wnyc.org / 93.9fm / am 820

In my research on parental alienation is has become clear that both mothers and fathers can be victims and both can be perpetrators and that children of both genders are affected. I think the important question is not which gender is doing worse but what can be done to stop parental alienation, regardless of who is doing it. In all cases the children suffer.

Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.d.
Author, Beyond the high road: Resopnding to 17 parental alienation strategies without compromising your morals or harming your child.
www.amyjlbaker.com

I have had the opposite experience to the man who claimed the Family Court system is biased in favor of the mother. I am a mother who lost custody of her child for no reason other than my ex-husband brainwashed my daughter to believe she didn't want to live with me anymore. As she had just turned 14, that means the court really took "her wish" seriously. What's more, he had been violent during the marriage and I have a stack of police reports to that effect. The Court's argument is that a 14 year old knows what is in her best interest. so, a child was taken out of a good, loving home and put into the home of an abuser. Maybe the courts had been more favorable to women for so long that now, every once in a while, someone like me is going to be sacrificed so that the courts don't get accused of being anti-male. My experience with my (female) CAR and with custody lawyers has been, to copy from another e-mailer, Kafkaesque. Something has to be done because I don't see justice being served.

The judges are paid off and no one has the guts to say it.

Why shouldn't fathers pay child support? That is too low a percentage. A man can make the baby, step up to the plate and be a man and take care of it.

I want to add to my previous comment, I think that one solution for both sides of the problem (overburdened courts and revictimization of victims of domestic violence) could be a fast track for Domestic Violence issues especially when there are children involved. It is harrowing the toll that these protracted court battles take on Women who have finally gotten violent men out of thier homes and are trying to create a safe secure environment for thier children, when they are faced with financial distress because thier ex-es refuse to pay what the court has ordered - and I am talking about men who CAN afford to pay this support, they are more willing to pay for expensive lawyers than to support thier families. They are more invested in exerting control and continuing to cause suffering than acting to benefit thier children.
Beware of Father's Rights Advocates, they should be barred from any case that deals with Domestic Violence. Just imagine what it would do to a child who has been a witness or recipient of abuse in the so-called "sanctity" of his home, whose abuser is finally removed, and then that child has to be with that abuser again by order of the court!

Last note.

We fathers who have not been treated fairly by the court system do NOT support abusive fathers. We know and ackknowledge that in the lazy and arrogant legal system, many mothers are also mistreated.

We want intelligent, sympathetic, and commonsense justice for ALL parties in these cases, and especially for the benefit for the children.

But having said that, knowing an individual woman or two who has had a bad experience does not prove that women are faring as badly as men typically do. That's simply way off the the truth. In custody cases in NY, women overwhelmingly get custody. What is sad is when either parent uses his or her position (as the custodial parent) to punish the other parent. In effect, it uses the children as the club to bludgeon the other.

As to the finances, child support is VERY expensive. For 2 kids, it is 25% of GROSS income, which means the payer pays taxes on the money, whereas the receiver does not. Hence, it adds up to to 40-50% of take-home pay. And it does not include "extras", which the court mandates, and the non-custodial parent loses control over. Lost your job? Too bad, you still have to pay for expensive extra-curricular activities. No cutting back as an intact family might do.

Etc, etc.

Look, the ENTIRE area needs to be reformed from top to bottom, for the benefit of children and for the health of our society.

I wonder if judges know how much other professions make, like social workers, who make 40-50K, which are barely livable wages in NYC?

I am involved with a group that helps victims of domestic violence and I hear time after time how domestic abusers use the courts to appeal and reappeal decisions. They usually have the financial means to do this while thier ex- spouses are struggling to get by; supporting somehow the children, (one friend is now facing forclosure and her ex prefers to sit in jail for non complance rather than pay).
Men are using Father's Rights Advocates and gaining ground with this even when they have been proven to have molested thier children. The fact that they , and usually not thier wives, have the money, gives them a vast advantage.
There has to be a way for women to be protected from being victimized again through the courts. Judges must be educated about the vindictiveness and need to "win" and still control that many abusive men enact to the detriment of the families who finally got them out of thier homes

If men do worse, why was my friend, the mother had the kids taken away from her and the husband alienated the children and now they have nothing to do with her! She's not the only one.

There is a ring of people bribing judges in Queens to give the fathers custody of the kids and no one is investigating it, they are looking the other way.

My goodness... Judge Kaye thinks that men and women are on an equal playing field in family court???

It astonishs me that she could say that. No matter what numbers you look at, men do worse in family court than women.

It's sad that she won't acknowledge it.

The same thing(legislature mandating the expansion of programs without the commensurate expansion of resources) has happened at the federal level. At the Social Security Administration, I have coined it "Beyond Our Mission". For example Social Security is involved in garnishment for child support, prisoner provisions, warrants for fugitive felons, verifying immigration status, foreign country claim filing, paying attorney fees, means testing Medicare premiums, establishing subsidy for Part D). All legislatures are filled with good intentions, but no one wants to expand the actual pool of government workers to effectuate the policies and laws that they pass. The end result is that government becomes less effective, trust in government erodes and support of the initial government program is undermined.

Justice Kaye's comment about a level playing field when it comes to custody is sheer naivete and fantasy.

The abuses are so widespread it is Kafkaesque. Surely she must know fathers who have gone through this, or when she is socializing, does she have a "no shop talk" policy?

I have met so many fathers in like situations as I am in, and also many women who KNOW men in our situation (and who are very sympathetic.)

Jocko
sorry you were failed

I represent a mother in a child abuse case in Manhattan Family Court. We are in the beginning of the fact finding hearing - the phase of the case where the court determines what happened. The court docket in the child neglect and abuse part is so overcrowded that the fact finding hearing was adjourned for 3 months between court dates. That is an extraordinarily long adjournment. It makes it very hard for the judge and the lawyers to remember the testimony and it deprives the parties, and the children, of a prompt resolution of this very important proceeding.

What will be done to strengthen penalties for those who file false claims of abuse? This often happens in custody situations, when orders of protection are imposed protection in a "guilty until proven innocent" approach, the result of which is to keep fathers from seeing children, thus mounting an advantage to the mother over time.

(The rationale for this is always to keep the status quo -- keep the child with the parent they are with, "in the best interests of the child.")

This situation is ripe for abuse and the system has no incentive to investigate to get to the truth and correct these injustices. In these cases, the true victims are the children (and the fathers.)

I believe that unmarried couples -- including same-sex couples -- living together have had access to the family courts for some time. Judge Kaye seemed to imply otherwise. Please clarify this.

This is great that this is finally being done but for some of this comes about 15 years too late. Justice Kaye, listen to the children when they tell their therapist or social worker about being abused at home. Many children's cries like mine did fall on deaf ears and we left as broken vessels to deal with it as adults.

Please take domestic violence seriously, the children and help them.