Opinion: What if All the Candidates Were Toys?
Thursday, March 22, 2012 - 04:52 PM
Time was the GOP primary reminded us of a three-ring circus with a surfeit of clowns. Now, after a spectacular own-goal by senior Romney campaign aide Eric Fehrnstrom, it’s looking more like Toy Story 4.
In a Wednesday morning interview on CNN anchor Soledad O’Brien’s “Starting Point,” Fehrnstrom responded to a question by contributor John Fugelsang about whether Romney had tacked too far to the right with what he thought was a witty remark: “You hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch – you can kind of shake it up and start all over again."
Um wait, if you’re Mitt Romney, fresh off your first unqualified primary victory, that’s not what you want your communications director communicating. Not when your rivals are already accusing you of having more positions than the Kama Sutra. It isn’t quite as bad as if Fehrnstrom had said something like “We’ll tie that issue to the roof of our car when we come to it,” but still – very bad!
On the other hand, Fehrnstrom’s gaffe did lead us to muse about what the rest of the presidential field would look like as playthings. Here’s where we ended up:
A HARD RUBBER BALL. It’s hard to imagine Joyless Rick as a source of amusement (except, of course, the kind that comes at his expense). But if we had to imagine him as a toy, we’d think of him as this: An indestructible Kong ball, made of super-dense solid rubber. As long as you understand that it’s meant for dogs to chew on and leave it safely on the floor, everything’s fine. But start playing with it, and one thing’s for sure: Someone’s going to get hurt. We know this from experience! Our little sister still hasn’t forgiven us. Come on, sis, it’s been 35 years!
OPERATION. When we think of Newt Gingrich, we immediately imagine Milton Bradley’s classic game of medical malpractice. For one thing, “Cavity Sam,” the game’s hapless victim/patient, is a dead ringer for Newton in his youth – and hey, whenever he feels violated, his nose flashes red and he blares out a reflexive screech…just like his real-life counterpart! Also, like the former Speaker, the game is not nearly as fun, smart or interesting as you thought it was when first you took it out of the box. Worse yet? It quickly becomes apparent that no matter how many vital organs you remove from its bloated sack of a body, the horrible thing simply…refuses…to die.
BARREL ‘O’ MONKEYS. Because he’s also small, simple and super-cheap – and because it’s somewhat entertaining to see a fragile, desperate chain of monkeys stretch on and on, until the laws of physics inevitably cause them to come crashing back to earth. Like Ron Paul’s multiple presidential campaigns, Barrel ‘O’ Monkeys is a game that never ends well. However, compared to Paul, a barrel of red plastic monkeys might have a slight edge in electability.
Wait, What About the President?
This one’s simple.