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i don't pretend to understand what works (or doesn't) for other couples. as far as my marital relationship goes, it has certainly gotten stronger since having children. maybe it's a new willingness to call each other out on things (instead of letting them fester) and to try and work on our issues, or an appreciation for how hard each of us is working to make a great family. one thing is for sure: we have a lot of support and help from family and friends. this enables us to take time for ourselves and as a couple. in today's world few people are lucky enough to live near extended family (or have a good enough relationship with them) and get that type of support.

My husband and I have had two very medically fragile babies (both now healthy) and that experience has strengthened out bond beyond anything we might have imagined. But we have also been witness to the destruction of similarly challenged couples. We think it comes down to three things: a genuine willingness to put another's needs ahead of your own, a genuine fondness for each other and an ability to make each other laugh.

We were married 7 years before we had our first. I don't think that makes a difference in success with being married with children.

Believe me, the issues you don't address before the children - mostly related to one's own childhood - are still there after, and magnified, no matter how long you are together.

I find it remarkable that people want children but then fight to get out of the job of staying home raise them. Those years pass quickly, and there is time for work once they are in school full time. Part time work is also a temporary option.

If couples were really working cooperatively to raise their family both partners would recognize that they are each sacrificing in there own way. Children are not the cause of marital discord. Self centered adults are.

This really hits a chord with me.

My wife and I have three boys, all planned and wanted and loved. She works in the airline industry, which allows her to pick a schedule to try to spend time with the children (ages 16 > 8), but is normally asleep by 7pm. I work an 8-5 job.

This works out fine for the boys, but has pretty much ruined our marriage. We haven't been on a "date" in 10 years, rarely converse in any way other than email or cell phone, and forget about "alone time".

Note to young parents: Tag-team parenting is to be avoided at all cost. The time you spend together is the absolute best gift you can give to each other regardless of the loved new humans you bring in to your family.

Women lose their sense of "self" when they have children. They are no longer the most important person in their world once a child is born. So you have this woman you loved and married who turns into a mother...your mother. I'll pass. I love my wife and I don't ever regret not having children. When we have the time and the selflessness required to properly raise children - we'll adopt.

IF YOU ARE TOO SELFISH TO GET HAVE KIDS -- OR GETTING MARRIED -- PLEASE DON'T!!! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING MARRIED TO YOURSELF!!

BIG RESPONSIBILITIES!!

Cmon -- social clubs?

those were killed by tv and long commutes, not overparenting.

I am glad you're doing this segment. I'm 31 and single, and I was a little depressed after the holidays when I saw my siblings with their kids. I did, however, run into some old high school friends, who had married, had kids and then divorced. That made me feel better about my situation. I saw Revolutionary Road, and now I know that I've made the right decision. I was never ready to get married and settle down, and I'm glad I didn't give into my ex-girlfriend's pressure to do so.

We aren't married and don't have children, but with the recent economic troubles, my work has dissolved, so this topic may also contribute as an uncommon economic indicator. Due to my lack of work, I've been home lately, and feel like the de-factor home-maker, while my man is out earning the money. I'm making a bit of money and still have savings, but this setup has made me very uncomfortable. I was raised by bohemians and I am not a fan of traditional gender roles. The situation is troubling, because I see it as a snapshot of what could be, if we were to have a family (I would be the one to "give in").

Mel
maybe it's cause they can't marry?

More time with the kids?

It would seem too much time with the kids.

This would explain the increasing incidence of neurotic kids and tedious parents. This is a major and troubling pandemic in society.

Dan

Marriage is obsolete. Time to go for "Brave New World" and start producing the next generation in quality-controlled factories in accordance to socially approved specifications. Marriage was useful in backward societies, but modern biotechnologies has superseded the need for this troublesome, annoying "institution." This is the 21st century, for crying out loud!

The statistics are helpful -- makes me feel less alone, knowing that my marriage isn't the only one that seems to have fallen into such traditional gender roles when we had children. It was never our plan, and yet we find ourselves in quarrels that sound like something from a stereotypical 1950s household.

My husband and I are expecting a baby.

Some couples we know have the dynamic the guest described (man working more/woman at home etc) and seem to have lost the "friendship" aspect of their marriage. When we decided to start a family we decided to model ourselves after the gay couples we know... breaking down bread-winning, child rearing, and home tasks based on strengths/weaknesses etc. and not on gender roles. Our gay friends with kids seem so much closer and happier that our straight friends.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years this month. Before getting married, we decided not to have children (I've known I didn't want children since I was a teenager and haven't EVER regretted the decision). EVERY ONE OF OUR FRIENDS who has children has gotten divorced (at least once and often multiple times). Our few childless friends, like us, are still married.

More importantly, my husband are I are more in love now than we were when we got married.

Curious.

1. Let's thank those underparenting parents of the 60s for the wonderful children who made Wall St. what it is today. Enjoy your retirements, boomers!

2. Ask one of those 60s and 70s kids WHY they are spending more time with their own kids than their parents did with them. Do the words, "I'm not making the same mistake" come up??

Listener from the Bronx:

That is an interesting point. Perhaps some of the problems couples face when they have kids is due to the fact that people are getting married later in life, and thus have less time to be married without children and get used to one another as a couple before the biological clock runs out?

So interesting that parents spend more time with their children today than fifty years ago, in spite of the higher rates of working mothers so lamented by conservatives! If only those conservatives that want all women to stay home would pay attention to the facts.

What all this comes down to, and Stephanie acknowledged this briefly in her piece, is that our society needs to be more supportive of family leave for men and for women.

Marriage is a MAN-made institution, created to preserve male property "rights," and produce heirs, as well as preserving male parental "rights" over the offspring. This ancient patriarchy-based "cottage industry" way of producing and raising the next generation has now been under attack for some time now, and is starting wither and fray. Time may be overdue to replace it with more quality-consistent industrial methods, as prophesied by Aldous Huxley in "Brave New World" back in the 1940's, where children are produced to various technical specification in accordance to society's needs. We now have the technical means of accomplishing this, and it is time for the "family system" to go the way of the spinning wheel and the horse and buggy. Marriage is obsolete. Time to get on with something new.

My husband and I were got married and had our first baby within two years of having met. It was a very stressful time, I think, because we did not have a significant amount of time to have been"tested" together as a couple or team before having a baby. The first year was brutal and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. But we decided to move forward and had our second and even though life is still stressful and there are certainly times that we don't do our best, we are better parents together as a team now that we've had more time and we share a commitment to doing the best we can for our kids. Granted, we need to do better about having time with each other. Sometimes I fear what will happen when we have an empty nest....will we know what to when it's just us?

I would say having a baby EXACERBATED all the problems we had that were either above or below the surface. (I got pregnant 3 months after marriage, had two children, and divorced after 4 years only. We got a big F in Married With Children.)

It magnified the problems that already existed in the marriage. Raising a child was a continuation of the power struggle.

Interesting topic. My wife and I have (I think) a very good relationship, however we are both ambivalent about having children- we seesaw between 'yes, lets do it,' and 'do we really want to? can we afford to? should we bring a kid into a very uncertain world?'