wnyc.org / 93.9fm / am 820

When the Time Comes was a thorough broadcast. I'm the daughter who has risen to care for a 91 yr. old father. There are many rewards & frustrations. My father was asked to leave his rent controlled apt.so it could be turned into a housing facility for the homeless, he fell into Medicare's donut hole, lost his General Motors secondary insurance, forgot how to turn on his oxygen, & now has "some" dementia, his friends are gone, a girlfriend of 13 yrs. dumped him three yrs. ago. I cook his fave foods, buy clothes, got him cablr & to the many doctors. The list goes on. I love him & he pays his way and this is incredibly demanding. He's such a character though I've been including him in my memoir & now gave him room on my website www.Geraldeena.com & now his own webpage too www.Dadadad.com

Ilze Earner made a comment that she and her husband have taken steps so that as they aged they would not find themselves in the same predicament as her mother. I would like to know what steps she took and I don't think she mentioned them.

An important thing about nursing homes is that YOU have to assume some responsibility for your parent's care. I attended the periodic Health care meetings as well as visiting her twice a week.I didn't hesitant to speak up if need be. I have to say that my mother did received good care in the four and a half years she was a resident.

To Answer Carl fromLong Valley, as to why the 'assisted' in Assisted Living varies so greatly. Unfortunately Assisted Living unlike nursing homes, aka geriatric care facilities has only recently begun to be regulate across the country. In NY, where the regulations were passed approx. 3+ years ago, the final details and approvals have not been implemented yet. Assisted Living is usually a package of ala carte services that can cover everything from laundry, medication reminders,transportation, escorting etc- as opposed to independent living- which basically includes hospitality services such as meals, activities and light housekeeping.
As they say, buyer beware- read the small print when visiting and make sure you are comparing apples to apples

can anyone explaon why the "assisted" in 'assisted living' is so variable? It seems like it can be anything-- or almost nothing, and the facility decides what it means and what it costs - if they want to do it.

I'm one of those people who is giving care to my mother who is terminally ill. She lives in Nassau County and the Hospice Care Network provides us with a 4 hrs a day 5 days a week home health care aide, a nurse once a week and a doctor when necessary. They all come to the house. I am sure all of that is available to everyone who lives in the 5 boroughs and the close suburbs. I, like most of my childless friends in our fiftie, wonder about the same question as Jay - but after living through this with my mom I see that even if the healthcare sucks in this country, the hospice care is pretty good at the moment.

Photographer Phil Toledano has a beautiful chronicle of his father's last year or so when he was in his late 90s and living with Toledano.

The images are amazing and so touching:

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/

Hi Leonard,

Julie Winokur and Ed Kashi made a documentary a few years ago called the Sandwich Generation and it offered a glimpse of adult children struggling of care for an aging parent with dementia.

Here's the link. http://mediastorm.org/0009.htm

Has Jay's question above been addressed already by the speakers?

It must be one of great concern not just for gay people, but for people who choose not to marry and have kids (or end up that way even if not by choice).

Did Paula cover any "singletons" on this subject?

PS - Hi to Paula, I believe I was in her class co-taught with Laura Muha at Columbia in 2001.

Maria

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this book and show. I am the youngest of 6 siblngs all involved in caring for and managing the care for our parents. Among my siblings we are, an RN, a financial planner and attorney. I myself work for a non profit organization with an emphasis on issues of the aging. As we struggle with our parents failing health, the multiple decisions regarding their care,etc,, I cannot imagine seniors having to manage their way through the labyrinth of a system that is lacking so. I believe we all need and must be educated about these very important issues. It's not terribly exciting and doesn't "sell" well but oh is it so needed. We must talk and share our information to get us all educated. To wait until it's right in our face is just much too late. Thank you.

My grandmother was partially paralyzed and lost her speech due to a stroke. She lived with us after a sad, sad time in a nursing home from the time I was 11 until I was 19 years old. That experience was both hard and rewarding, and shaped my personality.

would u please discuss what happens in the case of elderly gay men and women, who do not have spouses or children who can take care of them, or who are estranged from their straight family members? what is available for them?

My family works very hard to help keep my grandparents in their home. We have become a multigenerational household to provide adequate supervision and care. Unfortunately my grandfather became too ill to stay at home and went to a nursing home. Nursing homes are overwhelmed with patients; there is not enough staff for care much less any stimulation for the residence. Even with frequent visits his health declined at what seemed to me a faster rate then if he was at home. We luckily have been able to take care of my grandmother. She is very independent but has fallen a few times and we are constantly worried. Though it is a challenge every day I would much rather go through those challenges then see her in a nursing home.

become a multigenerational household to provide adequate supervision and care. Unfortunately my grandfather became too ill to stay at home and went to a nursing home. Nursing homes are overwhelmed with patients; there is not enough staff for care much less any stimulation for the residence. Even with frequent visits his health declined at what seemed to me a faster rate then if he was at home. We luckily have been able to take care of my grandmother. She is very independent but has fallen a few times and we are constantly worried. Though it is a challenge every day I would much rather go through those challenges then see her in a nursing home.

Regarding your father in the wheel chair, Medicare has what they describe as "never" events, one of them is a fall. If the person falls while under care, medicare will not pay.

Tom

My husband and I currently live with his mother who is legally blind and cannot walk on her own. After four years of living in the basement of her home, we plan to move to our own place about five minutes away. Will she be eligible for any at home care due to her age and disability?