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MoreThousands of same-sex couples in New York State will be diving into wedding preparations in the months to come, but amid the historic celebrations there will also be another group: same-sex couples who are choosing not to get married. For them, there are plenty of good reasons – legal, financial and personal – they won't ever say "I do."
Many same-sex couples say they want to get married but can't because it could mean losing the person they love since New York's new same-sex marriage law does nothing to change federal law.
Under the Defense of Marriage Act, the federal government does not recognize same-sex marriages, and legal experts say that creates a huge disparity in the immigration system.
"It is very unfair that for a different-sex couple, getting married can be the ticket to making sure that they can remain together here in this country. But for a same-sex couple, it can be the instrument of their separation," said Susan Sommer, senior counsel at Lambda Legal, a gay rights organization.
The Risk of an Immigration Penalty
Chris, who asked that his last name not be used, said his boyfriend from Spain — whom he calls "Milan" for the purposes of this article — has been staying in the U.S. on temporary visas, and immigration lawyers have advised the couple that getting married could endanger his eligibility for future visas because it suggests Milan intends to stay here permanently.
"That can jeopardize our situation completely," Chris said. "It may end our relationship, which I don't even want to think about it."
Chris, who was born in Poland and is a U.S. citizen, said he and Milan have been "playing games" with the Department of Homeland Security for seven years. Milan cannot get a green card so in order to see each other, he has applied for tourists visas, which gives the couple three months at a time in the U.S.
Milan even enrolled in school – plunking down $20,000 for tuition – just to get a student visa, which bought him two years that are on the brink of running out.
Chris said watching the news coverage of the legalization of gay marriage in New York has been bittersweet.
"I'm quite jealous. I'm quite jealous, and the truth is, I shouldn't be jealous," he said.
Other Legal Penalties of Gay Marriages
Many same-sex couples have contacted gay rights organization Lambda Legal to ask if getting married is a smart idea — and Sommer, senior counsel there, said it may not be the best choice for everyone.
Marriage could bungle attempts by a gay individual to adopt, Sommer said. Adoption agencies in countries such as Guatemala and China and states such as Virginia have denied adoptions to gay couples.
"It can be, ironically, easier for a single woman, say, to adopt a child in some jurisdictions than for two married, committed women to do so jointly," Sommer said.
Other same-sex couples may choose not to get married because of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which has been repealed by Congress but not fully phased out. A marriage announcement in the paper or even wedding photos on Facebook could still theoretically lead to discharge from the military.
The federal tax system discriminates against gay couples too. They cannot file joint tax returns. Additionally, any health coverage one same-sex spouse receives from the other spouse's employer counts as taxable income in the eyes of the federal government, which could mean thousands of dollars of tax payments. Heterosexual married couples do not have to designate those health benefits as income.
Disagreeing With the Institution of Marriage
Aside from the legal complications of same-sex marriage, some couples say personal reasons have kept them from racing to the altar.
"My partner and I have never considered getting married," said Katherine Franke, a professor of gender law at Columbia Law School. "We don't need the state in our relationship. We're committed to one another without having to get a license – I do have a fishing license by the way."
Franke said she's thrilled for those same-sex couples clamoring to get married in New York, but isn't among the group eager to celebrate the institution of marriage.
"I grew up as an adult in the '70s, when we were very critical of the institution of marriage. We saw it as a patriarchal, sexist institution," Franke said. "We were worried about our heterosexual friends in marriages who found divorce to be a legal process that impoverished women."
What's curious now, Franke said, is how this new civil right is putting pressure on gay individuals to jump at the chance to get married.
"You didn't see people in the African-American community riding the bus and praising buses over other means of transportation, or loving lunch counters and praising lunch counters over other places you might eat once segregation became illegal quite in the numbers that you’re seeing people in the gay community feeling that they should marry to be sort of good gay citizens," Franke said.
When asked if her 18-year-old daughter wants to see her parents finally get married, Franke smiled said her daughter is "even more progressive" than she is and would never ask her two moms to walk down the aisle together.
Ailsa Chang is an award-winning journalist who covers criminal justice, terrorism and the courts for WNYC. She found her way into public radio after practicing law for five years, and can definitely say that walking the streets of New York City with a microphone is a lot more fun than being holed up in the office writing letters to opposing counsel.
Comments [15]
As a christian I am opposed to gay marriage but before anyone flips out allow me to explain my point of view. I am not bashing anyone. Homosexuality is a sin per the bible but so is consumating a relationship before marriage. Almost all of us nowadays commit one of these 2 sins so no one is better and no one is worse. My problem is passing a law that allows homosexual marriage is passing a law that encourages sinful behavior. You don't have to agree with me and I am always open to rational debate. Everyone is entitled to their own views. The problem is when I express mine I am labeled as a homophobe or hater which I am not.
Hi My name is "Larry" just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage... I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with
me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to
live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child...
I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email me on larryjms49 at gmail dot com to get the spell caster's contact... Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.
Hi My name is "Larry" just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage... I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with
me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to
live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child...
I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email me on larryjms49 at gmail dot com to get the spell caster's contact... Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.
From a Christian POV: G_d gave us these bodies, with which to experience the world: if all parts of G_d's created world are perfect, then all manifestations of goodness within it are also perfect. The 'evil' unleashed by the "fruit of the tree of knowledge" is not simply 'pain and suffering' but misunderstanding, fear of the unknown, and heartache / lack of love. Jesus made no mention of sexual practice in his preachings? Why do we seek to add them? "fear of the unknown" ... at the root of all prejudice. Every bit of caring we provide to one another (or fail to provide) reflects both our own personal attractions and our willingness to go past what we already know. Our bodies are partly meant for work - to be able to feed ourselves and our children - AND our neighbors. Our bodies are partly meant for pleasure - or we would not have evolved that way, in G_d's great plan for the world and the universe. Some of the pleasure is procreative, and some is practical, and some simply adds to the goodness that _can_ be in the world ... and that is irrespective of who provides it to whom.
As for marriage ... as Jesus said, it is irrelevant in heaven ... it is a human institution to keep track of humans and to ensure for child welfare. Historically, this has been defined as between a male and female of consenting age. Historically, it has been used (and still is used thus - read HALF THE SKY) to subjugate a lot of people, in particular women. In biblical times, slavery had nothing to do with the color of one's skin. As a practical thing, useful for the welfare of a society, marriage can be defined however humans feel it would be useful. And it is _not_ a step toward "Sodom and Gomorrah" (cities of dominance and subjugation, for far more reasons than "sex") ... but rather, a step "back to the garden" ... back to where we can see each other with new eyes and a new heart.
To Edward from NYC: You say you are "well educated," yet your comment is filled with basic grammar and spelling errors. As for your logic, I saw several appeals to emotion in your words, but few rational arguments for your position. I also do not agree that only "a few" people are affected by this news story. I was educated to understand that the expansion of liberty and civil rights affects all our citizens.
To RXN from Queens: I think you're confusing love and sex. Gay people are asking for the right to love whom they choose. Marriage equality and sodomy laws (which is what I think you're talking about) are two separate issues. It's fine if you're for prosecuting people based on the type of sex they have or how "productive" it is, but that's a separate argument.
Re: Professor Franke's argument, I agree that each couple should be free to enter into any arrangement they wish, traditional marriage or no. However, the analogy to the African-American civil rights movement seems flawed. Can't we argue our positions based on their own merits, without relating to them to historical scenarios that have a host of unique characteristics that make comparisons inherently problematic?
I have also been very critical of the institution of marriage, and now am wondering - if two gay people are married, where's the sexism and patriarchy (besides historical)? Did we get rid of it, improve the institution from the inside?
Ed,
You are, indeed, rational. A rational person can see that, biologically speaking, sex has a purpose - procreation, and homosexual sex can never achieve this purpose. It's contrary to the Natural Law, and orthodox Judaism, Islam, and Christianity condemn such actions.
The media cater to the their clientele, so the gay agenda provides "red meat" to their constituents. For instance, you'll never hear of the studies by Stanley Kurtz where he predicted that more children would be born out of wedlock once gay marriage was approved. This happened in Scandanavia, and it happened here in the US. More children born out of wedlock means that the parents can more easily leave the "union," and there are more single parent families, which is bad for children.
You won't read about his studies in the New York Times, though, where the Truth is irrelevant to the liberal agenda de jour.
WNYC's reporting regarding same-sex marriage in New York has been incredibly well-written and has finally been addressing issues queer circles have been heavily discussing for years. Let's be real Edward and Tabitha, the Media (yes, that upper-case "m" was intentional) is already biased to reflect the general population's acceptance of hetero-normative culture. All this article is doing is addressing the concerns of an othered population that has just reached a stepping stone that comes with certain interesting consequences.
I found this article to be very interesting and for some reason, biased. I don't see any opposing statistics or any numbers that put these opinions into a more realistic term. I don't see any numbers comparing these reasons to that of members who are in more traditional (whatever that means) relationships. These viewpoints and opinions presented are present in straight or gay relationships so I'm not sure what the point of producing these opinions here without giving a solid foundation or justification via evidential facts (such as ratios of these opinions vs the pro-marriage opinions, vs the traditional marriage statistics.
So, I'm not sure what the point is other than "Just like the straight folk, some gays are choosing not to marry." Which is "normal" and thus, I'm not sure why it's even being written about unless there's something about it that's not normal.
This is not a comment about the story itself, which is certainly great.
I just wanted to express the disappointment that I feel when I listen during Morning Edition a re-run of a story that was broadcast the day before during All Things Considered. I understand that stories are re-run often. But I think you should avoid re-running stories at times when a listener is likely to hear it again and with so little time between the two airings.
Thanks.
For 0.3% of the population in the US (that's 100,000 gay couples according to MSNBC today), we sure do a lot of fretting in the media.
The coverage is so out of proportion to reality. A few people are affected by this but somehow WNYC finds them, writes a story and now we're led to believe that this affects more people than it actually does. WNYC, et al, frames this discussion every day by not focusing on the success of gay marriage but on the failures of gay marriage.
Its never ending and WNYC would have us believe that legal recognition of gay marriage will shove us into equal moral recognition of gay marriage.
I'll get all of these angry, angry hateful replies saying I should because I'm hateful, I'm bigoted but I'm not. I'm rational, there's no hate toward anyone. People see hate in my words but there is no hate. People see hate or ignorance when there is none.
I am well educated man living in NYC who observes and thinks for himself which I cannot say the same for most WNYC listeners. I don't listen to Brian Lehrer anymore because I've grown up and out of that hyperbole and constant slant. I have checked WNYC's share of the market - it has shrunk as have contributions by approximately 1/3.
Regular listeners are part of an echo chamber that reinforce each other and practice intolerance. Many practice hate while saying that they abhor hate. Talk about schizophrenic behavior. Most must be confused by their own actions to fight what many call hate with hate of their own.
Great story. Thanks for pointing out this tremendous gap in the equality landscape. There are many who are thrilled at the prospect of finally being able to marry the loved one of their choice, but there are probably tens of thousands of same sex couples who are still denied basic human rights due to the senseless "Defense of Marriage Act". What a sham our democracy is when any individuals pursuit of happiness and equal treatment under the law is completely nullified by the codified bigotry that DOMA is.
More than 8 years with my love, yet he cannot become a citizen by marrying me. Meanwhile, right next door, hetero couples can meet, marry and grant citizenship within a few months. Any thinking person can see this is unconscionable in a society that claims equal treatment for all.
The government has no right to legislate who I chose to love. Yet we are still penalized and treated like second class citizens.
I will witness the marriage of two dear friends this Sunday with joy for them, but none of us are truly free until we all are. May NY's new law become a stepping stone on the pathway to DOMA's funeral.
Shame on Mr. Clinton for signing that piece of hateful legislation. May it's repeal come quickly so these celebrations need not be bittersweet.
Thanks again for your thoughtful coverage tonight. It brought tears of sadness and hope to my tired eyes.
Yes when will the day come when we can be truely equal and sponser our partners from overseas
Very sad and unfair. I hope DOMA is overturned.
It would be very nice to have the choice.
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