The Brian Lehrer Show

There's a good reason why women don't "ask for it." The best case is that the answer is "no." Much more frequently, the boss takes it as a sign of uppityness and a negative reflection on the worker.

This is totally true in all respects of life, for both men and women. If you don't ask for something, it's a rare day that someone will offer you something. People often wonder at how I get this or that, or achieve this or that, and I always respond "I asked for it." It rarely hurts to ask. And what's the big deal when someone says no? I'm always ready for the negative answer, and never daunted. Probably I ask in the right way, or I'd never be as satisfied with the results. Ask and you shall (possibly) receive.

Women need to be more aggressive in the work place and go for it. We need to stop being afraid to ask and for all genders, the mantra it is not what you say but how you say it.

I used to be a Pharmaceutical Rep and had a Sales Manager who said "If you don't ask, you don't get".

And so why do you think Hillary is taking so much cr-p in this election cycle?

I recently got a new great job with a great offer. Earlier that week I heard on WNYC that women don't negotiate, so I took a deep breath steadied my hands & ask for more money (for the heck of it & for female pride) & they did not blink & gave me $5,000 more. ( I probably didn't ask for enough!)

i'm just a girl....

Reminds me of the Pete Seeger line, "Take it easy, but take it."

By the way, NOBODY likes to see someone tremble or cringe in anticipation of a "no" while they ask for something. If you're going to ask, be a good sport. Often I think women try to pull the all too passive-agressive pity card on their colleagues (men and women alike). It's pathetic to see, and would make me want to kick someone's butt in addition to responding "no".

Is it not important to also look at how well those assertive men do their jobs? How good they are for the world? And how well liked they are?

Because it seems fairly obvious that assertive men cause a lot of problems. And they make life miserable for others.

So men should perhaps be learning from women a bit here too!

Aren't we playing into the very stereotypes that you are trying to fight by suggesting that women be "charming and warm" in their negotiations? I think it is an unhealthy burden to suggest that women must be likable to get what they want. I think we should be working to change these stereotypes, not play into them.

I notice a difference between me and my two sisters - both younger, one much younger - the baby has the most "entitlement" or permission from the culture to be acquisitive. But none of us makes what we are worth.

After all, the reason for a lot of hesitation and "not asking" is the suspicion that there is somebody with a better idea. I.e. it's about stepping aside for somebody else. Sometimes this is bad, but sometimes this is very good. The problem with assertive men is that they've been raised to think they know better!

Linda said it's more acceptable for men to "ask for it" with confidence & competence. Which implies that it's unacceptable for women to project confidence & competence? I think the real question is not how women need to adapt to this but how do we *change* it? What will it take to make it OK for women to ask "like a man," or better yet, to make these categories obsolete?

I am a 32 year old female lawyer. About a year and a half ago, when I was going into my 5th year in the practice of law and my 4th year at the firm in which I was working, I had the audacity to ask my firm for a raise from 60,000 to 75,000 in a professional, assertive, but friendly manner. Keep in mind I was billing approximately $250,000 per year these for four male partners. I also included why my work merited that salary as well as the fact that I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments (which were no longer eligible for deferment) at any salary less than that. I made it clear I was open to further discussion. I was responded to in an extremely angry and unprofessional manner, and told that I should beware in the future of how I come across to others. In so many words, I was told that I should be grateful for what I had, including a desk, books, computer, and a westlaw account! Up until this point I had a very comfortable working relationship with all of the partners and would go as far as to say that we were friends. Needless to say, that I immediately gave my two weeks notice. For my last two weeks at work, no one spoke to me, thanked me for my 4 years of stellar work at the firm or even said good bye. Clearly I was too assertive for them.

Being likeable helps ANYBODY to get what they want... coming into a room and appearing cold and belligerent will rarely produce desired results for someone regardless of gender. If your intent is to spread fear, than that might be the tactic of choice. Otherwise, you have to turn on the charm.

Shouldn't everyone be "charming and warm"? Look at Bill Clinton. It got him far!

Personally, I think the media keeps stereotyping by saying Hillary did well after she cried because she had a more "feminine" reaction

I think she displayed a more HUMAN reactiom and that was what was appealing in contrast to her usually very political, programmed facade. Romney who also seemed overly programmed and "political" is now long gone from the race. I have news for the media...men cry too...we're not all robots. This idea that her reaction of tearing up was more "feminine" is insulting to both genders.

I agree with comment #16

It's not like a guy coming into a room and being a total jerk is going to go over well either....

try timing your negotiating for when you are ovulating.

use what ya got. they do.

this will of course only work if you are younger (not post menopausal) and negotiating with a man.

Hillary Clinton is Exhibit A for this entire premise. When she's strong and forceful, she's aggressive, unattractive, "rhymes with witch," "a monster" as was discussed in your previous segment. Just listen to Chris Matthews for the litany plus his own special brand of misogeny. But, when she shows her vulnerable side -- she's calculating, manipulative, insincere, even "faking it". I'll bet my yearly salary (which is not enough) that she earned less than her male counterparts at the Arkansas law firm she worked for. Women absolutely can't win.

Well, the other question is though: Is it so wrong to be happy with just making a certain amount? I'm not saying women should settle, but in the case of that anecdote about the woman working for the non-profit, what's wrong with saying "I make enough already." As someone who wants to go into non-profit work, I accept that I'm not going into it for the money. I want enough to live with reasonable comfort. The rest? Let the non-profit put that money towards their programs.

why is this a gender question? i'm a guy and i have all these same reasons to hesitate when negotiating--and i know many other guys who feel the same way.

OY -- expecting businesses to celebrate when women ask for more -- and honor their requests! What planet are these ladies on. Good luck. Businesses have every reason to keep women's salaries low. It's the low salaries they pay their women employees that allows these executives to give themselves princely remuneration. Even women CEO's earn less than their male counterparts.

How much of what these authors are advocating is just plain hucksterism? The "upbeat attitude", etc.?

I'll give up the 1/2 million in lifetime earnings to not be a huckster.

Those badges sound like a good idea. Teaching negotiation skills is always something useful... not just because it can help someone get what they want, but also because it can keep conflict from becoming negative. If only we were all better negotiators!

Wait a minute--what about the other 2 steps?

Thanks so much. I hope it's not too late for an almost 60 year old to just ask for it when I figure out what I want to ask for! this is part of what happens when for so long you just don't ask for it.

I am an artist and I find that it can be even more nuanced when dealing with gallerists. I had an offer from a gallerist many months ago, to be in a show during 2008. I have attended some of the openings and visited her gallery during the day. She says hello, but never really mentions the offer. I am afraid to ask her directly because I am worried she will be annoyed by me. Is this another example of a timid woman not asking for what she wants? Or is the art world so annoyingly one-sided that there is no good solution?

Liz, I think it's a common fear shared by men and women. I think I'd find myself hesitant too if I were in your position. Any time when you have someone with limited power dealing with someone with a great deal of power (at least within their particular sphere) that's going to be the case. If somebody needs something you have to offer, it puts you in a much better position. On the other hand, if they could just as easily do without whatever you have to offer, then you're taking a big risk by potentially irritating them.

I got a graduate degree at Columbia - a masters in fine arts. The MFA degree is getting more and more prevalent, and many of my colleagues with whom I graduated are struggling to repay their loans. The burden of paying for an MFA, in many cases, seems to me to prevent you from making your art after you graduate because you have neither the time nor the resources pay it back. Too many painters, writers, actors and filmmakers have to take "day jobs" to repay their loans that make it very difficult to pursue the craft that they paid so much to perfect.