wnyc.org / 93.9fm / am 820

Comments

• [1] Jon P. from Hewitt, NJ August 21, 2007 - 10:48AM

  Sounds like a great idea for the biological parent. They get to give up all the financial and emotional responsibility to the adoptive parent and not have to worry about it…… Have your cake and eat it to?

  
  
• [2] marisa from brooklyn August 21, 2007 - 10:54AM

  Open Adoption is an opportunity to discuss the rights of the child, rather than only those of the birth and adoptive parents. Adoption can be very traumatic to the children. Sealed records seem to be a result of the shame on the part of both sets of parents. As adoption no longer carries this shame, open adoption & opening sealed records is imperative.

  
  
• [3] Gina S. from Montclair, NJ August 21, 2007 - 11:04AM

  As the mother of a beautiful 19-month-old in open adoption, I can say that this is not about her birth mom "having her cake and eating it too." It's about our daughter knowing where she came from and having her questions answered, her birth mother knowing that she is safe and healthy and happy and being able to see her grow up, and us having information about her family history. We love our daughter's birth mother for entrusting us with her child, and we love sharing with her the joy as our little girl grows up.

  Open adoption may not be for everyone, but it was absolutely the right choice for us. I'm just sorry that your program didn't allow more time for discussing this important issue.

  
  
• [4] Lonnie from Brooklyn August 21, 2007 - 10:24PM

  The 'Have your cake & eat it' characterization may be a bit harsh-- so I took a day to think before I posted. My criticism is thus:

  When the child is cooing, giggling and wiggling its cute little bootied feet-- and everyone is sitting around the kitchen table smiling over their cups of coffee-- this idea seems harmless and even endearing.

  What happens when the child turns to the terrible Two's? What happens when the child is a 9 yr old monster who's learned the power of "NO, I dont WANNA!!!"? What happens when the Sulking Teenager says 'Whatever' when confronted with a curfew and then disobeys? What does the Actual parent do when the words "I don't to do anything you say-- you're not my momma!" are thrown in their faces?

  The term for this type of setup is called "Meddling". And in the end, No-one like a Meddler.

  I say-- Let us hear from adoptive parents of teenagers who have gone through this arrangement. Let's hear a Good Story-- and let's hear a Bad one. Side by side. Then we can judge.

  
  
• [5] Coley August 21, 2007 - 10:52PM

  In reference to Lonnie's comments about the teenager growing up and saying "I don't have to do what you say because you are not my real Mom" -

  That can happen in ANY adoption situation whether it is an open adoption or not. If the child knows that he or she is adopted then they can throw that up in their parents face at any time whether they have a relationship with their birth parents or not.

  
  
• [6] Lonnie from Brooklyn August 22, 2007 - 01:55PM

  A point about those dreaded teenage words happening in ANY adoptive situation.

  The difference here is that the OTHER Mom is just a cellphone call away. The situation being created is one where the Adoptive parents now become the "ACTUAL" parent along with the REAL Mom who may have the ability to walk in, criticize and take sides. What if the Teenager has a dispute or a blow up with the Actual parent and runs in tears to the REAL mom. What if the child does not tell the TRUTH to the Real Mom? ACS will be called on the ACTUAL Parents as The REAL Mom steps in as the defender for HER Flesh & Blood.

  Remember that the Real Birth Mom is not a Sister or a Grandma. I remember running to Grandma- and she, in turn, took me by the hand and brought me BACK to My Parents-- and told me "Obey your parents" Because My Parents were HER children.

  Can the Adoptive Parents trust a fair-weather mom to do the same?

  
  
• [7] Lizzy from Randolph, NJ August 23, 2007 - 02:25PM

  I am a birthmother who has the God-given privilege of knowing that my child, who is now 10 and was placed at birth with parents whom I chose, is safe, blessed and healthy. He is gifted, plays soccer, and is extremely cute and well-loved.

  I have been provided with this knowledge firsthand through visits; and secondhand through emails, photos, and letters from him and his parents. I am very grateful that his parents have been the best I could have wished for.

  I will also tell you that there have been many years of pain, loss and grief. I do not "have my cake and eat it, too." While I do get to live my life without a dependent, I also get to grieve on Mother's Day, his birthday, Christmas (although sometimes I have visited him then, which has been great -- except for saying goodbye), and other special occasions... as well as many "everyday" occasions while seeing other children playing happily with their parents, seeing pregnant women and remembering my own mournful pregnancy, holding infants that are not my own... There is no "having my cake and eating it, too." There is, thank God, the dignity and self-respect of knowing my son is receiving much, much more adequate care than either I or his birthfather could have provided.

  
  
• [8] Dawn from Parsippany, NJ August 24, 2007 - 09:45AM

  To the individual who stated "have your cake and eat it to" it is people like you that would have allowed me to terminate my pregnancy as opposed to have my child raised by and unloving, cold and ignorant individual. You have no clue what a difficult and painful decision it is to give up your child. Hopefully, you will never have any, if you do I will pray for them. Everyone's situation is different. Circustances must be severe to make such a decision. For me, being able to give the gift of life to two loving individuals who were unable to do so themselves was the greatest experience in the world. To know that my son is having the life I would have wanted to give him, but couldn't, is a piece of mind you can't imagine. For him to know that I loved him enough to let him go ....but I am always here if he needs me....not as his mother, cause I am not and could never be, but as someone who loves him just as much!

  
  
• [9] Gina S. from Montclair, NJ August 24, 2007 - 08:19PM

  Lonnie: first, I am my daughter's REAL mom, thanks very much.

  Second: my daughter's first mother trusted us, people she had only just come to know, to care for her beloved daughter the way she would have wanted to care for her but knew she could not. That's the most amazing thing I can ever imagine. I have no problem trusting her to be a part of our daughter's life. If you choose to look at something wonderful like that with paranoia and suspicion, that's your problem.