Campaign
Hillary to Bill: Keep the Barn Door Closed, Big Boy!
Female School Shooter Blasts Glass Ceiling of Crime
Harvard Anthropology Grad Student Discovers Rockaways Residents Have 14 Distinct Words For "Sand." Yale Deconstructionists Quibble Over Meaning.
40 Members Of Stone Age Tribe Leave Wilderness Of Forest Park. Take Up Residence On Metropolitan Avenue. Clash Of Cultures Emerges in Middle Village.
One in Eight Americans Not a Pollster, New Polls Find.
Area Man Was Just Thinking About You When You Called!
Most Commas Used Incorrectly Study, Finds
CIA Abandons Waterboarding, Takes Up Snowboarding
Area Woman So Not Talking To You
Disappointed Obama Elected First Block President, Blames Typo
—Neighbors Thrilled
Romney Regrets Not Taking Iowa. "Des Moines Is A Terrible Thing To Waste," Says Mitt.
$8 Fee to Enter Manhattan If You Have a Cold, according to City Council's Congestion Pricing Plan. (Article: "When you blow your nose, you exhale more CO2, causing global warming. Also, you violate NYC noise regulations")
Musical Upstart Winehouse Snubs Grammys, Secertly Checks Into Rehab!
Cannibal disgusted to learn that Soylent Green made from soybeans, lentils.
Homeless Rates Down, Bloomberg Recruits Out-Of-State Vagrants to Provide City Residents Essential Schadenfreude
After Dining Out on Good Meal in East Orange, NJ, 35 Y.O. Manhattan Resident Commits Suicide: Note Sites, "Loss of Purpose."
Nostalgic Futurist Seeks Buddhist for Comfort.
Writers' Strike Over. Forouzandeh Ahmadinejad, Wife Of Iranian President, To Host Returning SNL. Mullahs Not Amused.
8 Year old Boy Hires "Last Airbender" to intimidate Sister
Parents Punish Preteen with loss of text plan -LOL!
Soccer Mom sets up Wi-Fi cafe at Township Park. No double expressos after second half
J.Lo - Behind in New Marriage Plans for 2007
"That is SO Adorable" bets out "That is SO Cute" in 2008 Baby Shower Awards
Dr. Pepper Brought Up On Charges for Practicing Without a License.
Amy Winehouse, via satellite, accepts Song of the Year award for "Rehab", from rehab.
Bush unveils new plan for energy independence, calls upon Americans to reduce use of petroleum jelly
Chimp, “Peanuts” from Pittsburgh Zoo Becomes Suddenly Self-Aware. Credits Tony Robbins.
Girl Actually Resembles My-Space Picture.
Re-igniting Partial Birth Debate, Republicans Vow to Make Vaginas Illegal
Bill Clinton to Barack Obama: "No, I'm Superfly!"
"Ralph Nader to Decide Whether to Cut His Nose Off to Spite His Face"
Jolie/Pitt Pioneer Use of Fetal Non-Disclosure Form
Austin, TX Man Accidentally Steals Own Identity
Shipment Of Imported "Date-Rape" Drug Revealed to be Harmless Toy
Passerby’s Invited to “Get Their Mormon On.” “Hell to the Yea’s” in Abundance.
Barack OSama Admits To Typo.
Prime Mortgages Only Divisible by Self, One
Leonard Lopate to Reveal
Correct Response to Phrase "Thank you for Joining Us"
Clinton Challenges Obama To Televised Spell-Off
Investment in Faux Estate at an All-Time High
"Chuck" Writers Disappointed Strike Is Over.
FCC Fines MSNBC for Overuse of the Term "Caucus"
Obama and Clinton Split the Moderate KKK Vote
Fax 2.0 Technology Revolutionizing the Way the Elderly Communicate
Police Arrest Local Grandmother for Breaking the Internet
Catholic Church to Consider Mortal Implications of Self-Googling
Friends Say Local Student's Perfect Attendance in Sociology Due to Hot Girl in Class
California Set to Hold Referendum on Whether to Outlaw Referendums
Partially Headless: Urban Hipster Laments Breaking Skull While Brakeless Track Bike Pothole Dodging
After Extensive Plastic Surgery, Cheney Ready to Assume Identity of Next VP
Arctic Ice Shelf Collapses, Lands on SUV
Local Girlfriend Ain't Mad, She's Just Saying
Toddler Possesses Weapons of Mass Construction
Storage Industry Calls for More Useless Crap
Distraught Rapper Is Not Ready to Do This
Conservatives Halt Funding for Government
White House Announces Plan to Privatize Public Libraries
Rock Band Does It for the Shareholders
Minimalist Sculpture Remains Unnoticed
For more, go to http://www.postpuree.com/archives/list and www.postpuree.com .
(Written during the Harriet Miers episode:)
BUSH NOMINATES TERRIER FOR SUPREME COURT VACANCY
Presidential Pet Would Be First Dog on High Court
Gets Nod Over President’s Mother
Washington, Oct. 15 (AP)
Citing “loyalty” as the key factor, President Bush today nominated his pet dog Barney to the Supreme Court....
Hillary declares she is candidate for change. Microsoft and McDonald's claim they are companies for change.
Female suicide bombers demand 72 experienced lovers, not virgins.
Writers strike over. Reality TV stars go back to being D-listers.
Undecided GOP voters still undecided. Can't figure out whether Cindy McCain is hot or scary looking.
Groundhog Day 2008: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Leaves Chamber, Sees Shadow. SCOTUS Analysts Predict Six More Weeks Of Textualism and Strict Interpretation Of The Constitution.
Man beats own in-house record for number of Q-tips
Friends confront woman on crouton salads
Metallurgical technician politely accepts fridge
First Home Depot seen from space to open soon
Friends already tired of Bill’s pinball machine
Athlete hopes this torn ACL doesn’t kill him
Three years to go on refill hand soap
Listerine offers bathtub-size trough
Friend ‘can’t believe you never saw that movie’
Sylvester the Cat president of bird conservancy
Herald Sq. Macy’s to debut shifting floors, mirages
Plastic knives still don’t work, says Earth
Brain coral wonders if zooanthellae interested
Friend-of-a-friend uses wrong spoon at dinner, too
MY SITE:
*http://tracerproda.livejournal.com/2006/07/
Vatican Council Embraces American Minor League Baseball. Pope Benedict XVI Issues Papal Bull Durham. Cult Of Susan Sarandon Offers Evidence Of Miracles.
"Student Protest Leads to Dance Dance Revolution"
"Inflated Art Market: Picture Now Worth 6,000 Words"
Two Clowns Less Funny Than One, Study Finds
Area Man Changes Name to Arnold Man
Local Paper's Book Review Scrapped for Blank Page Section
Local Comic Bones Up on Innuendo Humor
Magic Eye Painter Decides This One More About the Colors
Cushioned Coffins Preferred by the Dead, Study Finds
President Bush Announces his plans for his Presidential Papers for the First Presidential Childrens Library
Comments that this will be a continuation of the Leave No Child Left Behind Act including himself. First Lady Laura Bush, a former libarian, will be on staff to interpret his papers.
Giant Commode turned in to Modern Art Museum (picture of Guggenheim Renovation)
U.S. to Balance 2009 Budget and Solve Immigration: Plans Sale of Gadsden Purchase back to Mexico
Live from Caracas - Kentucky Man Defeats 140 Iraqi Jihadists in 6th Annual "Great Satan Shoot in the Air" Contest - Maintains State's Honored Position for 3rd Year in a Row
Man says "I done seen that whisky bottle flyin through the air, boy, and I went to shootin."
Recent polls show WNYC listeners not as clever as they are smart.
Ants Strike crippling farms nationwide!
Association of Hunched Mothers lobbies for seamless sidewalks
Peep show shut down for employing Minahs; repeat offender!
Olympic Committee bans Chinese athletes for illegal use of Hunan Growth Hormone; Bans them again one hour later
Vatican admits! Jesus was a spendthrift, NO savings found!
Ape goes bat-shit; bat goes ape-shit in copyright battle.
Pictures only paint 427 words for inner-city black students.
Cat lands on feet after losing job.
Pluto doesn't want to be a dumb old planet anyway.
Chicken pox diagnosis makes area man hungry for some KFC.
After much speculation, results.
Three-bedroom Colonial has an affair with 22-year-old secretary, blames mid-housing crisis.
Pilates not torture, Scalia dissents
“Congestion Pricing for Bicycles”
-East River crossings too crowded…
-Need to clear bike lanes for clueless Tourists…
-City to issue new bicycle Easypass (also good for strollers & skateboards)…
Science: Hitting Baseball Much Easier Than Previously Thought
"Clemens: 'The only thing I've been injected with was truth serum.'"
“Whoever Smelt it Dealt it” Defense Not Making Much Headway in Toxic Gas Leak Trial
Hillary takes a stand: "I'm not a b****, YOU'RE a b****"
Funky Music Fingered in White Boy’s Funky Death
(Belleville, Ill.) -- Shock, confusion and disbelief still reigned today on the sleepy streets of this St. Louis commuter town where this weekend a white boy’s attempts to get funky turned tragic after he laid down the boogie and played that funky music until he died.
Yellow police tape still encircles the split-level house on Umgarten drive where at a party on Friday night a 28 year old accountant began a freaky and fatal funk-out.
Apparently taking to heart the words of the 1976 hit from the one-hit wonder Wild Cherry, the low-level accountant Tim Rossford, started laying down the boogie around 8:30 pm and he did not stop until he died, sometime late the next day.
While the official cause of death has not yet been filed in a much-anticipated the coroner’s report, officials here were swift to assuage local fears of an outbreak.
“We have ruled out Rockin’ pneumonia. Nor have we seen evidence of any symptoms consistent with Boogie-Woogie flu, although that test won’t be back for a week or so,” Belleville police chief Hall Yablonski said in a statement.
“What we do know is that at the center of this tragedy there was the funk. The real funk. The uncut funk. This clearly was a grave, grave level of funk for a white boy to be playing with.”
Attorney Gen. bans waterboarding in interrogations but approves for detainee shampoos.
"Invisible Border Fence" proposal stalled. Mexicans balk at shock collar requirement for NAFTA reauthorization.
Rupert Murdoch Acquires The Atmosphere, Mulls Paid Subscription Model
Republicans dismiss global warming as a trend that only fat girls would wear.
8th-grade class all atwitter after discussing periods and colons in English class.
Yes, indeed, baby wants ba-ba!
Little girl's wish for pony comes true at Vietnamese restaurant.
$30,000 Manhattan Prep School gives scholarships
Healthcare Splash 2009
Feds, States, Bureaucrats, Insurance Companies, Drug Companies, Doctors, Lawyers - agree to work together for common good
"Year of the Rat" Celebrated Throughout Subway Terminals
Local man still thinks saying "Hollah!" is funny.
Detroit: GM Board hears Electric Car whispers at corporate séance - “Who’s laughing now you bunch of short-sighted, money-losing douchebags!”
FOX wows 18-35 yo demographic with stirring Jethro Tull Superbowl halftime show.
Blue balls set in as porn writers' strike hits 10th week.
3. Paris Hilton beheaded in Saudi Arabia for "unladylike behavior."
4. Air Instanbul to lure tourists with screening of "Midnight Express" on all flights.
5. Martin Sheen elected president: Declares Rye, NY and Greenwich, CT as "havens for the homeless."
6. Donald Trump to build low-cost housing: 10 miles underground
Area woman adopts, hoping to qualify as Neilsen Family
Local dog has confidence boost after learning he is part Rottweiler
Tree surgeon performs successful sap transfusion
Naked guy in gym locker room a welcome conversation partner
Local conservationist installs double panes and solar screens on window to his soul
Gisele's Valentine Revelation: Tom Brady won me over by speaking Klingon!
Area rappers throw their hands in the air but DO care!
Aunt Jemima charged in double homicide after finding Uncle Ben in love-nest with Mrs. Paul
Federal Stimulus Package fails to stimulate area woman.
Brazil wins right to host 2010 World Series, Hilary to sing at opening.
"Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice is a stimulant" says Olympic Boxing Board of Control
Dominicans Say Cockfighting Is in Their Blood (actual headline in today's NYT)
Op/ed piece: "Barack's the kinda guy I could sit down and have a Courvosier and Coke with."
Bush Approval Rating Soars as Primaries, Heath Ledger Keep Him out of News.
Mason Drops Trowel.
Badonkadonk Followed 12 Blocks Away from Appointment Address.
Sonny & Cher Breakup, E.T. Premiere Only Two Times Cheney Cried.
Wife's Advances Rejected in Favor of Latest Britney Oops.
Horoscope: Charm has never been your strong suit. It's also time to retire that plaid, 3-piece polyester number.
Horoscope: When the stars recommended you and your boss put your heads together to create great things, they didn't exactly mean the kind of oral sex that causes a 7-car pileup.
Horoscope: Everything will be coming up roses for you next week, as your funeral director is allergic to daisies.
Americans drop from too much shopping
Citywide distribution of magic markers and easing up on grafitti laws help curb tempers
"Britney, Paris, and Lindsay Go Shopping for Undies"
Man knocks out robber with frying pan: Finds out they kill.
Investigation: Dog show dogs deemed 'Bitchy'
Man Wins Local NPR Station Call-In Contest: Gives wife three days to congratulate him before he is forced to casually mention it
yoga teacher stuck after panties get in a twist
Leonard Lopate heard uttering the "N" word.
Man at Applebees force to open front door himself.
"Big Frickin' Deal Happens Somewhere Lame"
Cheese popcorn not viable excuse for waning job performance.
PLEASE! Bring back Larry Groznic and T. Herman Zweibel!
onion staff is self congratulatory on lopate
"No Child Soldier Left Behind" initiative announced in Democratic Republic of Congo
A million former homeowners move back to their former homes as Squatters. Bush orders miltary action
Brooke Gladstone Contemplates Her Disturbed Fans' Fetishes
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