On Demand
Going Gray Gracefully
At 49, Anne Kreamer was hit with the realization that she had to let go of her youth - and her dye job - to embrace aging gracefully. She tells the story of her transformation in Going Gray.
Event: Anne Kreamer will be speaking and signing books
Thursday, October 4 at 7 pm
Upper West Side Barnes & Noble
2289 Broadway, at 82nd Street
Anne Kreamer will be moderating a panel discussion at
The More Magazine Reinvention Convention
Tuesday, October 9
For more information, visit Anne Kreamer's website.
Purchase Going Gray: What I Learned About Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters at amazon.com.
Weigh in: Do you dye your hair? Why or why not?
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Let us talk for the moment about how things are, not how we wish they were.
In the working world, very few women can get away with letting their hair go grey. They must already be in a position of power (e.g. the much-vaunted Meryl Streep character in "The Devil Wears Prada" or Helen Mirren's chief detective), or in a position of unusual independence.
Creative, artistic types who don't deal with the everyday working world, can also get away with it. Some others, too. So that means artists, writers and academics.
The rest of us are largely stuck. I am changing careers in my mid-forties. I had to go back to school and do-- wait for it-- an internship. I had to make myself into as much of a simulacrum of a person with no past baggage-- basically no other life-- as possible. There was no way on earth I could have walked into an office and asked for an internship with my grays showing.
I'm hoping when I'm fully re-established in about five years, I can let the L'Oreal Preference go. It's a pain in the ass. But if I want to make a living now in the field I've chosen, it stays for now.
My hair began to turn gray in my early 30s, and at 55 it is completely gray. I colored it for several years when my children were small, but in my 40s, grew out the gray in search of "authenticity." Women I didn't know would sometimes stop me on the sidewalk and thank me for giving them the courage to try the same. I have been encouraged over the years to see more (they are few, but they're out there!) models with gray hair. Perhaps attitudes are slowly changing re: beauty and aging?
However, the bottom line is that New York is undoubtedly focused on a youthful concept of beauty (unlike the Southwest where beautiful, styish women of all ages seem extremely comfortable with their "grays"). After being discouraged and demoralized by negative reactions to my natural hair color, I colored it again.
But that didn't feel "authentic," and I am now in the process of growing it out again--hopefully, this time will be the last. It takes courage.
how could you stand the gray roots coming in? did you wear a turban for months???
We have allowed our society and mass culture convince us that growing old is ugly. Indeed, growing old is growing more beautiful, and something which should be worn as a badge of honor -- ESPECIALLY by women!
I will be 50 years old next week and have not every died my hair. Nor do I have any intention of doing so.
Some men, like me -- and I'm in my 30's -- find gray hair on a woman very attractive. I think it says something about depth and experience. Plus, it is so counterintuitive as to look utterly cool.
i am not at all "ashamed" to be my age, 63. i never considered dyeing my hair. it makes me sad that women are so intimidated into thinking they have to look "young." it's a shame we can't embrace who we are, at whatever age we are, without having to pretend we're something we're not.
I let my hair go back to its natural color (almost totally white, I'm 45) One tip i could give besides wearing alot of hats, was using mascara at the roots. This worked for quite along time. Comments from both men and women is tremdous almost every day some one compliments me. it was well worth it.
I think your listeners will find that vitamin E 400 - 800 units over a year will remove gray hairs. It prevents hair from turning gray and it takes time for the gray ones to fall out
I am 35 and I have premature gray hair since I was 16. If I don't dye my hair and let it grow gray I will look 10 to 15 years older than I actually am. My mom let her hair go gray in her 50s and she looks beautiful. I think I will think about it when I am in my 40s...
I died my hair for 15 years to cover the gray, until I went to a fashion show where one of the models was an older woman, with an older woman's figure and the most stunning silver hair. Her makeup and skin complemented her hair and she glowed with a healthy look. It was at that moment that I realized that it's not the color of your hair, but the condition of it, and the condition of your skin, that make a woman beautiful.
I haven't died my hair since.
Again, it is irritating me that Ms. Kreamer doesn't seem aware of the degree of privilege she is reflecting in her descriptions of "her world." It is different down here, Ms. Kreamer. I wish it wasnt. but it is.
Last year, at 49, I let my gray hair grow in. It wasn't a tough decision--more like 'I wonder what I look like with my natural color?' And frankly, I had damaged it, from using the coloring incorrectly. I love having my real color--it feels honest.
She is a stone cold fox with gray hair. No need to dye.
My 41 wife has been grey since we started dating 20 years ago. At 36 y/o, with the encouragement of myself, friends, and my now 12 y/o daughter, she decided to stop coloring her hair which she was tired of.
She keeps it short and fashionable and always gets compliments from other women about how wonderful it looks. This weekend, a younger woman asked if she dyed it that way. Oddly enough, the only negative comments she gets is from her mother and sisters who don't like it.
Thank you for addressing this important issue which seems to have so many people imprisoned by society's attitudes.
I'm 45 years old adn made the decision a year ago to go gray. Both of my parents had grayed beautifully prematurely so the genes were working for me. I have short hair and swim and coach swimming. It became a practical decision as well as I desire to be genuine.
My husband and son have been really supportive but my daughter was relauctant. SHe now sees it as my signature item in my appearance.
I will note that even Leonard has a bit of a bias with comments like "humiliating herself (author) in a magazine" "awful roots". This is why women are so reluctant -- they think they'll be judged!
Jamie Lee Curtis was my role model and More Magazine has done wonderful things to embrace gray divas :)
Women with all gray hair look amazing - wish I could do it. I'm 45 and the gray sideburn and crown look is not so hot. I hate coloring but the way I'm going gray is not attractive. My dad had largely (naturally) dark hair until he died at 76.
The dyed chestnut shade most men go for is hideous and ageing - see Paul McCartney for one.
i was fully gray in my twenties and now am 54. i never dyed my hair; i get compliments from strangers in the street all the time. other women who are too young for grey hair acknowledge each other with a knowing smile. young children think i'm older than i am. comtemporaries seem to know my true age and older women say "you should dye your hair"!!!
I am a 31 year old woman who has always thought that long gray hair is beautiful and elegant, and often find myself wishing that my brown hair would start to turn gray...My mother is in her early 60s and has the most beautiful black hair with just a few strands of gray coming in and so far is choosing not to dye her hair, a decision I support completely.
I think our society's impetus to deny so many of life's realities, including the fact that people do in fact age, is incredibly unhealthy and dangerous.
On Match.com it is very common for men to specifically put all hair colors except gray in their searches, which I always find surprising.
British women may not dye their hair, but the rest of Europe, particularly France and Spain, have been dying hair years before the U.S. from what I remember seeing as a child.
Just observations...I'm all for gray.
Most women have bad hair color selection and their roots are not keep up !!!!!!!!!!!!!! God gave you your most natural color for your skin type and your gray is natural as well as beautiful. Some of you should really look in the mirror............ and tell the truth............
well yes when it's really gray, that's OK but some blondes lose color before it turns to gray and it needs a little boost on the way to being gray = or mine does, anyway, highlights. When my hair wants to be gray, it will be gray. My father (also light) didn't really gray till 65.
Yes, I dye my hair although I haven't always dyed it and I've dyed it almost all of different shades of the rainbow at different ages of my life. Like Anne said, it is a mutable element of our identity that is fun to play around with. I've always done weird things with my hair because I figured that it will always grow out and I can try something new the next time if I don't like the results.
That said, I'm in my mid-40s and I primarily dye my hair now not for fun but because of the gray. I wouldn't mind if I went all gray but it is just in certain places (brow, temples, top of my head) and I'm trying to enter a new profession and I don't want to highlight the fact that I'm over 40. It's a pragmatic choice rather than one about vanity...at least that is what I tell myself. I think once I get a secure job in my field, I'll just go natural once enough of my hair is gray that it is flattering rather than just random gray strands here and there.
It was a shock though, seeing my first gray hair when I was 27. Now, the only ones that bother me, psychologically, are the gray hairs that I see appearing in my eyebrows. That makes me feel like my grandfather!
I have faithfully followed Ms Kreamer's journey from her first article in MORE (6/06) to-date. Yes - I was a coloring junkie for decades. First, for fun effect, then to cover incoming grays.
In 11/06 I had a horrific and life threatening reaction to hair dye. In February, it was confirmed I can never really safely dye my hair again.
So I did not 'choose' to be authentic. I searched for wisdom, experience and enlightenment on the process of transforming to 'gray'. Hers was the best available advice along with the Diana Lewis Jewell book that is now out of print.
Being a professional business woman it is very tough to go out and about confidently with 5 inches of root! When I had hair envy of 70 plus year olds I knew I was in rough waters!
I have been asked everything now about my hair as it goes through metamorphisis including whether I have cancer.
For now, I tough it out, and hope as hell that like puberty, I will emerge from this awkward stage a butterfly:-)
In the interim, I have learned to focus on the important in life and maybe I AM really an authentic woman after all:-)
Dawn
I started going gray in my 40's and briefly dyed my hair- never liking the results- the color never seemed right. I decided to let the gray grow in, and to see what it looked like. As an artist, I am aware of the fact that it's not gray hair that's at issue, it's the particular gray that each person has, and whether it looks good on them. I am 54 years old and really like the gray on me. If it ever looks "yellowish" or unbecoming in any way, then I might think about dying it. For now, I'm enjoying the way my hair color is always changing on its own.
I'm 42, and I'm watching my body starting to slowly age with great fascination.
I've got a couple of those silver ones going on, but my genetic makeup tells me that I won't be going grey anytime soon.
Would I cover them up? Absolutely not.
If I'm going to go grey, I'll just get a nice pair of purple glasses to set the grey off!
Today I had the last of my brown hair cut off to reveal all of my salt and pepper locks. It took the better part of 8 months to grow my hair to a length that I could live with. It is now a "long, short style". I was strongly encouraged and supported by my husband 5.5 years younger than I to go natural.(I am 55)
I do feel strangely liberated and proud of myself. I have always been told how much younger than my age I look. I still feel youthful and vibrant. Gray hair does not take away our youth or attractiveness. However a negative attitude about aging does.
Do women stop polishing their nails when they get older? Is polishing nails a development of nature? Of course not. It enhances one's beauty. So why not enhance one's beauty by dyeing one's hair? Also, hair that is grey is usually drier and less shiny than naturally colored hair or dyed hair.
In order for my hair to look nice (or in other words, brown) for weddings and other social occasions, I had to plan my coloring appointments very carefully every six weeks, checking the calendar frequently. This became very inconvenient at times. I would have to pick and choose which occasion I would rather look good for, since the grey roots were there after only two weeks. I felt like I was a slave to my scalp! Also, since I quit the dye, my hair is now growing in thicker. Before, I had thinned out areas in my scalp. My husband likes it, and my 15 yr. old thinks it will be cool when it's done growing in.
Point definitely taken. But Ms. Kreamer is an upper class Harvard graduate married to a high profile media personality - she can do what she wants and her status will always protect her. She probably won't be applying for a job as an administrative assistant anytime soon and having to compete for work with someone decades younger. A working class or lower middle class woman has no such advantage and no need to prove the authenticity of her life but she does need to find a job in a world that disdains her.
I started to go gray about two years ago and I am now twenty-nine. I blame my father's side of the family. I have dark brown, almost black hair which I was often asked if it was my real color. When I started going increasingly gray, I began to feel really insecure and self-conscious, but was resistant to dying my hair because I never have before, and I felt it best to wait as long as I could. Finally, with encouragement from my mother, I started to dye my hair, and I felt a lot better, though it is a pain in the ass, expensive and needs to be redone every few months. I just spent the summer out of NYC and I am feeling a lot more chill and less consumed with the pressures of looking as perfect and put together as possible. Mostly, people like my gray hair, some people say it adds to my sex appeal, but I don't get it. Still, my gray hair has grown back in and I am going to give it a try again because I like knowing the rest of my hair is its true color-- more nuanced in its tones than dyed hair. Its a subject that weighs on my mind, though.
If 60 is the new 40, gray is the new blond! I am 65 and have had long salt and pepper hair for at least 15 years. Since I get compliments on my hair from complete strangers wherever I travel in the world, I'd be CRAZY to color it! I am surprised when people ask if my color is natural, as if someone would ever choose gray. And the older and grayer I get the younger the men are who tell me that I'm sexy and attractive!
Most refreshing. I suddenly woke up and realized I was going to be 60 next year. After a lifetime of being beautiful and mistaken for ten years younger than I am, I am starting to put on weight and look like a "real grown up." We need more boomers to get real.
No one wants to turn gray prematurely.
I do not dye my hair as I heard it is harmful,for one thing,and another,I had contempt for for women wanting to look younger than their age when I was young.
I would be a hypocrite if I tried something like that.
i have died my hair since i was 30 and not i am 51. i am tired of the process of going every 4 - 5 weeks. i am letting nature take it's course.it is so liberalizing. i am so glad that others have gone before me. i wish that we could think of a way to go gracefully to naturel without the tell tale lines of dyed job to nature... but is guess that there is no graceful way. I am 51 and proud of it!!!!!! Carla
I decided to bite the bullet and go grey. I would love to keep my once natural espresso color but now my natural color appears to be a salt and pepper grey. After years of dyeing my hair I've developed allergic reactions to hair dye. Its just not worth it. I put my health above my perceptions of youth and beauty. I'm 50 and I like being 50. If I don't like the grey I can return to dyeing my hair, but I think I'm really going to like it.
Okay, so now it's been three months since I left a comment about the fact that I stopped dyeing my hair. I would like you to know that hair is growing in where I thought it was previously gone for good!! There used to be a lot of hair in my hairbrush after I would style it, but not anymore. I really think those chemicals are harmful. I've gotten several comments from people about how much they like my hair (and it's still going through the growing out stage.) I feel relieved that I quit the dye!
I have been going grey since I was 16 and now at 39 I have come to the conclusion that I want to let it go grey. After years of coloring I am tired of the hassle and my hair never looks right, Always to light or dark or both at the same time. Not to mention fried. I am just about 75% grey, and scared to death. Any tips or sugestions on how to gracefully grow it out. I have not any support with my family so I am on my own and need some support. I was thinking of doing the temporary dies to help with the growing out process. I would love any help you have to offer
This is for Dawn: Congratulations on getting off the hamster wheel of dying your hair. I was scared the first time I let it go gray, so I decided to use a temporary rinse instead of dye. The rinse wears off quickly, which is why I finally decided to just bite the bullet and go gray for sure this time. It's hard to go cold turkey, but I did it because I was truly sick of coloring it. Get a copy of "Going Gray, Looking Great!" by Diana Lewis Jewell. It has tons of tips on how to make the break without looking bad. Best of luck -- you can do it!
does anyone have or willing to sell the book Going gray,Looking great. I cant find it anywhere at a reasonable price.
I think the best approach to going gray would be to visit a hair salon that you trust, and find someone who is willing to work with you about letting it grow out naturally. If you get a hair stylist who tries to talk you out of doing it, find someone else. You need a supportive person. (Sorry about the book, I didn't realize it was no longer available.)
I talked with my stylist this morning after a major cut, i took it to a short bob which I really like so hopefully it wont take to horifically long to grow out. My stylist is really supportive, she talked about doing some lightening on the ends to help breake up the dreaded line forming down the middle of my head so I will give it till March and I will get that done.
I also searched and searched for the book and finally found a copy for 25.00. Everyone else has it priced from 75 to 150.00 dollars. Isn't that crazy.
Wow -- I'm very happy for you Dawn! Just remember that you have to be patient, and give yourself pep talks now and again. You will soon be very happy with yourself (and dye-free :)
I know, what's up with the price of that book?? It is so crazy. I know it is helpful, but certainly nowhere worth $150.00! Apparently there are a lot of women out there who want to go gray and need advice (if an out-of-print book is in that much demand.) Authors out there take note -- Please give us more books on helping us become our natural selves!
I posted as the first 'Dawn' but see there is another so to avoid confusion.
Glad I checked back. Please don't buy the used copies of Diana Lewis Jewell's book "Going Gray, Looking Great" being scalped at ridiculously inflated prices.
After much looking I found out Diana launched a website in December called www.goinggraylookinggreat.com. On that site you can order a new copy of her book for a reasonable price AND the site has tons of info and Cafe Gray - a place for all of us to share our stories, experiences, tips etc.
Check it out!
Hair- maybe, though supplement would go a long way to prevent premature grays, and hena and indigo are a healthy alternatives to dyes that will keep your hair thick and super healthy till the end. But, common people, to let your body go down the drain with age?! There is no such thing as 'beautiful aged body'. There is bodybuilding and yoga and if you spend enough time in the gym and do your research in the field of muscle building and health-enhancing nutrition, you'll be healthy inside and youthful outside. Screw the aging. I want the younger guys ogling my behind till I drop dead.
Luckily, I enjoy wearing my hair straight back now and then. My hair has always been a dark rich brown, but I'm tired of coloring. I'm a youthful 60 and getting used to the idea of turning gray. When I wear it back in a pony tail or a chignon or such it actually looks good and the gray (only about 35%) blends gracefully with the dark. It helps that the last time I colored it, the color I chose was exactly my natural color, so it's been a fairly painless experience so far. My hair has been thinning out too, which freaks me out..so hopefully now that I've stopped coloring it.. it may thicken up a bit. I love how the gray looks at the temples! I feel very Anne Bancroft.
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