Peter

Critics rave, "Wooden Thing is a must-buy if you are a collector of such things," and, "Since the penny's included, it's really only ninety-nine cents, plus shipping."

###Barbara Blauborg of Billings, Montana gushes, "I used to have a lump, but when I bought Wooden Thing, the lump disappeared, and I didn't have to go to the doctor! Do you any see evidence that Wooden Thing DIDN'T save my life?"

###E.B. Moom of Springfield, Alaska, natters, "I have a sandalwood statue of Jesus and Hanuman shaking hands, and I have Wooden Thing. Those are the two things I have."

###Time is running out. A fungal blight that infects wood with large black blisters has escaped the laboratories of Pine And Cedar, LLC, and is running rampant. It took down our popsicle sticks, it took down our nightstands, and it even took down our logs, which didn't even get half a chance. Now almost all of our wood has got black blisters all over it and we're here pulling our hairs out of their sockets because we don't have much left to sell for crying out loud.

###Which is to say, if you purchase Wooden Thing in the next five minutes, we'll also include a nickel, in addition to the free penny.

###"Now that's six cents I've saved so far!" cheers L.F. Entmann of Ohio, Wyoming.

###Tired of wooden things without any moving parts? P&C LLC-brand Wooden Thing comes with free object on a screw which can be turned around to YOUR choice of up to 285 different degrees!

###The complimentary screws are made of a magnificent blend of our finest iron and carbon, an alloy better known as "ibon."

###Call now and we'll throw in Wooden Thing's Yellow Stand, which if turned upside-down could be used as a wonderful yellow cup, perfect for barbeques, Christmas, lying around the house, or sharing with a friend.

###So call now for Christ's sake. For ninety-four cents, plus shipping, you could have Wooden Thing in the palm of your clutches as we speak.

###This message was bought AND paid for by Pine and Cedar LLC, a division of Pinophyta Quadricorp, a Cohen and Cohn Company.