Dave
Action Figure Noah told them their sins were an abomination, foretold unto the other toys that The Great Flood would come -- but did they listen? Ever since little Aiden had graduated to video games and girls, and his smarter sister Sarah shifted to books and boys, their toys had been banished to a large, Rubbermaid container for basement purgatory. It wasn't long before they devolved into debauchery, became increasingly bacchanalian. Sealed into such a tight space, I suppose the Barbies hooking up with GI Joes was inevitable, but who could've predicted My Little Ponies bedding Transformers, tiny Lego men writhing around with huge stuffed bears, plastic guns penetrating Easy Bake Ovens, and so many other unmentionable carnal convulsions, until all was whipped into an unholy Doll-On-Soldier-On-Animal-On-Robot-On-Weapon-On-Cooking-Implement-On-Humanoid-On-Monster-On-Lions-And-Tigers-And-Bears-Oh-My Sex Fest (the lions and tigers were, much to Noah's disgust, from his own ark starter set). ### When the container was transported to the shed fifteen years later and the lid jostled loose, things were in such a depraved state that Noah was left calling his warnings with hoarse voice from a tiny make-shift cage in the corner. All were laughing at him, even as they spread throughout the shed into friendly little fiefdoms of fornication. But Noah knew he would have the last laugh. For here in the shed were all the materials and tools needed to make the Great Ark that the Lord had prescribed so long ago. Not the fake cardboard ark that came with his packaging, but a real Ark made with balsa wood and oak and screws and wood glue and saw -- the means to the detailed plans that Jehovah had implanted in his plastic brain, back in the early days of basement. He'd just finished the much-derided construction, five years later, when came the Great Flood (or as it was known to Aiden and Sarah's parents, That One Kind Of Bad Storm That Flooded The Shed And Ruined Some Of Our Storage That One Time). ### Action Figure Noah mounted his mighty vessel, finally triumphant, never guessing that he himself was the punchline to the cosmic joke: The Great Art, constructed exactly to specifications, did not float. "Ha! Don't you wish you'd at least had a good time?!" gurgled the drowning, debauched toys. "No! At least I was true to my Lord!" Noah yelled back. "Okay, well, He did predict the flood, we'll give you that," replied the toys, "but the plans he gave you were faulty! Which means either He doesn't know what He's doing... or He's just plain mean!" And to that, Action Figure Noah had no reply, as they all washed out into the spill below the back garden, to be buried deep beneath the mud, to slowly decompose over hundreds of years. ### Noah's Faulty Ark, however, remained in the shed. It was later auctioned off, still silently asking the question, "Was Noah's god incompetent, insane, or just plain masochistic?" Slight wear and tear on the joints.
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